My wife works at an office and regularly leaves to have lunch with her co-workers at restaurants. One of them is a guy, who is also married, used to work under her and was recently promoted which she had a hand in. I know she talks to him a lot during the day via instant messaging and considers him a friend.

When I ask her details about her lunches in general like where she went or what she had, she gives me short answers and basically as little info as possible. I feel like what should be a simple conversation turns into me interrogating her. She tells me about taking the guy out to a hotel restaurant last week.

Yesterday I got an email from an anonymous source saying she and the guy were having long lunches together, one-on-one regularly and having "sexually inappropriate" conversations at work.

Up to this point I wasn't really suspicious but feel foolish if I don't confront her about it. I show her the email and she admits to having lunch dates with him alone multiple times a week. I ask to see her laptop so I can look at the email and IM conversations with the guy. She opens her laptop and immediately deletes all of them. I look for them and realize what she's done. I ask her where they went and the plays dumb like she doesn't know what I'm talking about it. After more interrogating she finally admits to deleting them because she "didn't want them scrutinized because it's not fair to him"

As her husband I have standards for her behavior and I should have given her direction about how to behave in situations like she is faced with at work. That's certainly my failing for not being more clear with her.

I've not delt with the kind of thing in my marrage before and honestly didn't think I'd ever have to.

Have any of you had similar experiences and what is your take on the situation?

Thanks

WarmGray,

You need to go into 007 stealth mode now and monitor WWs communications with various spyware tools. For now you can pretend to let it pass, you don't want your WW to take the affair deeper underground.

At the very least this is an emotional affair, and very possibly a physical affair too.

I show her the email and she admits to having lunch dates with him alone multiple times a week.

Serious serious red flag here.

I ask to see her laptop so I can look at the email and IM conversations with the guy. She opens her laptop and immediately deletes all of them.

Huge red flag here.

If you read the threads here you will find so many stories almost exactly like yours that you will think the wayward spouses have a bible of adultery with it's own set of cheaters commandments.

God Bless
Gamma

Your wife is probably having an affair with this guy, but don't ask her any more questions about it. For now, play innocent and dumb, and snoop quietly. You need to get clear evidence that is undeniable. Don't let her know about this site or the snooping.

See if you can get a keylogger for her laptop/smart phone. Lots of people hire a PI, which can often be the quickest way to get what you need to expose the affair. Check out the Operation Investigate forum for help with snooping.

Have you read the thread at the top of this forum? Do you understand your plan of action?

For now, make sure you eliminate your love busters and be a great husband. Be calm and cool.

Actually, ALL married people ought to institute precautions to prevent affairs. Dr. Harley states that we are all wired to have an affair, and if we don't do something to prevent one, we'll probably have one.

Affairs usually start by being friends with someone of the opposite sex.

My take is that she is having an affair. The fact that she cares enough about him to delete messages so as to hide them from you to be fair to him is an admission of an emotional affair. The fact that an anonymous source exists is strong proof, too. Most probably, this is a full-blown physical affair.

As you have already been advised, collect the evidence you need to prove the affair. I would look into this hotel you already know about. You may well find that the restaurant is not the only service she is using there.

She is clearly having at least an EA. People who hide stuff do so because they have something to hide. If she was hiding nothing then she would not have done what she did.

Also, what is she afraid of you judging? If inappropirate is going on then it shouldn't and the actions speak for themselves no judgement is necessary.

Follow the advice given, get clear evidence and once you've confirmed an A then you can come back for further direction.

I know its hard to fathom an A is going on but the red flags are pretty clear.

Welcome to MB.

Please read this.
Surviving an Affair-Start Here First

Getting up to speed. A bit overwhelmed at this point.

Thanks guys

It IS overwhelming and a horrible time for the betrayed spouse to deal with.

Mainly, stay calm, don't ask her any more questions, and figure out how you can get evidence.

I don't think you have to tell an adult woman that she should not flirt and have an affairs. We already know this.

The others are right. you have blown your cover and just warned her so she can go further underground. It is pretty obvious she is having an affair. I would quietly slip a keylogger on her computer [eblaster at spectorsoft] and spyware on her cell phone [flexispy or eblaster]. Be like James Bond and quietly get the evidence.

Once you get the evidence DON'T CONFRONT HER, BUT COME HERE AND WE WILL HELP YOU WITH STEPS TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE.

You are in the right place, friend! We can help you turn this around.

Most cell phone spyware has a built in GPS and that is what you need. Mke sure you get one that has this.

WarmGray,

You also need to recognize that your WWs relationship with this OM is an addiction every bit as real as alcoholism or drug use. Like a drug addict your WW will lie about everything to keep getting her fix.

God Bless
Gamma

Update: I was able to get a partial list of their work IM conversations from the past six months. It's a lot. They talk almost constantly while at work. Going to take a few days go to through.

Check her DELETED on BIN folder in her email.
Check her phone bills to see if they are texting/calling each other as well.
Does she lock her phone? Polish the screen if you can last thing at night. Look at it the next morning and the fingerprints will tell you the code.
Definitely put a voice-activated recorder in her car.
Keylogger.
Any idea who sent you the email?
If you can afford a PI, get him/her to follow her at lunchtime, or a friend you have who she doesn't know.
Does she work late or travel away from home with work?

This is an affair.

You have the chat conversations, the testimony from your wayward wife's coworker. Now you have transcripts of the chat.

Next step: require your wife to take a lie detector test.

Do that right away. If she has nothing to hide, she will do it. If she is hiding something she will try and manipulate you and stall you.

I have access to her phone, email, work and gmail. She will be going on a business trip soon and was planning to meet with a different male colleague/friend for dinner. I told her to cancel it.

No idea who sent the email. She seems to have some idea of who it might be in her office though.

Got caught up on the articles here. Lots of enlightening info. Appreciate it being so organized.

Just finished going through all the instant messages between my wife and the male coworker.

There is nothing here that would lead me to believe there is anything physical going on. They just go on and on all day long messaging each other over mostly non-work things, like they are seeking an outlet to avoid work. They often talk about how much they dislike everybody else in their office sans one other female coworker.

Ocassionally there is sexual innuendo between them, I'll post those bits here. About as often, there is bad-mouthing of me, with him offering his point of view or relating similar situations with his wife. She clearly wears the pants in his marriage.

The shear volume of dialogue is as concerning as any of the content and seems to speak to addictive/escapist behavior.

How often does she go on these trips?

It sounds like your wife has extremely poor boundaries around men and all the conditions exist here that will lead to an affair. She a) travels on business trips, b) has male friends at work and c) goes out to lunch/dinner with men. That is how work affairs begin and it is also extremely unprofessional behavior from a female. I am certain she is being talked about at work, which is why you got that email.

So if she hasn't had an affair YET, she will SOON. I would be having a serious discussion with her about her poor boundaries, and I would plan to go with her on the business trip if you can. OR see if she can get out of it. Your marriage is headed for a very bad place if she doesn't make some radical changes.

The Risk of Opposite-sex Friendships in Marriage

Thread about business travel

Dr. Harley writes about how affairs frequently start when people in opposite sex friendships commiserate about their unhappy marriages. Your wife's friendship at work is textbook.

She is on the fast track to an affair. You are sort of in no mans land here as far as developing a strategy. Since it appears that she is not yet having an affair yet, I would introduce her to Dr. Harley's books: Love Busters and His Needs/Her Needs. Read them together. Complete the questionnaires together and get to the business of ending love busters and making love bank deposits.

But you have to continue snooping. Be very vigilant. If you discover she is having an affair then read Surviving an Affair instead and get yourself immediately into Plan A, which is outlined in the book.

The very best thing you could do is get her to do counseling together with the Harleys. They are very persuasive and influential, and they will not focus on your problems, but on the solutions that will lead to a very happy marriage. Don't demand counseling with the Harley's, but promise your wife that if she does go, you both find a happiness in your marriage that you've never experienced. It works! If she says no, then schedule a counseling session for just you. She may come on board later.

If she is in withdrawal from you, she may not be interested and she won't want to be educated. If that is the case you will have to do all the heavy lifting yourself. You will need to find out what her needs are and meet them. Watch the movie "Fireproof" for more ideas.

Ultimately, your wife is going to have to get a new job and end the practice of opposite sex friendships.