Do you have some type of evidence you can send him? It wouldn't surprise me if she spun the story to him and denied the affair.

No. I read about 2 days worth of my H's texts before he came back and caught me with his phone. He erased all of the texts, saying that he wanted me to discuss it with him directly. I knew that was crap at the time. He admitted that he and the OW made out many times and that he would sneak off to meet her, telling me that he had to go into work. He still maintains that he did not have sex with her, but I assume that he did. I'm sure that the OW told her husband that I just misunderstood the texts that I read. As soon as the OW's H answered the phone and I identified myself, he said "we do not need to go down this road...I've already talked to my wife."

That indicates to me that she got to him FIRST and spun the story, demonizing you as the crazy wife. I would shoot him a PM on facebook and just tell him what your husband has told you thus far. He can confirm all this with your husband if he wants. [you can back your husband into a corner on this and make him call the OWH in front of you] But I suspect your H called him for the OW and validated the crazy wife story.

Well, apparently after my call to the OW's H, the OW stormed into my H's office and said that she would not be able to take care of her stuff at home if I kept calling and harassing her husband. So the OW's H called her and told her about my call. And that's fine. It's their marriage to ruin and/or fix.... But my H is starting to think that I'm a vindictive, crazy maniac. He said he understands why I did what I did yesterday, but that calling the OW's H today is insane and that I have got to leave them alone. I just keep repeating, over and over again, that I don't care about them....I care about us. I did this for us. Is it enough that my H is willing to switch jobs? He said he would. The OW is apparently trying to get a new job, as well. I think if I keep pushing the issue of making sure the OW's H absolutely believes that this happened, my H is going to lose it and try to have me committed.

I guess I was RIGHT that the OW and your H have spun the story to her husband and he does not know the truth. The cheaters are in DAMAGE CONTROL!! Otherwise, why would they be having a full boat MELTDOWN and trying to make you out to be CRAZY?? WHY WOULD THEY CARE?

I will tell you why: they are hiding the affair! They have unified and have lied to him about it.

Call your husband back and let him know that you intend on staying in touch with the OWH to ensure that he is fully apprised of the situation. Until all contact ends, he needs to be your ALLY.

You and the OWH need to stay in touch so you can compare notes and help each other kill the affair.

Did you send him the PM I suggested with your evidence of the affair?

The cheaters are in DAMAGE CONTROL MODE. That should tell you everything you need to know about his sincerity.

Send him a text and a PM telling him something like this [send this several ways so the OW does not intercept it ]:

Dear Joe, the hysteria coming from your wife and my husband about contacting you makes me very suspicious that you have been fed a line of bull about their affair.

I wonder if you are fully aware of their affair. My husband has admitted to having an affair with your wife for _____ months. I found their text messages on 3-20-14, which were very romantic and indicated they are having an affair. My husband does not deny this and is going to quit his job. According to him, your wife is quitting too. If you have been told a story different from this, I would appreciate it if you would call me at 200-800-2000 so we can compare notes. Their irrational reaction to my contacting you makes me think you have been told something else. I suggest that we align forces to keep them apart until they have left this job.

Thanks, brokennjc

I absolutely, positively get why this is a good idea. Last night, my H told me that he was not going to speak to her about anything having to do with anything outside of work. He said that he went into work, neither of them spoke, he stayed in his office with his door closed. He said that once I called the OW's H, and the OW went charging into his office, then they had to speak, which created the very situation I was trying to avoid. When my husband called me and was telling me that I "have to stop," I felt that I had already done everything that there was to do with the OW's H so I told my H that I would have no further contact with them (while at the same time maintaining that my H needs to care more about me making myself comfortable that this is ending and less about disrupting their lives). I have been with you all up until this point, but I think if I keep pushing this, it will be a giant disaster. For one thing, I will have lied to my H....saying I would not contact them again and then going back on it. For another..... he is not fighting the job change, the transparency or anything else....quite the contrary. As mad as he is at me for exposing, he also seems happy that I am fighting for this marriage, which is something that I have not done in a long, long time. I was the one that wanted a separation....I was the one that has kept my distance. Even as mad as my H was with me last night (and he was) we were affectionate with each other.... Again, something we haven't done in a long, long time. It feels like I shouldn't care what the OW's H does with this information. Like if he is refusing to believe it, then there is nothing I can do.

ok, you are not being rational and are allowing yourself to be gaslighed. Acting like YOU are the cause of their contact is lunacy. They work together, for God's sake. It is ridiculous to assume they are not speaking to each other at work. That is just silly. If they had committed to not speak to each other, they would do that. But they are not going to do that.

THEY ONLY WANT YOU TO STOP CONTACTING THE OWH SO HE DOENS'T FIND OUT THE AFFAIR IS TRUE!!

Calling their communications "business contact" is ludicrous insanity because any contact at all is a resumption of the affair no matter how much lipstick you put on that pig.

The only reason your husband and his girlfriend would demand you don't contact her husband is if they are HIDING SOMETHING. Cheaters who are sincere would not CARE if you spoke to the other betrayed spouse..........UNLESS THEY WERE HIDING SOMETHING.


The only thing worse than a DUMB promise is keeping a dumb promise. You have absolutely NO REASON to "promise" such a thing. If the cheaters can be in contact every day, for what fathomable reason should you not be in touch with the other betrayed spouse?


For another.......this is all empty talk that means nothing. It is only designed to shut you up long enough to take the affair further underground. Talk is cheap.

You very much should CARE that he believes there is an affair so he can be your ally in killing this affair. Your H and his honey do not want him to know because they want to CONTINUE THEIR AFFAIR IN PEACE while they take their sweet time "looking for jobs" for the next 5 years.

YOU ARE BEING PLAYED!!

Let me put this another way. You already KNEW they were in contact at work so this is not a surprise. You know and have accepted that he can't leave that job for 29 more days. It doesn't make sense to be upset that they are in contact at work when you already knew they were in contact.

Her coming into his office makes no earthly difference.

Broken;
Melody is absolutely correct.

I bought my formerly WH's line that he and the OW would have business-only contact as necessary until he could get a transfer. He promised to report to me all and any contact they had, which was going to be "business-only"... And he did give me daily reports. Here's what happened:

The A was "off" for exactly one day. Within the HOUR that my (formerly) WH returned to the work environment, the A was back on, in full underground mode. Then, My (formerly) WH continued to give me daily reports as to the (business-only) meetings they had, sent me copies of all (business-only) correspondence, etc. What he was doing was lying to me all the time. And he kept telling me he hoped my trust in him was being restored...

And, surprise surprise, his transfer kept getting delayed, taking 5 months. Even after my (formerly) WH and I moved to another country for his new position, he and the OW continued to be in contact (non-business only!!)

I cannot tell you how much more painful going through a False Recovery is. Do not set yourself up for one. Kill the A dead now.

So is your suggestion that he quits his job today? She reports to him. She has to talk to him about work. I thought that was the whole purpose of the 30 days....because most people can't just up and quit a job with a day's notice. Even if I make every effort under the sun to make sure that the OW's H knows about this and believes it, it doesn't change the situation with the jobs. I'm not trying to delude myself or argue with you... I'm just trying to weigh the risk of contacting the OW's H again. Because the repercussions are going to be horrendous.

There is no risk whatsoever in contacting the OWH. The *ONLY* risk is to the affair. The risk is if you DON'T contct him because the cheaters will be able to hide their affair. I didn't suggest you tell your H to quit his job today. I told you to contact the OWH, give him the full story and ask him to be your ally.


The ONLY repercussion will be to the AFFAIR. Don't delay. Send him that message!!

Send him this!!

Can I ask you...how did your WH characterize the relationship with his OW? Because I feel like I was more deeply entrenched in my A....it was with someone that I loved and currently love. And still I know that I am going to be able to have no further contact with him. I know that my H shouldn't trust me when I say that, but I feel that it is true. So I'm just wondering....If my WH was far less entrenched in his A and is committed to letting it go and we've done all of these other steps and are doing all of these other steps....is it necessary to keep poking at the OW's H with a stick? I wish I would have put all of those details about the affair in the original message to the OW's H, but I thought it was overwhelming and all I had were the texts that my H erased.

None of these details have any relevance. NONE. Please send the OWH the text I composed above. Don't allow the cheaters to manipulate and frighten you into silence.

You have no idea how "entrenched" your husband is because cheaters lie. He will tell you whatever he needs to tell you in order to shut you up. And it is working!!

Words mean nothing coming from a fogged out wayward. ACTIONS mean everything. And in your case, your H and his GF's actions say they are hiding an affair.

YOU are hanging on empty, worthless promises; I am going by actions.

Okay....this is my last question. The job transfer thing should be happening soon. Another agency has been trying to get the OW to go work there for a while. I knew this before I knew about the A. The OW has said that she has called the other agency to try and accept the position. Is there harm in waiting to see if it goes through (assuming it happens within 30 days) before sending that additional message to OW's H?

Yes, there is harm. And absolutely no fathomable good reason not to send that message to the OWH. If the OWH already "knows" about the affair, then she will have no objection.

And just think, if the OWH KNOWS about the affair he will be motivated to get his wife out of there ASAP.

As it is now, the cheaters have plenty of time to "look for jobs" and tell you they "are fixing to leave" and buy some more time. Even the dumbest wayward can drag things out for several months if not forever. He has 30 days to think of a new angle!