See what you think of these. These are my daily notes:


Wednesday, 6/4/2014

UA Time: 9:00 PM - 10 PM (1 Hours)

Notes:

While talking this evening, FC told me that our old neighbor called her on the phone to tell her about her daughter. These people used to live two doors down from us and FC had written a recommendation for the daughter a few years ago. The mom had been cleaning up her daughters stuff since she is moving out and getting married. While cleaning up, she found the recommendation FC had written along with FC�s cell phone number on it. So the mom called FC to tell her what was going on with her daughter now.

After FC telling me this story it was time for bed, and as we were going up, it just so happened that I got an email on my phone from FC�s email account that she had not sent. It looked to me like her account had been hacked, so I said something to her about it. FC said she was going to change the password and told me what she �thought she might change it to�.

I said "Maybe you should get rid of the account altogether and change it to something else." She responded, "Now you want me to change my email account?" in a tone that I knew she was not happy. I said "You never changed your email or your phone number."

I told her "The lady calling you today reminded me that those two avenues of communication were still open and it makes me nervous." FC did not respond to this so we went to sleep.

This morning, FC did not come down to get DS7 ready or make coffee like she normally does. She did wake DS7 and me up, but said that she did not sleep much last night so was going back to bed. I asked if DD3 had been up during the night, but that was not the case. I assume she was thinking about our conversation and is now upset.

I guess maybe I shouldn't have said anything so close to bedtime, but we were on the subject. Another thing that triggered me to say something was the tension that I felt when she said she told me what she "might change her password to." I can feel the tension of her not liking to have to tell me what her password is, so she kind of frames it in a non direct way. This causes me anxiety. This is also an issue that has been bothering me for a long time now and I haven't said anything because I fear FC's reaction. And it looks like I was right not to be comfortable.

Thursday, 6/5/2014

UA Time: 6 PM - 7:30 PM, 9 PM - 10 PM (2.5 Hours)

Notes:

We went for our run today. We had some pretty good conversation while running. At one point, FC mentioned she was up half the night because my Mom got up at 2AM and FC thought it was DD3. Then she couldn�t go back to sleep. I said �I figured it was because you were upset with me�. She said �Yea it was some of that too�.

After running, we went to eat and had some more conversation there. I can�t remember the topic but I remember it being pleasant. After we got home, I again put DD3 to bed and FC put DS7 to bed. DD3 screamed for mommy but this time fell asleep with me.

After putting the kids to bed, we watched some comedy TV and chatted. Finally, I asked her if she wanted to talk about �IT� and she said she didn�t understand why after all this time I was worried about it. Wasn�t having her passwords enough? I explained that I was nervous about someone contacting her more than her contacting someone else.

She said she would do it and did setup a new email account, but I can tell she is not happy about it and doesn�t really see the need for it. I wish I had brought all of this up long ago, but I didn�t. It seems like this little stuff keeps trickling out drop by drop and just prolonging the pain of it all, but I hate to ever say anything because it creates bad feelings every time.

Update for Friday morning 6/6 : FC sent me a text when I got to work saying:

FC: �You were right, F just replied to that virus email.�

FTF: �Can we please plug this hole in the fence so we can go on with our lives? It hurts me.�

FC: �I created a new account last night�

If you don�t know, F was FC�s affair buddy. F worked with FC at school and was having an affair with another teacher as well. It was her conversations with F that I found that lead to discovery of FC�s affair. F also helped FC to hide the affair, and was the one that FC set up a secret email account months later to keep in contact with. So F is definitely on the list of no contact people and today contact was broken!

This is a huge deal to me and really hurts. I don�t get the feeling that FC understands how serious this really is, at least to me. I can't text her back at this point because I would probably start a lecture on how upsetting this is and how I don't think she "gets it". But I know it's partly my fault for not insisting on the change earlier.

If nothing happens, you have to carefully keep bringing the problem up without commenting on why you think nothing's happening.

As for responsibility, trying to ascertain whose responsibility anything is a surefire way to take the conversation into disrespectful territory. If it's a problem today, bring it up today, without referring to who should have done what in the past.

You are right that it should've been done 2 years ago. The fact that it wasn't meant that the affair had to be brought up once again in the present. She will be tense and unhappy whenever that happens.

She did not see the problem the same way you did. Now that she sees that it IS a problem, she has taken steps to change things. This does not mean she doesn't take the problem seriously.

DJs are a very tricky lovebuster to beat and they tend to sneak up on you. One way it sneaks up on you is by focusing on blame. Is she to blame for this broken contact because she "didn't take it seriously" two days ago? Or are you to blame because you "didn't take it seriously" two years ago?

Don't focus on blame. You saw a problem two days ago. She didn't see it the same way. Now she does. It's been solved.

Yes, I see blame is the trap here. Thank you.

I am happy to have the problem resolved and I do understand her reaction now.

Now I feel bad about what I was thinking. I'll bet FC feels terrible.

Come home with flowers. Tell her you love her and are glad she is your wife. Give her a specific reason or two why.

Already plan on it.

Drop a D day dime on "F"'s BH.

Things did not go as planned. I did bring the flowers home. After the kids were in bed though, I asked if she wanted to talk about it. She is upset with me for having to change her email and is upset that I want her to change her phone number as well. She will do it, but feels like it is punishment. We got into a discussion that was not good. She does not think the contact today was a big deal. I'm not sure I can live with that.

I have no good way to contact this man. He has no social media other than a LinkedIn account, so I sent him a connect invite. If he connects with me I can send him a message. What do you think it should say? This all happened 3 years ago.

Shouldn't have. This is not something that needs to be discussed or debated. It will drain both your love banks. The email address and phone number are now changed. Leave it in the past and do not discuss it again.

But she is giving me the cold shoulder for it and basically saying "I'll do it but I'll love you less for it".

How am I supposed to recover with someone who thinks it wasn't as bad as I am making it out to be?

It is okay for her to have a different opinion.

Enemy of good conversation: dwelling on mistakes of the past or present.

Every reminder of the subject will be a love bank withdrawal, and this is probably why she is giving you the cold shoulder. Stop reminding her of it, don't try to talk to her about it or sync up your opinions on the subject. Extend another olive branch.

Or at least stop bringing it up so you can stop further damage.

If you want a divorce, a divorce is easy to obtain. If that is the case, instead of having a debate with her, go see a divorce attorney.

Don't try to straighten her out or get her to see this the way you think she should.

Seeing a divorce attorney and trying to straighten your wife out will both lead to the end of your marriage, but one is much less painful than the other.

On the other hand, if you want to keep your marriage, you need to stop debating with her. A complaint is always a love bank withdrawal - if she has acted on your complaint, don't make it worse by judging her feelings about it.

It feels extremely unfair when your wife is giving you the cold shoulder for something that essentially started with her disregarding an important Marriage Builders policy.

But if you want to stay married, there are no good options, here: make love bank deposits and avoid withdrawals is the only choice. Debating her will not bring her around to our beliefs. But, getting her across the romantic love threshold will probably change how she values you and your marriage.

The time to keep this subject on the front burner was before she acted on your complaint. Now your goal needs to be to minimize the love bank withdrawals that accompany the subject. You bring it up -> withdrawal in your account -> she gives you the cold shoulder -> withdrawal in her account. You have stepped into a negative feedback loop. She's not going to exit it. But you can.

These feelings that you are having, and the feelings your wife is having, are what happens when the affair is brought into the present.

It's not going to make her feel the same way it makes you feel. She has her own experiences and feelings. She wasn't the one betrayed. She doesn't have the same negative reactions to it that you do because of that.

I always give Markos the cold shoulder when he acts like I should feel differently than I do. I can tell you from experience that any mention of past mistakes also drives a huge gulf between us.

Stop talking about it. That's how you recover.

Excellent! It doesn't matter how she feels about it as long as she will do it and as long as you quit talking about it and get back to Marriage Building.

I can vouch for that!