No affair in the past to my knowledge, she hadbeen divorced for around 8 years when i met her. I do remember when we first started dating her exbf was calling her all the time, he even came over when I was there, he was trying to reason with her. she told me she was sorry and you know what I said to her, its ok, he is grieving the break up, I feel for him... This seem to continue for a bit and one day her computer was on and her phone bill was up, so I looked at it and there were alot of calls and text to this one number, so I checked her phone and it was a girl named Jen. Jen was a girl she worked with. I called the number and it was her exbf. I confronted her and she said she was trying to get her 2500.00 back that he owed her, and didn't want me to worry about it. I told her really there are alot of calls and text, now don't get me wrong we spent alot of time together so, not sure when or if anything was going on. I told her to get new number using my account and she did. That stopped.

OM are often quite abusive and controlling. It's not unknown for a WW to scream 'abuse' at her BH only to get later beaten up by the OM. One of the other benefits of exposure is it brings out the truth of his past, which will help your WW.





Yup wayward dad. Sounds like he had an affair that was unexposed and glossed over. He won't be much of a loss when he is excluded from your marriage in recovery.

So the naysayers are a neglectful adulterous father and a distant cousin.

Isn't it strange how the people most offended by exposure are the people who care least about the wayward?

Yet for some reason they don't want this exposure thingy catching on. Its not even really explained by the fact they got their own backside to cover.

It really is like being recruited for evil and pledging to help keep it alive for everyone.

If her father had an affair and his behaviour was normalised it can teach very damaging lessons about how to behave in marriage. This is why you need to explain clearly to your kids what is happening and why it is wrong.

So far no calls from the Wife. Now what?

1) Call OMXW - text her to call you and dont let up till it's done.
2) Call anyone who needs more evidence, including wayward dad saying you have proof of a sexual affair, together with any details of OM's dodgy past from his XW.
3) Expose to the children
4) Rest, eat and sleep while she's sulking. You can send her a nice pleasant text or something tomorrow.

Indiegirl, What is crazy is you new he was a wayward father before I ever told you about her relatnship with him. You mentioned it to me about his response to airing our business etc... and guess what my Wife said her mother told her she believed he was having an affair and it was never exposed. Are you a mind reader or what.

I'm suprised her Mother isn't supporting me being she is a BS also.

I lost 25lbs in about 6 weeks.

She was free to date around, but that sounds like a rather practiced bit of deception.

From Dr H's article on infidelity the lessons children learn:

"Julie was told over and over that it was not dad's business to know what mom does. This was meant to justify the fact that mom was lying to dad. Although Julie's mom was a very honest and open person before the affair, mom became quite an expert at deceit and privacy. Julie was watching her model every step of the way.

A third crucial lesson is,

How to be thoughtless -- doing what you please regardless of how it affects other people.
Julie would learn how to take advantage of her friends and family when there was something in it for her because of her Mom's decision to end the marriage."

If the kids are told "don't worry nothing is wrong" then they come to see affair behaviour as normal.

Your wife may have learned some very damaging lessons very young and I wonder if she has cheated before.

Regardless, your steps are still the same and you need to make sure the kids are fully informed.

Not sure if she cheated before. I do know she said if I cheated, it would be a deal breaker... I will tell you her personality does not even come off as a cheater, and yes she could have learned to be deceitful. I can tell you this though she was a exactly like the pepperband listing in black. she has a huge consciounes. and she has a strong faith, and since I've been going back to church and giving myself to God, she has become even more distant from it, I would ask if her every sunday to come with and she would say, I'm not ready etc...

Me three!!! Good job, friend.

You can be a typical WW and still have some bad habits, like thinking OS friends are OK and that it's OK to lie your way out of a tough spot.

If she didn't have some of these bad habits, there wouldn't be any A at all. It doesn't necessarily mean these habits have caused an A before now.

Just something to keep in mind and prepare for just in case.

Assuming she is, she never exposed which means she was gaslighted into supporting the whole sorry mess.

She may be a help, she may not be.



Stick around! When you see the same story every. single. day. you will be a mind reader too.

Find a type of food you can stomach and pummel it. Popular choices are bananas and nuts. Rest if you can't sleep. If things are a real struggle get anti depressants to get you through short term.

I just got of the phone with the OM ex-wife, she told me I brought her back 8 years ago, she said he cheated on her back then and blindsided her. She never seen it coming. She said is Father is really old and ill, mother deceased. She said he is a lost soul and not saying it b/c of what happen with them. She said he as nothing and is a smooth talker, She requested I didn't send a message to her 16 year old b/c he has lot of issues from the their A and Divorce. I seen his name and never sent it, God protected him, She told me he has not been picking up their 16 year old and now she knows why, she said he hasn't been there for him anyways. She said she would help me in anyway to save my Marriage, even would like to talk to my Wife and tell her how he really is. See he is a pharmacist, but he has lost everything. I did see a civil case against him from some sort of accident on circuit page. She told me she was sorry for what he is doing to my family. I told her not to apologize for him and I"m sorry she has to be reminded by this.. She told me to call her anytime.

OM has pulled his FB page down Per the ex-wife. She sounded very sad and genuine. My heart goes out with her. So when will I here from my wife? I tried to call OM last night, he wouldn't answer me. So I don't want any stalking reports done on me. I feel a bit numb right now. Not sure what to think anymore.

Now with this information from the ex-wife what do I do with it? I've been eating, I just can't seem to keep the weight on, I was 225lb, I'm 193lb. It must be the stress kicking in or something.

The ex-wife said her and the kids have finally gotten through this mess he has caused. She said they did a lot of counseling. I feel for her.

Infidelity is a terrible thing to do.

You are experiencing the emotions that everyone goes through in this situation.
It is normal to feel what you are feeling.
You have done well, you only need to expose to the children at this point. Read up on it on how to do it correctly.
Don't expect the OM to answer you, he will be a coward(almost all are), he is probably scared to death since you are a police officer.

Things to do/don't do-
DO NOT LEAVE your house(as in don't move out).
Have a VAR with you for any interactions with your wife.
Since she has already filed, you need to find a good attorney.
Know that you are on a rollercoaster, it will be a wild ride (emotional).
Be strong for your kids and wife.
Be cool and calm around your wife.
Use the phrases you have been told here, about why you exposed, building a loving marriage
DO NOT reveal how and where you got your info
DO NOT apologize for exposing
You will hear all sorts of craziness, irrational thoughts,acusations,nastiness, re-writing of marital history, etc from the wayward.
Keep posting here as the vets will help.
There is a list somewhere on this site that tells you the do/don't that is awesome.

Please read this. Exposing to the Children

WD,
I would try and arrange for your WW to talk to the OM's wife. If she refuses, I would WRITE DOWN all the things that she has told you so you can raise serious doubt about this man's character and give it her. Right now, she is in the fog and is not thinking in her right mind so it probable won't deter her for the moment, but as the affair starts to hit reality and fantasy bubble pops over time the red flags you have shared with her will be seen clearly.

Your exposure has been a great success. You've hit multiple targets and have done serious damage to the affair.

Then next thing I would do is confront the other man. Because of your position as a police officer, I would bring another person with you as a witness. But let him know that he is to stay away from your wife and that you are going to fight for your marriage. Don't be violent and don't threaten violence. But be firm, steady, and look him straight in the eye as you tell him this.

Good luck! You're doing great.