How old is he? I would maybe reach out to WW and ask if you can have an activity with SS. Make sure you have a plan ready if she says yes. You might say, I really miss SS and would like to take him to the park to play catch or play with DD or take him out for ice cream with DD. This was a huge LB in the past and the fact that you care so much now and want to still be his parent despite what is going on will make a huge LB deposit.

Also, you can invite her along if she wishes but even going without her is fine and will be making a LB deposit.

I will continue with plan A, its going to be hard when she told me dosn't need to talk to me again and she isnt here. I guess when would be a good time to contact her.

You are on the right track. Keep thinking and implementing personal change. Every. Single. Day.

Do you have Love Busters? This book completely changed me.

Spending time with her having fun showing her that you are changing is a great way to associate good feelings to you! Creating havoc on the A behind the scenes and dating her.

This is exactly how I won my wife back after her A. She saw that the A was a terrible choice and saw hope in our new M. She saw that she we could indeed change as people. That I could change.

I showed her these things. I didn't just tell her.

I showed her that the past was not a good indicator of the future if both sides want the same thing and are willing to do the work to get there.

Right now she is following her feelings. Every decision she makes is with her feelings.
You have to be cognizant of this fact by using your head.

He is 14, he only likes video games, I tried to take him with Daughter a few weeks back and he didn't want to go, he told his mother he's only doing it b/c were having problems, thats what W told me. That is a good idea, she did tell me on the phone to leave her and SS alone. He is on her side all the way. I don't know when to ask for this, I do need to let all this chaos calm down.

What I did was plan things with our children and ask her to come along. No pressure either way. If she said yes, then great. If not, no big deal. That is pretty much exactly what I said to her. Sometimes she would say yes, and other times no.

Cool either way.

She was hesitant at first because she was afraid she would be ambushed with relationship talk or just massive uneasy feelings.

I didn't put any pressure on our recovery at all during that time. I put all my focus on changing myself and just trying to have as many positive interactions with her as humanly possible.

No Pressure. None whatsoever. She is sensitive to the slightest touch of pressure. You want her to come to you on her own will.

Guess what. It worked.

I would play this by ear and give it some time. See how things unfold this week with the affair. Hopefully, the OM will dump her. WE will SEE! In the meantime, just continue to be as pleasant as possible, keep the house neat and clean and be as inviting as possible.

You are doing a great job with your Plan A, so just stick with it.

Plan something fun that you know he will love maybe a baseball game or a movie. I would maybe wait until Friday to bring up and ask if SS would like to accompany DD and yourself to your planned activity. Even if he or WW chooses not to join you, DD could use the activity for her well being as well.

It's now time to better your life, make yourself attractive and the person WW would want to be married to. Be SUPER-DAD, DD and SS are probably feeling the effects of what is going on and they need the attention and distraction as well.

I get that, what if she calls me and she starts talking divorce, I continue to say thats for the lawyers and I will talk to you about reconcilliation? I know my wife had told me she would like to continue taking daughter even after divorce. I don't want my daughter around that OM.

Good advice from 20Year. The dating idea is very good.

What stands out to me is that both your carrot and stick are effective. She is responding positively to your changes and the love bank deposits you are trying to make, and the nuclear exposure you are doing is throttling the affair and is going to make moving forward uncomfortable for both of them.

If you make it to recovery, one of your conditions may have to be for her to end her relationships with the friends who are cheaters and who have supported this affair.

In the meantime, buy her flowers on a weekly basis. One thing you might do when things calm down is send her a few dozen at one time. Overwhelm her with an office or cube full of flowers.

Make her dinner each week and drop it off where she lives. Fridays are good, because people are tired at the end of the workweek unless she goes out to eat. Thursdays are also good. Make sure you cook her her favorite meals, ones that will remind her of the good times.

Check in with SS regularly. Send him notes of support.

Send your wife updates on sobriety. "3 months sober now, and I owe it to you."

When she is sick do things to take care of her: buying her soup, getting her a comforter, etc.

Upgrade your wardrobe, and dress in a style that you know she finds attractive. Wear cologne too. Next to this guy, you will look like Brad Pitt.

"Yeah, I don't know..probably should check my attorney's progress. Anyway, thinking about going to __________ Friday night (someplace you know she likes). Would be great if you could join us. No problem either way"

I need a break, I'm still waiting to get put on the day shift, the transfers haven't come yet, hopefully by Monday.

[quote] I get that, what if she calls me and she starts talking divorce, I continue to say thats for the lawyers and I will talk to you about reconcilliation? [quote]

Correct. Just say, I am not in agreement with the divorce.

And she should not see your daughter for the reasons you say. Let her know those reasons.

When is a good time to start with the flowers??? I don'twant to send her flowers today, I'm going to look like a needy coocoo..

WD, just continue to tell her that you are letting the lawyers handle the divorce and don't engage in any divorce talk.

And I agree you shouldn't send flowers or contact her today. Just let the dust settle and be as pleasant as possible when she calls.

You need to just stick with what you have been doing and don't get sidetracked. You are doing a great job!!

Agree. I would wait till the shock of your exposures and confrontation calm down a little. But because she likes the attention and admiration you give her (admiration is one of Dr. Harley's EN's) I think you don't have to wait long. Maybe a week would be good.

Thats what I was thinking. She has always loved me giving her attention, every day off I had, She would always lay her head on my lap and I would rub her forehead, ears, eybrows, back, neck and bumm. she loved that, I think it made her feel safe.

Another thing you can do is send her romantic texts. While she might tell you to go to hell, as her affair crumbles, she will have those texts and will remember how kind you were to her. The OM's true colors, a selfish piece of crap who cares nothing about her will start coming out over time. She will begin to see the stark difference between you and that low down scumbag.

I was looking at exposure 101, you know how many times I was told I cant trust you??

Are you amazed that they say all the same things? It is so predicable!

What are you doing to find OW's BF and contacts? You need to expose all at once.