Thank you for saying "Moving out does not justify adultery". I needed to hear that!

I also know that he was likely having an affair at work. I don't care when, even though he tried to tell me today he didn't discuss anything with her until he moved out. It doesn't matter to me. What matters is that he is having an affair. I am moving on to the next step.

Work is out of the question, for reasons I cannot specify here. I know it is required for this to work, but I can only work with what I can and pray for the best.

The significant other is also not an option. Both are not on Facebook and I don't have the logistics or resources to make it happen. He has literally no friends..except a distant friend. That person and family have been contacted. There was no fluff...it was to the point and definitely not his version of events. One responded in shock already and will be calling him.

I am now going to work on my letter to him, which I will give to him sooner than later. This was the best I could do. The only other option was to not do anything at all. At least I tried. I feel somewhat empowered, but I know that will not last, when he finds out what I did. I will stay strong and just tell him, I'm sorry you are angry. I need to have no contact in order for me to heal. This whole thing is tearing me apart physically and mentally and my children are suffering.

Can you hire a PI to find OW's BF?

Do you want to save you marriage?

Wos, did your relationship begin as an affair?

No it didn't. I never dreamt this type of behavior was possible from him. I married him for his character. He was 100% committed to our marriage and family. This is a shock to all.

I cannot hire a PI, unfortunately. I do want to save my marriage, but not at the detriment of neglecting my work and my family and jeopardizing my livelihood. I am sad beyond belief and if I do not get a grip soon, everything else that I have left is going to fall apart. I love him with all my heart and soul.

Have you asked your doctor for ADs?

That doesnt make any sense. There isn't any law or prohibition or comeback for telling the truth. I've never heard of it being 'out of the question' for one person to tell the truth to another person. You are making it needlessly complicated.



What 'logistics or resources' does it require for one person to find another person? I assume he doesn't live underground and off the grid. You can't find him just because he is not on Facebook? Have you tried anything else beside that?

As for expense, I assure you this wil be expensive. There is no such thing as an affair that doesn't completely rape your finances. The only question is how you want to spend your money. Divorcing a wayward costs a whole lot of money, for example and evidence from a PI could save you money in that respect.

But you don't need to use a PI, use your common sense. Figure out where she lives, check the phone book, check address listings, search the internet, make some calls.

I have to find people every day as a reporter. Last week I had to trace someone knowing nothing more than their race and town. Not even a first name and I did it without using a single tool apart from the phone.



Yes this a war on your very being. Do you want to bring a pea shooter to this war or a real gun? Get your exposure weapon ready properly.

Please level with us too. It's really annoying when anonymously protected people tell us they 'can't say here'. Your story and fears of exposure are just the same as everyone else's.

Hello All,

I just wanted to provide an update. As I found myself spiraling downhill about a month ago, I had to make the decision to move on emotionally for the sake of my well being, my children and my job. I am a firm believer in the "the truth will always out"....and "whatever will be, will be". In finding my own happiness, strength, and power, I came to the conclusion that we all have a very short life and we all deserve what happiness we can find in the short time we are here and if I don't make him happy, then who am I to stand in the way of his happiness. I chose to move forward in lieu of experiencing more pain and sadness. I decided to just accept what I knew, what he told me. Which was that they were just friends. I had since, turned a blind eye to the possibility of an affair, because I simply did not want to know and could not believe it. I could not deal with the pain. In moving forward, and in my forced ignorance, we developed an amiacable relationship and started spending VERY small amounts of time together, with the kids, on Mother's Day, and out to dinner recently (Sunday). Just a very friendly dinner, laughing, talking, just like when we first met. No talk about us, just me being sweet as pie and making all of those so called love deposits. I was feeling VERY proud of myself. He was finally opening up to me and I felt like I had all the power...because I was moving on and felt it would be a bonus if he decided to move on with me. If not, his loss.

Fast forward to the present day. Knock on the door in the middle of dinner, little one gets down to check it out and comes back, "mommy, some man is at the door". It was the coworker's longtime boyfriend. He was in complete shock and devastated. So we finally have full exposure, but I can't take the credit.

I was hurt and devastasted all over again, but didn't shed too many tears, because in my heart I knew a couple months ago. I crawled in bed and snuggled with my little one and hugged her tight and just let the last of the tears flow. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted, but at the same time I feel like it has been replaced by another.

I talked briefly with my husband (for the first time that feels strange calling him that) and he just said, "I'm sorry" several times. I know from talking to him he is at a very low point and struggling emotionally. I kept telling him, I don't understand any of this, because I know he is a good man, but he just said, "no I'm not".

I honestly don't know how I feel about any of this. I don't want to think about it. I didn't even want to see the texts the man wanted to show me. His telling me was enough. My marriage is sacred to me...or it was. I am just sick about it now, sick about him and sick about the lost love I thought I had with who I thought was my lifelong partner.

If I decide to fight for my husband...if...what are my options now? Do I go into no contact? It will be difficult because we sit together at the kids activities every other night. I know he still has feelings for her and may even still be seeing her. I didn't even want him to explain anything or hear any details.

UGH!!! Just typing all of this out is crushing to me. He is sorry I have to go through all of this over again...at least he didn't deny it like before or make me feel like his leaving was because of the horrible person I am. That is one step in the right direction, right?

I humbly bow down to the experts here to give the wise advice I so desperately need right now. And I am sorry I ever doubted your knowledge and experience.

Just feeling kind of lost right now.

I would go back and read this thread and start making a plan. We gave you a plan of attack. Many of us spent a lot of our valuable time on this thread and that advice was ignored. The ball is in your court now. We have done all the footwork so far and now it is your turn.

I am sorry if I don't fully understand how plan A and plan B. I am a smart woman, but must be completely ignorant in the ways of affairs and what to do about them. The advice wasn't ignored. I chose to take it under advisement and move on for the sake of my own well being, my children and my livelihood. I chose to expose to the extent I could manage. I chose to not to ruin my career, my husbands career, and the life I have worked so hard to build for my children.

From reading previous posts, I am guessing plan B is in order. Still can't figure out what step of the process I am in. I am in virgin territory here. Unlike you, who has probably been giving the same spiel to thousands of people for the last few years. It is second nature to you. I can imagine how you feel when clueless people like me come on board seeking answers. Kind of like how I feel when I hire a new employee and I am frustrated at their stupidly and how they just don't get it, despite my repeatedly telling them the same thing over and over again.

Thanks for your response. I will figure it out.

Did you re-read the thread? I would focus on a) exposing the affair and b) making plans to go into Plan B. Exposure will be the most important first step. Exposure does not ruin careers.

There is a difference between moving on and burying your head in the sand.
Look at the pain this betrayed boyfriend is in...yet he knocked on YOUR door 2 months after you knew!

By refusing to fully expose you have enabled this affair.

If you want a step by step direction, the first step is full exposure.

Sure did. It is exposed. Work knows, family, friends, and children on both sides know. I did my half before and he did his half today.

What do you mean "he did his half?" His half of what? Exposure is supposed to be done by the betrayed spouse.

Did he resign his position at work? Did you expose at the workplace?

The boyfriend did his half. He also exposed at the workplace to a certain extent. I get what your are saying about exposing to senior leadership and I can guarantee you this would destroy his career and lead to needless investigation into my personal life and career. I'm pretty sure I hear what you are saying... plan B is a no go unless full exposure at work.

Sorry if I am not making sense. Her boyfriend exposed. My husband did nothing.

You mean that the AFFAIR would destroy his career, don't you? He was not worried about his career one bit when he had a workplace affair and now he can't stay there. Dr. Harley recommends giving the WS 30 days to leave the job in the case of workplace affairs. If he is not cleared out in 30 days, he advocates exposure to the workplace authorities.

To whom did he expose?

You are back to square one.
Once again, making excuses why you cant expose to work.
Exposure is the first step and you cant kill this affair without exposing.

The betrayed boyfriend may have exposed to some but until you fully expose, this step is not being taken and you cant move forward

A few coworkers, but nobody important. It is a small office though. Word may get around.

Okay, I see what needs to be done. Thanks for the advice and pointing me in the right direction. I'm not totally certain I can do it, bit I will be taking a sick day tomorrow to think about this.

Thanks for your time tonight. It is very appreciated.

Thanks. I do see this now. I just needed it beaten over my head obviously. My brain is very cloudy right now.