Married second wife in 2012. I have 2 children from previous marriage. Lately we've been having "blended family" difficulties. We've been seeing a counselor which has helped. Our next appt is in two weeks and something come up last night that is bothering me deeply.

Since I have to provide health ins for my kids per my divorce, i've been carrying them on my ins for the past 9 years. Last year my wife broached the subject of having all of us on her ins. It is cheaper and similar network of drs. So that's what we did.

Well, after the 1st of the year, came all the rules. Since my ex-wife has domicile custody of my kids, she brings them to the dr. 99% of the time......as it's always been. So my wife gave me these "rules" and "restrictions".....making sure that my ex-wife doesn't bring the kids unnecessarily to the dr., makes sure she stays in network, wasn't even going to allow her to have a medical ID card......was just going to give her a paper copy. I should have seen the signs.

So my kid needed to go to the eye doctor. I told my ex which ones were in network. The dr. needed my wife's SS#, but my wife didn't want me to give it to my ex, so I called the dr. and gave it to her.

Well, 4 weeks go by and we get the EOB, obviously the dr. charged more than just an eye exam which was supposed to be covered 100%. My wife blames my ex in that she didn't tell the dr. the right thing in order to get it covered 100% (whatever that means). Then there was another visit to a different doctor (which i knew about.......had to do with getting my youngest checked out (physical) due to an irregular heartbeat she had after a basketball game. So my wife questioned if I knew about that and was upset SHE didn't know about it. Then asked me if i gave my ex-wife her SS# after she told me NOT to give it to her (which I honestly didn't, I gave it to the dr.).

So much drama and I don't know if it's jealousy, control, both........is this normal in these types of situations??

Need some input please.

Do you understand PoJA? The Policy of Joint Agreement. It enables the couple to operate as one unit. A relationship without PoJA has cancer! It is particularly important with blended families. Because the temptation is for you to prioritise your kids, and your wife's temptation is to prioritse her kids (does she have any?), or other things like money.

If you firm up the joint agreements between the two of you, this won't matter. It won't matter if you come to the table with different priorities as long as you go away with a joint agreement.

PoJA means never do anything withut an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse. If it bothers her - dont do it. If it bothers you - dont do it. The solution which suits you both is the wisest one.

I'd guess you aren't familiar with PoJA because you have broken it quite a few times in your description. Let me specify:



That's very good of her and shows great communication skills. If she didn't tell you what breaks PoJA, how would you know?



It sounds like you agreed unenthusiastically. Which isn't PoJA. PoJa involves saying no to things you don't want. You signed up to an agreement you didn't want dishonestly. Your wife will now be mystified why suddenly you don't agree any more.

However, with PoJA we are always free to change our mind or point out that something isn't working well.



Just up and did it anyway? This is independent behaviour. It is a lovebuster which will have wounded your wife a good deal. I bet her reaction wasn't good. After making an agreement with her you went and unilaterally broke that agreement. Teaming up with your ex as you did so. She must have been devastated.


You can't have PoJA without radical honesty (RH). Give your wife all the information you can. All the info you need to negotiate a good solution. You had one bad episode and decided to duck your head in the sand, not speak up, not share information and let the women get on with it.



So did you provide your wife with RH and tell her that you went behind her back and gave it to the doctor? Please do so.



It would be quite normal to feel jealousy over a husband teaming up with the ex against you. As for control, she is requesting to be part of the decision making. Being told lies and being ran over is not control. You are controlling her with untruths. You are controlling what she knows so you can make decisions without her.

You wouldn't have got into this position if you had told her you didn't like the idea in the first place. then you could have negotiated a better solution before anything even happened. You need to make true PoJA decisions or you will create similar messes like these.

Your wife must be very hurt and upset.

Would it be fair to say that you just rolled over and agreed to the insurance suggestion to avoid conflict?

Are you in the When Mama aint Happy No One Aint Happy group of husbands?

How has that policy worked out for you so far?

Usually when you avoid conflict today you are just creating double for tomorrow.

I'd reject the roll over policy and start using PoJA.

I might be able to help you sort this out part way. I'm sure others will come along as well.

1. Don't put doctor office in the middle and expect them to be the go-betweens. Most doctors have financials agreements that state the person bringing minor is financially fully responsible for the entire bill. If this is the case w/the eye doctor, your ex-wife and you need to be fully in cooperation as I am sure between yourselves you are sharing responsibility in a way worked out already.

2. Given I assume your new wife wanted to save on resources while at the same time she wants to have her privacy respected-- you will have to set a system in place so you and your wife have enthusiastic agreement, which is called POJA here at Marriage Builders.

3. One suggestion might be to hire a neutral third party such as a family law attorney to manage the children's financial needs. Of course doing this might stand in the way of saving money.

4. Now that your wife has learned her idea to place the children on her plan is a trigger for her, she might want to switch back to having the children on your insurance plan when there is open enrollment or another opportunity. Its just a reality the doctor office will need your wife's SSN and its likely going to be difficult for your current wife to train your ex-wife to use the network to her liking and again you will end up paying more when she steps outside or does not advise the doctor office of plan limits. This interfacing has created confusion and an adversarial condition all around, a triangle to avoid.

4. Take this as a lesson learned for future especially big ticket items that will come along regarding the children. Help yourselves set boundaries with ex wife you are both enthusiastic about (REad Dr Harley's book HE wins/She wins) in a way that helps your ex wife realistically manage the kids and does not create war.

Also know your wife is complaining to help build compatibility with you. I assume you are just learning about MB by posting to this site. Dr Harley especially advises men to listen to their wives complaints. She is telling you what are her lovebusters.

Lovebusters are actions that diminish her love for you. Her complaining is giving you an opportunity. If she was not complaining and simply withdrawing this would mean she has closed her "love bank" to you. She no longer is allowing you to add to her love bank so even if you are trying to be nice or romantic, she is not noticing your efforts and your efforts are certainly not increasing her love towards you. So the fact she is complaining, you have a wonderful opportunity you do not want to blow or you will experience her withdrawal from you.

The insurance thing was likely a bad idea. Learn here about Policy of Joint Agreement and other terrific tools that will help protect your love for one another.

One thing I have learned here is that what ever sensitivity I happen to have or spouse has (like your wife not wanting SSN given to ex/doctor w/out her permission) --except it and respect it. Don't torture her and make her justify her feelings and needs and do not make disrespectful judgements about this sensitivity ie she is being controlling.

POJA with this sensitivity in mind so you can both wind up enthusiastic towards your decision. Make the process safe and free of selfish demands, disrespectful judgements and angry outbursts.

Highly recommend HE Wins/She Wins, written for these situations.

That's not exactly necessary. Many divorced couples are advised to parrallel parent and specificaly advised not to co-parent. Co-parenting is for people who get along and people who get along stay married!

I'm not against co-parenting with the ex where it is possible but it's not strictly speaking an MB concept.

Dr H has advised many people to have no contact at all with their former spouse.

Here are some excellent reads.

Blended Families #1
Blended Families #2

Also,
How to Resolve Conflicts

If you do come back and are interested in following MB I will post some excellent radio clips on blended families.

Let us know.

The use of the word "jealousy" tells me that your current W doesn't like it that you maintain a relationship with your ex. How do you two communicate?

Perhaps it would be best to limit it to email and allow your current W to be involved in the emails that are going back and forth between you and the ex regarding the children.

Please see parallel parenting link in my signature line.

I agree, not everyone can co-parent. But I mentioned not placing doctor office in the middle so doctor office are not expected to mediate between the parents.

Have your own means of managing sensitive information and finances.

I've had too many experiences where the non-coparenting parents or badly co-parently parents do not pay their doctor bills because they cannot work it out between themselves.

If you create drama triangles you are going to get drama. Your wife likely had no idea this was going to be upsetting and she didn't predict your reaction to your ex wife and this doctor office. Its a bad idea not to back your wife up in front of others. Again you need to renegotiate a working solution that will help you wife and you be happy.

The idea about having email communications with ex wife about specific issues that includes wife is an idea.

That's why we recommend this
Parallel Parenting