HFD,

Hello! I thought you guys were well into recovery, so I was surprised to see your handle among the recent posters on this forum. I get the impression that your concern is far more than simply not attending your son's two baseball games due to possible WW/OM encounter. You could arrange for another parent or the coach to get him to both games, AND both of you tell him the reason, and be done with it. Obviously, you two had the better option of moving, but you resisted. One thing you may want to do is to use your intel to determine if her Om is still
living in your area, or if this is a perceived trigger and threat.

Your WW seems to have a habit of punching your buttons at your expense, and that is not healthy. As I recall from your previous story, she declined to send a NC letter, declined to leave the job where she met him, and avoided the truth about her affair. Now, from what you state, she is willing to throw EP's aside and assume the risk of an OM encounter by attending these games just to prove that she doesn't still love her OM!
That is just unreasonable thinking and disrespectful to you. It is like a recovering alcoholic choosing to rent an apt. above a liquor store. Most of my married life I have been guided by the tenet that you show your love for your spouse by NOT in any way making him/her feel uncomfortable, unsafe, or threatened Think your feelings of resentment toward your WW after this amount of time are due to not feeling safe or comfortable with he.

And, please do not attempt to try to 'snow' the people here with the grad school excuse in regard to lack of adequate UA time. I have been in grad school twice in my life - first time in my late 20's when I went for my MBA while working full-time, and more recently in my late 50's when I went for grad courses in tax accounting. Yea, it was tough on both of us, but I am fortunate that I did listen to my W and spent time with her even if it meant that occasionally I might fall behind in studies. I tried to involve her and discuss with her what I was learning, and what it might mean for us.

Think you need to stay on this forum for awhile AND accept the advice and act on it instead of presenting counter proposals of your own. Better yet, get serious about you and WW counseling with Harley. In that regard, I agree with 'idiegirl' (she does have a very intriguing name!) that your M won't last the three years you hope for.

Tom

Do you feel this way when you are out of the area? I redecorated my home recently and I was amazed at how much better I feel. I had reached a happy point in my Plan B I wasnt consciously triggered.

The A never happened in my home but it is where I discovered it and where I was lied to. Just the place looking different makes me feel...lighter. It really makes me wonder how much better I will feel in a completely new place (which is happening soon) Now I don't have any recovery to do, so I have a lot less triggers than most anyway.



It's a made up name Tom, it's short for independent

Tom,

Thanks for our note.

Yes, you remeember the facts clearly. I wonder if for those reasons I still struggle with trust issues, healing. Sometimes I feel she has on;y worked the plan as she sees it, or wants to, or is/was convenient for her.

I get insecure wondering if it's just a personality thing, a sense of entitlement....or, since she's gone down this road now, still a WW mindset?

Indie,

Although I do feel better when I'm out of the immediate vicinity (we both do), personally....no, even on my best days, I feel that her A, excuse my language, really f'd my brain up. Like the hard-wiring is all screwed...my thinking used to be so focused, firm, and agile.

Now I often feel scatter-brained, question my perspective/reality alot, often doubt or second-guess things...like my brain chemistry has been altered permanantly from this, you know? Like I've got PTSD or something...

Hello again HFD,

After more thinking about your situation HFD I believe that you are being too hard on yourself. I believe you are trying your best. However,I think that you may be assuming some blame for your expectation and hope that your W will fully commit to making you feel comfortable in your M, and that this has not been fully realized. If that is achieved, you guys would not have to obsess about the OM.

So, I presented my observation to you, but I am not going to just state that and run away! I would like to elaborate on independentgirl's observation about doing new and challenging things and making significant changes. I.e., redecorating is fine, but in your situation, I would advise to focus on you. You seem to be a very good guy. So, some suggestions: work out consistently physically (maybe you are doing this), work on upgrading things around your home - a new nice furniture cabinet for the family room, a new bush or tree for the yard this spring, begin to engage in a hobby that interests you (w/o sacrificing UA time), take a self-interest course -real estate, art, another language, etc., do volunteer work - I would suggest your local PADS, etc. Maybe you are doing most of these things, but I suggest for the sake of an attempt to reduce your focus on your expectations regarding your wife's commitment to your marriage as well as the thing in the back of your mind about the OM possibly being in your area.

I know this is not an MB recommendation, but why don't you post a list of self-enhancement goals for you that you would consider instead of dwelling on cthe. I am a poor Cary Grant, but I have a gut feeling that women admire men who are not afraid to challenge themselves for sake of improvement, and take off in an unanticipated and unexpected direction, as long as it doesn't involve infidelity, independent behavior or a sacrifice In UA time. A careful balance.

Tom

It did really f-up your brain, in a major way. That is what PTSD does, some of us end up with it after this mess. I am one of those but can honestly say ~ it does get better, over time. From your timeline it looks like you are about 4 years out? For some of us that is still fairly early on, especially if there was a FR or trickle-truths ~ that will extend your recovery timeline exponentially.

I can't say if the PTSD will ever fully go away ~ we are 8 years out from d-day and 7 years out from recovery after a hellish one-year long FR and I still experience it but nothing like I did in the beginning. It has gotten quite a lot better over time, I will tell you that much.

In hindsight, what I believe helped both me individually and our M:

~moving out of Affairland. I have been back in Affairland for the past 8 weeks due to serious medical issues and it's been no fun and I can't wait to get out. I have triggered much more than I normally do. We are 7 years into recovery and just being back here has made me think of it more than I have in years. Totally tolerable because our M is in a great place but still a bummer.
~doing the MB program
~getting our UA time in. When we skip it or don't get our hours in, we both feel it.

Thanks, BH.

Very helpful...although I do struggle mightily with resentment from that time, maybe moreso from the aftermath.

Appreciate it!

I don't know what Dr. Harley would recommend or if further exposure would help your recovery.

I think Dr. Harley would encourage you to focus on moving out of the area or state