My life feels like a heartbroke country song
I have been married for 8 years now, doesn't look like I'm going to make it 9. I dated my wife 6 years before we were married.

I'm not going to pretend to be blameless in all this,I've put the kids needs in front of hers too often....been sad and pouty when she made plans without us....jealous a lot early in the relationship but primarily just wanting to spend my time with her....of other guys before we were married but that had kind of gone away over time until recently. I know my irrational fears, jealousy and insecurities over the years would make her mad but didn't realize how bad they hurt her and it has kind of became a self fulfilling prophecy as my fear of her leaving is becoming true.

Over the past three or four months she started hanging out more with a new female friend after her night job and not coming home until after the kids and I were asleep or if I waited up I was sullen and moody because this was a major change to our lives and it scared me. She was constantly on the phone with the friend and when she would go to her house the fiends husband and best friend were always there which also scared me. One day he started messaging her on facebook (we had a relationship where we looked at each others pages and even if I wasn't on there the notifications kept popping up on the ipad). I asked her about it and she told me she couldn't believe I asked her if something was going on....another week of nonstop messages and I asked her how it would feel if I started messaging a girl I hadn't even known two months like that and she said she understood and would slow it down....two more weeks and the messages kept growing and then I did something stupid and blocked him from her account.....totally an [censored] move but it made me feel good at the time.

She has been more distant and cold for about a month.....told me she didn't love me anymore about three weeks ago and that if it weren't for the kids she would have left already. I started seeing a psychologist about my insecurities and she talked about going to get over her anger and resentment. I've been sad but doing a lot better lately as I saw the writing on the wall.....Monday I break down and tell her I need her to love me again and could we try counseling and she admits she has feelings for someone else and is not interested/thinks it would be better if we lived separately (meaning I go live with my parents).....I told her that separate was fine but I was not leaving, she was the one that wanted to change things so she could go......I feel bad about this, because she doesn't get along with her parent well enough to go there but I don't see why I should leave.....I am the primary caregiver to the children....we both work full time but I'm home earlier and she works two nights a week as a teacher which requires grading papers/preparing lessons on nights she is home....throw that in with her workouts and visits to her new friends and I often felt like a single father and its only gotten worse over the last month obviously.

When she told me about wanting to leave, that actually felt better than the limbo we'd been in but she says she is still conflicted....I know she is out the door and I'm really surprising myself with how nice and caring I am finding myself able to be with her about this....I think it is kind of a wake up call to deal with my issues...too late for my marriage but it should make me a better person for my kids. I have another session tomorrow, first since news of the other man.

I realize I'm kind of rambling, just feels good to put this out there as there is no one I can talk to about this, I'm not telling family until she is officially out of the house and I'm an introvert so close friends to talk with...seems like a heavy topic for a 3 and 4 year old......lol.

where do you go from here.....

hi JJ, sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. There is a lot going on in your life that you have been tricked about. This is what we call gaslighting. Are you familiar with the movie Gaslight? You need to watch it because that is your life.

Let's start with your "jealously" and "insecurity." Here is what Dr Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders says about that:


From what you describe, your wife has poor boundaries around members of the opposite sex and runs around like a single person. Because of this, she is having an affair. And you knew her behavior was risky.

THAT is why you are jealous and insecure. Not because you are lunatic but because your wife engages in behavior that risks your welfare.

Your wife left to have an affair. She did not leave and THEN have the affair, she has been having it this whole time and that is WHY she left.

The above describes what actually happened to you, Sir.

You should start with the simple realization that your wayward wife is 100% responsible for her affair. She has incapacitated you with her gaslighting. You need to wake up to the reality of what you are up against and steel yourself for the battle ahead. Stop cowing to the blame shifting.

Please read.
Please Explain Gaslighting

Thanks, So I am thinking about telling her I want to tell family today/tomorrow and that I can't be her plan b.....I am fine with her staying until she can find someplace. Comments and suggestions would be appreciated.
Thanks again

I wouldn't tell her anything. I would go read my exposure thread, gather your facts, and expose her affair wide and far.

Do you realize you have been played for a very long time? Any normal person would feel "jealous and insecure" if their spouse had such poor boundaries. Most spouses wouldn't put up with what you have tolerated yet you have been tricked into believing something is wrong with you.

Just had to do it.....I know people are going to start asking me about her ring and I won't be able respond. I told her she wasn't happy and I think we just need to tell people and look for somewhere for her to live (response was why do I have to leave an I calmly responded you are the one that wants the changes so I don't think I should have to). She said she thought I was trying to scare her into staying and I said no, I just want the limbo to be done if she's leaving to leave, I can't be her plan b. she said she didn't think she could ever love me again and I told her that was ok and everything would work out in the end with no hard feelings. I told her I can't keep blaming myself but I know we have both made mistakes and I'm sorry it came to this. She has left in the car to "have her reaction". I stayed calm and didnT show any emotion and that did feel good.....scared as hell about where I go from here.

Said she thinks I didn't show her I loved her enough and was too controlling so she stopped trying to go out with friends (not entirely correct as all of her friends until these new ones also had young children and weren't going out either) but I do accept that I put the kids first (is that compleletly Wrong, no....but I should have shown her more Ffection and I should have not gotten sad and pouty when she did go do things with girlfriends (didnT think she ever changed plans because of this but I guess I was wrong and didnT see it)

I know I could have handled a little better but am happy with how it went overall.

Did you read my post? Or are you here to blog?

JJ,

You are acting out on your own without a strategy, and you do no know how to effectively respond to this crisis. You may not know it, but there is an effective plan that you can carry out to fight for your marriage and against your wife's affair and independent behavior.

If you take any advice, make it this: do not take any more action with your wife until you have read the following links and until you have shared each step of your plan with those here in the forum.


Read these links before doing anything else.

Read the links, ask the moderator to move this thread to Surviving an Affair.