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Awesome BB. When you arrive at your other home, get yourself oriented and find something to get yourself engaged in so you are with others. Go to church, take an exercise class, do a craft class, sit with others in a coffee shop, get a massage, take a bubble bath, take a walk in nature, and yes see a doctor and get on an antidepressant. Break yourself out of the negative feedback loop. Take really good care of yourself. Treat yourself with high esteem even if you don't feel like it.


BW 58
WH 61
married 35 years
2 adult children
2 grandchildren

"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" c.s. lewis
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Originally Posted By: Bluebird51
Thank You! I'm on my way to other house.


hurray

Hang in there Bluebird!!


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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I haven't heard from him and my thoughts are wandering. How do you get past the pain of looking at pictures from happier times, love e-mails he once sent, etc??

How does one keep from dwelling on these things? How does anyone ever get through separation and/or divorce?

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Bluebird, are you ok? Did you reach your other home? Can you send him your letter now?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Hi Melody - I sent it an hour ago and haven't heard anything. I may not hear from him at all for days or perhaps not at all. How much time should I give him to respond?

I'm having a very hard time refraining from sending him another pathetic note about how much I love him and how at our age we need one another -- words that don't necessarily move him anymore since he seems to have fallen out of love with me. You saw how clinical he can be in his earlier response - so different from the wonderful man who wrote at first how much he would cherish me.

Last edited by Bluebird51; 04/06/14 04:54 PM.
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Please promise me you will not send him ANYTHING. Will you do this? It would be a strategic mistake if you contact him. He should not see that you are desperate or needy because he will use it to manipulate you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Sending him another email will make you appear unattractive and will only hurt you when he either doesn't respond or responds coldly.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I should know better as it's happened before when we've had issues. I get very cold responses and feel gaslighted. I will take your advice, thanks so much.

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Originally Posted By: Bluebird51
I should know better as it's happened before when we've had issues. I get very cold responses and feel gaslighted. I will take your advice, thanks so much.


I know your feelings are going to push you to contact him, but you can't let them win. They are misleading you to do things that will cause you more harm. Everytime you resist your feelings when they push you to do stupid things, you will be stronger and stronger, until it becomes second nature to put your feelings aside.

Right now it is in your best interest to NOT contact him at all. If he contacts you, then don't take his call. If he sends you an email, don't respond but come here and post it. We will help you answer in a way that strengthens your position.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I'll do as you advise then, but I'm afraid over the past week I've already made myself look pretty weak and I have sobbed on the phone once.

This is very hard for me as I'm what's called a Highly Sensitive Person and very emotional. I'm also depressed and anxious so not even thinking clearly I suppose. Thank Goodness for you and the others.

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A huge part of your depression and your anxiety is coming from decisions that have been made at the behest of your emotions. Your emotions have led you into the ditch, my friend. You will be LESS depressed and anxious once you stop doing that. It is a very emotional situation and that is where we can help. We are not emotional and can help you navigate this situation.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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thank you

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Bluebird; my father died when he was 74, three months before my parents were due to to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary with HRH. My mother remarried just three months later to someone who she had known for many years and who had been a widower for 12 years. She died in his arms two years ago and he stopped eating after that and died himself six months later.

They should have been happy, they adored each other but they never could stop fighting. By the end they lived in separate houses. The problem was that they did not negotiate. As we get older negotiation becomes increasingly important. At 18 none of us know (or care about) what we want. By the time we are 60, we are pretty fixed in our ways. My mother and stepfather did not negotiate during their courtship because it was too short and did not therefore carry that skillset into their marriage. It was sad to see two people who ought to have been happy, be so miserable.

You may get an opportunity to put this right. Somebody helped direct you here, I hope you get a chance to see this through. If it does not work out that way, know that you tried.


3 adult children
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Now remarried, thank you MB
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Bluebird,
As you know, the only way this marriage is going to be worthwhile and healthy for you is if your husband changes. If you open up to your husband and pour out your heart, he will not take the separation seriously. The separation is the only thing that you have going for you that can knock some sense into him and prod him to change. And he may not change. Certainly his pattern would indicate he's a rogue and a womanizer and he won't be happy in a monogamous relationship. But if there is a chance that he will change out of love for you, separating from him and letting him know that you are holding your ground is your only shot.

I know you are hurting. You are, in fact, grieving, and that is very hard. But be strong and let your faith help you through this. I would suggest, as others have, that you give your time to church and activities. Find service opportunities. There is something about giving and service that fills the empty spaces in our soul.

You are doing very, very well.

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Originally Posted By: Bluebird51
He sent me an e-mail when I asked if we were over:

"You need to read my words. I'm am simply saying that the past is too painful to contemplate and the future is unknown. Therefore it is senseless to discuss either. I do know I feel a lot of disappointment about our relationship(s), so I would question our ability to be happy with one another, based on history."

This is him -cold and clinical. He has cut off emotionally. He is done.


He sure talks a lot for someone who is done, doesn't he? I wonder when he is going to be done, being done?

Originally Posted By: Bluebird51
because I didn't have to do the dating scene


The dating scene IS horrible. But don't accept slavery just because you dislike applying for jobs. Think long term not short term.

Originally Posted By: Bluebird51
Men my age want younger most times - one thing I can say for current H is that my age wasn't an issue.


There are men of ALL ages who want younger. I am 35 and when I went online, by far the biggest 'audience' I attracted was men in their fifties. Blueerghh. Talk about a giveaway that they watch porn. Men my own age were going for teens and twenties. But that was a HELPFUL red flag. I knew to avoid them and it worked out well. There are nice men! Lets not give in to sexism just because desperados abound.

Originally Posted By: Bluebird51
Some but not enough. It's just one more thing to do alone. I'm sitting here right now knowing that if I dropped dead no one would know for days. That's how I felt when H left for the cottage and didn't call or email for four days. Ugh I have to stop the circular thinking. I'll talk to my doctor.

thanks


I had a late shift shortly after kicking my H out. I thought about how if I was attacked on the way to my car no one would know for days. It made me sob.

Later I decided that really, having someone at home who wouldn't care beyond calling the police isn't much of an improvement is it?

Now every single person in my life has earned their place there because they really care about me. Getting rid of my husband was needed to make room for these people.

Use Mrs Logic to free yourself knowing that a husband who does not care enough to chase you is a boulder who will drag you into unhappy depths.

You deserve better and we are going to see you get it.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Wonderful posts from Indiegirl and MelodyLane, Bluebird!

You now know that if you went missing for a day, you already have at least two people who would notice. You're not alone, now.

The advice you are getting is advice I could have used earlier in my life, and will from the present onwards. If he doesn't reach out for you, doesn't come seek you out like the greatest treasure you are, then he doesn't deserve you and your committed care. I know it hurts when they don't, for so many reasons, but over time and sticking to your guns like MelodyLane is advising will heal that hurt. No matter how old you are, you will eventually begin to feel happy and worthwhile rather than worthless and defeated. You'll be wanting to go out and meet people and do activities, and you can go to groups instead of "the dating scene." You have so much potential, carefree fun in front of you.


xFWW(me)-48
Married-14 years
D-Day~23-May-11
NC- 14-Apr-11
1 DS 15
Online course July '11 to July '12
17 sessions with S. Harley Feb '12 to Sep '12
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BB,
Did you pack up most of your possessions from your home with husband and drive the 6 hours to your former home? I want to make sure you did make it to the other home? Forgive me, but I did not see that you confirmed you had arrived to your other home?


BW 58
WH 61
married 35 years
2 adult children
2 grandchildren

"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" c.s. lewis
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Thank you for all the encouraging words this morning. I still feel down, but not quite as gut wrenchingly down as the past few days. Besides, I doubt that H feels this badly. He's BTDT.

Yes grace I did take things with me in case I'm here a long while. Arrived yesterday afternoon.

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Also, Ativan is not an antidepressant. Its a short acting anti-anxiety medication like valium that one can become very dependent. Big difference. See your doctor and ask about an anti depressant anyway. Ativan should have merely been a temporary measure.

I'm just saying take a fresh look at your present situation and get a complete physical. Yes, you don't want to be completely medicalized, but you consistently describe yourself falling into depressive cycles when reacting to your husbands behaviors.


BW 58
WH 61
married 35 years
2 adult children
2 grandchildren

"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" c.s. lewis
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Originally Posted By: Bluebird51
Thank you for all the encouraging words this morning. I still feel down, but not quite as gut wrenchingly down as the past few days. Besides, I doubt that H feels this badly. He's BTDT.
.


A) No one cares what he thinks. Probably circus tunes for the most part.
b) Didn't you say one of his exes trashed the place? He has been there done THAT. He hasn't been there done THIS. I doubt his exes were MBers. I doubt they left while there was still promise, with class and dignity. Now, there was one ex who had a 'road map for the marriage' who came close but I don't think that was a full tilt MBer. After trying reason, she maybe stayed to cajole and coax before giving up and trashing the joint.

Now even if every ex was a top level MBer, and he HAS been there done that, I still refer you to A).


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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