Hi all! Just found MB and glad to be here. I am a SAHM of 2, married for 12 1/2 years. My story with my DH is a bit different, but I think I can get the most help here.
Essentially, my DH has a very strong, one-sided, emotional attachment to another woman. This woman is someone he has known for a very long time and she is much younger than him (she was actually a child when they met.) She thinks of him as a friend, but he has drawn closer and closer to her over the last year and a half. He started out seeing her every now and again at church (he works there), then they started emailing, then texting. A year and a half ago, he revealed this to me after I had given him some "space" since he had a big project to work on and he spent the time texting her, even staying up late into the night (he can't stay up past 10 with me.) I felt the texting was inappropriate because of the age difference and it also felt as if he was cheating on me. For years I had expressly asked him to meet certain emotional needs and he refused. I thought he couldn't, until he basically started giving her the attention, the time and the texts I had always wanted. He promised to pull back and put distance between them and stop texting her.
We've always dealt with things with humor and teasing. Several months ago, he started getting really bad about teasing me and using her to make me jealous. It was getting to the point where I would beg him not to do it, I was breaking down in tears after a few days because I couldn't handle it. I was growing more and more suspicious that he wasn't avoiding her, but was in denial. At one point he admitted to spending some time with her and said he had texted her to wish her a merry Christmas. Then we went away for a family vacation 2 weeks ago. He spent a lot of time on his phone, texting. He said it was his mom. He bought a gift for someone, saying it was for someone he worked with (at his other job) and she was going to pay him back. When we got back home, I noticed a few things that made me put 2 & 2 together and realized that he had been texting her and the gift was for her. I confronted him and he admitted he had been texting her for the last 6 months. He had used a texting app so I couldn't see the texts on the phone bill and the only reason he admitted to the text at Christmas was because he had accidentally sent it from his phone and not the app. He also admitted he had been lying to me about the gift so he could give it to her without me knowing. He also admitted to having photos and video of her (he hasn't taken a photo or video of me in years) and he saved her texts, while he deletes mine immediately.
I felt betrayed and devastated. I feel like he "invited" her along on our vacation - a family vacation - without my knowledge and he spent time and energy on her that he should have dedicated to his family. He gave the gift to me (he hadn't seen her yet to give it to her) and promised he wouldn't text again. I told him I needed changes NOW or he was out. I had forgiven him more than once and was over it.
I know enough about this woman to know that she has absolutely no clue how he feels. She thinks he is a nice older guy that is funny. He admits to wanting to talk to her all the time because the conversations are light and easy and she makes him laugh. He said most conversations are silly, but that is what he likes. I know he is addicted to her and the way she makes him feel. I know he loves me, too, and wants to save our marriage. But, we are married with a house and kids and bills. Our conversations can't be silly and light all the time. Sometimes we have to deal with reality and he is using her as an escape.
He admitted to me this morning that he texted her yesterday to tell her about the gift he wasn't going to give her (huh?) This was after he promised not to text her unless it was to tell her goodbye. It makes me doubt he will be able to let her go at all. (He texted her the same time I was desperately waiting to hear from him, and all I got were short, cold texts and no answers to my questions, making me feel all the worse about it.)
I have been reading the site and know what I should do. I know I should expose him. However, it would mean the potential for some terrible consequences for our whole family and total embarrassment for her (and yes, I am 100% certain she is totally innocent in this!) I have asked him to give me his access code to his phone and will also be asking for his computer log-in (he works in HR, though, so getting access to everything is impossible since he deals with sensitive info and can be fired if something is breached - which sucks!) He is going to send her one last message - with my approval - to tell her that he can no longer be in contact with her (which will totally leave her confused, I'm sure!) then he will be deleting the app. I will then have access to check everything on his phone so he can't hide anything there. That will happen tonight. Unfortunately, unless he directly asks her not to visit at the church, there is a possibility that she will do so in a few weeks when he works again. He says he won't talk to her or see her, but I don't know if I can believe that.
He says he wants to change and wants to fix this, but he is so reluctant about giving up this friendship. We have talked ad naseum about this (yes, I have cried and yelled and threatened, but I won't do that again now that I know it could only hurt.) We are both exhausted. I am trying to put together a plan to work through this (told him I am building the marriage up to make us stronger) and we are going to be discussing our ENs next. He says he wants to change and he feels bad for the pain he is putting me through. But I still don't trust him to do the right thing if he sees her or gets a text from her again.
I do know that, if he doesn't change, I will ask him to leave. That I am set on, even though it is the last thing in the world I want. I love him so much and thought he felt the same. I never thought he could hurt me or lie to me, so this is a huge shock. There was no real "affair" with another person involved directly and there was no sex involved (our sex life is very fulfilling, although I can't help but wonder if I was just a stand-in now.)
My biggest concern and question right now is what do I do if he refuses to admit or own up to the fact that he is in love with this person? He is still telling me she is just a friend, even though he tells me he will fix things. I just don't think he has admitted the truth to himself and is just saying it to make me happy, not because he believes that he is wrong. I am planning to ask him to leave his job at the church (it is a part-time job, so not a huge amount of money comes in for it, but it will still mean a hit for us) so he can stay far away from her. We can't move out of town, unfortunately, but if he isn't working at the church I can be with him when he is there (my daughter is very involved and I don't want to pull us out) to make sure they have no contact. But I am fearful that he is unwilling to take full responsibility and thinks I am overreacting to a friendship (he says she is his best friend
) but is doing what he can to appease me and will end up lying and going behind my back again. Any thoughts or support? Help!
