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Not in the beginning, but a year later, when he blindsided me with an e-mail about how I was not good in bed and he needed more, was not willing to settle etc... After that, I felt my self-confidence undermined. He also ruined an Easter Sunday, a very important holy day for me, by demanding sex that morning and then being angry when I asked him simply wait until later in the day. I remember crying a bit in church that day, thinking how could this be, and he totally ignored my distress.
So I guess the answer is that towards the last few months and even before that I did not always feel cherished, but more like I was meeting his adolescent fantasies about me.
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Mmmmm. It was the 'blander sex' comment that really stuck in my craw.
A man who cherishes his wife wouldn't dream of making such insulting assertations.
Like you are a performing seal and he has nothing to do with the quality of the relationship or the SF.
That really reminded me of this couple I have an acquaintanceship with. The H jokingly referred to his wife as 'frigid' at a party in front of all her friends. Funny, right? She's a bad actor usually but she just nodded and laughed along too. She was clearly used to it. I would have had no problem putting all my money on a bet that her H uses porn.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I have come across a number of wives in this situation in real life. Before they get 'blindsided' for not being good-enough performing seals they all tell me their men aren't very good in bed.
They have this seemingly adoring man, who is a bit clueless and ahem, selfish in bed. But you know, they don't care they will overlook it. The love is more important, right? It's because the man in question is rather used to sitting back and watching a woman fake it. They simply don't get the dynamic that it is the woman who is to be pleased, not them. That's why Dr H goes on for pages about female desire.
I sometimes think how unfair these wives must feel that they've overlooked how bad HE is in bed only to then get criticised themselves. But you know it is more important to him, so they will try!
It never occurs to any of them that ban the porn and you will get rid of the contrast effect.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I really think he's been angry about our highschool break up all these years, or he wouldn't always bring the subject up whenever we have issues. Sometimes I really feel that the reason he wanted me so badly was to prove to himself he could finally get me to have sex with him, and then to prove my real love for him, I had to be the sexual partner he wanted, or he wouldn't be happy.
It's so sad.
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BB, are you getting out and doing things you enjoy? What about joining a gym?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I'm having a hard time feeling motivated to do much. It's like I just lost my entire future. Sort of like a death. This is so much worse than losing my first husband.
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I really think he's been angry about our highschool break up all these years, or he wouldn't always bring the subject up whenever we have issues. . Sure he would. It's clearly most effective at controlling you. Controlling you is his thing. Why else would he bring up a problem you can't help with except to make you feel bad? Use logic! Sometimes I really feel that the reason he wanted me so badly was to prove to himself he could finally get me to have sex with him, and then to prove my real love for him, I had to be the sexual partner he wanted, or he wouldn't be happy.
. Yes. Ugh. Performing seal duty did not feature in your vows. It is not what you signed on for.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Men who go to prostitutes and/or view porn to get themselves off!
*No man learned how to give a real woman pleasure from a hooker/porn.
*Men who visit hookers/porn don't 'go there' intending to give a woman pleasure.
*Men who pay for sex have learned dishonesty during the sex act.
*Men who go to hookers/porn do not learn how to kiss properly.
*Hookers/porn do not require a man learn tender foreplay.
*Hookers/porn requires no intimacy.
*Men who go to hookers/porn are self-focused.
*Men who go to hookers/porn are all about the ending, not the process.
*Men who go to hookers/porn do not make love. They ejaculate.
*Men who go to hookers/porn do not know how to make soulful eye contact during lovemaking.
*Men who go to hookers/porn have unrealistic expectations that their wife should look like & perform as if she was a hooker/porn star.
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This, and much more, make them LOUSY in bed.
Men who go to hookers/porn learn to screw, not to make love
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I'm having a hard time feeling motivated to do much. It's like I just lost my entire future. Sort of like a death. This is so much worse than losing my first husband. Real life actions, exercise, sleep, food, anti depressants if necessary and most definitely Plan B. Going back to performing seal duty will NOT help.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I'm having a hard time feeling motivated to do much. It's like I just lost my entire future. Sort of like a death. This is so much worse than losing my first husband. BB, you will be in a much better position to make sound, rational decisions the more detached you are from him. That will take about 2-3 weeks. Can you commit to keeping yourself shut off from him for 3 weeks? I think that will make a world of difference in your outlook and your decision making abilities. After a couple of weeks, you will be amazed at how much better you feel. I know you don't feel motivated to do anything, but this is where you have to push yourself to get out because feelings follow ACTIONS. If you will put aside your emotions [no easy feat] and get out and do something, you will feel better much faster. Can you force yourself to get out and do something?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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It was three weeks for me, BB.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Yes, I can go to the bookstore tomorrow. Today it's raining. But Melody, that also means in three weeks or less, H will be even further detached from me. There will be no hope then. He told me he didn't want to contact because he wanted to work on things - that means he wants to work on moving on. I know him -- he's done this before.
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Yes, I can go to the bookstore tomorrow. Today it's raining. But Melody, that also means in three weeks or less, H will be even further detached from me. There will be no hope then. He told me he didn't want to contact because he wanted to work on things - that means he wants to work on moving on. I know him -- he's done this before. Are you saying he is a hopeless case? I don't think so personally, but if he is, then shouldn't you concentrate on something else? On you?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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So what are you doing today?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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just reading and listening to Pandora on the computer. Drinking tea. I put away his picture and the picture of us together when we first reconnected. I'm going to go stay with my mom for a few days tomorrow and visit with my cousin. I can't be alone too much because I just think and think.
thanks Indie, Melody, Just, grace and everyone here for your thoughts and concerns. You are all very good people. I'll update in a week or so -- there are others here who need you and while I'm sad and scared I know that this too shall pass.
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Remember to go and find some fun active activities that will bring you some enjoyment. Exercise is very good for you at any time but particularly when you are feeling depressed. It's hard to overcome the inertia but I can promise you that when you get out there for a brisk walk or a stint in the gym or sign up for a dance class, you really will feel better.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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just reading and listening to Pandora on the computer. Drinking tea. I put away his picture and the picture of us together when we first reconnected. I'm going to go stay with my mom for a few days tomorrow and visit with my cousin. I can't be alone too much because I just think and think. That is a marvellous plan.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Yes, I can go to the bookstore tomorrow. Today it's raining. But Melody, that also means in three weeks or less, H will be even further detached from me. There will be no hope then. He told me he didn't want to contact because he wanted to work on things - that means he wants to work on moving on. I know him -- he's done this before. I think he is already checked out of the relationship. That is where you need to get so you can employ better judgement about your decisions. If he has decided he is " moving on" then detachment is in your best interest. You shouldn't even consider taking him back unless he comes to you on bended knee and commits to your conditions.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I don't think it will happen Melody. We went through a similar scenario about a year ago to the day. When a man is done, he's done - I read that on this site somewhere. He thinks I can't cut it sexually for him and so he will move on to someone who will.
Now how do I move on, that's my big worry.
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I don't think it will happen Melody. We went through a similar scenario about a year ago to the day. When a man is done, he's done - I read that on this site somewhere. He thinks I can't cut it sexually for him and so he will move on to someone who will.
Now how do I move on, that's my big worry. Use Dr. Harley's Plan B.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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