I will emphasis this one more time.

She has very valid concerns. It is up to you to identify specifically what her complaints are never do them again.

Buy LB's. Buy HNHN's. Those 2 books will help you identify and solve the problems that have been plaguing your M for years.

You must create a NEW marriage for you both to be happy.

A great movie to watch (It is emotionally upsetting) is Random Hearts, starring Harrison Ford.
The compartmentalization, or secret second lives of cheaters is amazing. My wife said she was visiting a counselor. My sister in law told me months later that she learned the "counselor" was really the OM! (who was never a counselor, it was just a cover story)
The movie shows how the secret second life operates.

Totally your call. My perspective is from someone just over 2 years into R. Only you know what you are capable of handling.

To think about taking on ANYTHING else during this time (for me) would not be an option. We have removed ALL distractions in our life that we have control over and put our total emphasis on our R.

I'm telling you friend, R is the most difficult endeavor of my life. It will take ALL your energy and focus you can muster to be successful.

Not trying to be a pessimist but has your WW agreed to reconcile and sent out a NC letter? Why are we talking about recovery when the affair isn't dead yet? Is there something I missed? Personally I would go after who ever put you in that messed up position. Think someone said take them to the cleaners, that is what needs to be done. Also, has your WW have your DD around POSOM? Why isn't your DD home with you? I think your being buttered up by her to throw you off your game.

Do you have snooping in place? I know about a GPS but how about a PI? Do you have access to her email? Phone records?

I have identified the problems I have contributed to my mrriage and I have actualy owned up all of them to her and and continue to show her empathy on why she would feel that way. I have addressed all of them and she has told me how fantastic of a man I have become, now this was said prior to me exposing the Affair. She did ask me if I heard anything about restraining order from OM. She seems worried about me gettng this and told me it will just be more to worry about. I simply told her I will cross that bridge when it comes. She worrys about my job, I'm sure she doesn't want me unemployed and I'm sure thats an EN of hers, its not a top 5 but it one of them.

No they do not. This is not true at all. Dr. Harley has addressed this issue many times.

Most women need to be in love or very connected to a man to have sex with him. Casual sex does occur yes, but most definitely NOT the rule. It is the exception.

My guess is no. She is still weighing her options. I suspect that if he keeps going down the path that he is going, within a few weeks they will start to talk about R.

I don't think she is there yet. In my situation, it took 9 months after d-day with many, many ups and downs for us to get to the point where we actually started R.

I would encourage him to let her know that he is willing to spend time with her ONLY if she has zero contact with OM until they figure this thing out. That is a reasonable condition.

I wouldn't discuss OM restraining order with her at all. Sounds liek she is milking you for information and feeding it to him. You are at war and as long as your wife is in affair she is a threat to your marriage and lifestyle. She cannot be trusted. When she brings stuff like this up just refer her to your lawyer. She is going into wayward panic mode. Meaning she is losing both cakesshe is accustomed to eating. So she is focusing you because she is scared of losing you. Soon when she had her fill she will focus on OM. Waywards are selfish by nature because their end game is all bout themselves. Plan A is being the best husband you can be and your doing that. I hope your not confusing empathy with sympathy.

She has not agreed to Reconciling and no N/C letter. She poked her head out. I know her email and there has been nothing, She may use her work email, her phone is through her mother now, so I do not have access and that would be illegal to gain access. I could hire a PI to confirm what I already know. I've exposed everything and there not much left to do with the Affair but let it die.

The false accusation and imprisonment will haunt you for the rest of your life unless you get it cleared through the system.

The longer you wait to address it, the more credibility you lose.


Plan A is also about protecting yourself.

Its defiently being addressed.

I'm kind of laughing, I just spent 5 days in hell, I believe I can handle a lawsuit and having my ex face some charges, criminaly and departmentaly

Do you have any keylogger or cell phone spyware installed yet?

I know she is not living at home, but will she ever use your home computer if she stops by again? Get a keylogger installed on that preemtively to catch her username and passwords if she does. It's a lot cheaper than the real time GPS unit you picked up and can really give you some truthful facts after you cut through the fog babble.

Can you try to arrange to do Some activity with your SS? How about going to a baseball game or hockey game?

A question for the vets:
When would it possibly be appropriate to utilize the EN Questionnaire to discover W's most important needs?

What are the top 3 if he doesn't get to use the EN questionnaire that Dr. Harley recommends?

How much Plan A does WD do daily without it becoming Cake and Plan Doormat?

I see potential here, but WW needs to get on board and that will not be serious until a NC decision is made and enforced.

And Yes, i would use my own emotional energy to fight the Ex-W for her part ingettting WD institutionalized.

WD, have you met with that attorney referral yet to discover what recourse you have?

If you EVER speak with the Ex-W EVER again, make sure those conversations are recorded, but i would find stricter ways of totally Plan B'ing her.

LTL

My wife has cut me off from SF, so I have to take this as a sign for the good. She even praised me about it last night when we talked on the phone.

No, that is essentially plan B.
In Plan A, Dr. Harley explains that the wayward will vacillate back and forth between the husband and her lover.

There is one more thing you can do: You can post evidence of the affair online.
OM is probably telling people you exposed to that "he's just crazy, there is no affair etc."
Show the truth.

No, it is not plan b. Making this statement to her shows that he is not going to be a doormat and allow her to be a cake eater.

'Vacillate' can take many forms. It does not always mean they are in contact or seeing the OM or OW.

These are great questions and these are questions that I hope a vet can break down so I can put an even better plan in place. I did call the wife this morning and she returned my call. I just told her to have a great day at work, and she sent me a pic of her blue toes lastnight, I told her they looked great and I called her smurfet, she laughed. I'm not sure how much I should be texting her etc...or should I wait for her to call or text?

I have to go slow with SS he has some anxiety issues that take a great toll on everyone, so going to a game would be great he is just freaked out about this kind of stuff. I have to get them back into the house and work on him from here.

I do have a key logger on the computer her at home, I did get one of her passwords for her email.

I truly believe my wifes number 1 need is Affirmation/gratitude. If I do something nice for her she will thank me 10 times. She actually told me that this is her number one EN. So I know to let her know how beautiful, smart, great mother, hard worker and I thank her for a lot of things now.

I know her second one is acts of sevice, s has told me its sexy to see a man vacuming and to vacum lines in the carpet.

next is quality time together, even if it was like yesterday, me making her the priority and pampering her.

Conversation is another one, I remember how we use to just lay around talking about anything and everything.

She does like SF, we use to do it alot and we were pretty adventurous with it.

I have an appointment with a good attorney Monday.

Vacillate could be what they are doing in their mind???

In the book Surviving an Affair, Dr. Harley explains that Jon knew Sue was still having her affair with Greg. But Jon was NEVER encouraged to tell Sue that he wont spend time with her unless she stops all contact with Greg.

That is Plan A and what you are encouraging is not Plan A (telling the ww that bh will only spend time with her if she ends all contact with OM).

He should be insisting on recovery and showing a path of recovery: ie "I am willing to work with you to create a loving marriage where both of our needs are met but you must first end your affair"

The fact is, every time the affair is discussed it withdraws love bank units. So let him give her massages, and talk about her nails, etc and make love bank deposits through conversation.

EDIT: As for the doormat and cake eater comment. I agree. She is a cake eater and every wayward is. And EVERY man in Plan A is treated and feels like a doormat. Because every victim of infidelity has been used like a doormat