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KerryM Offline OP
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Hi,

I am glad to have found this program. I have some work to do.

I intend to use the resources here to help restore love and respect in our marriage...even if that means respectfully parting ways. I say it this way b/c I want to protect love and respect more than I want to protect the marriage itself.

I have read the basic concepts as well as "making a plan". My biggest concern - if the program becomes too complicated, I will not stick with it. I don't mind buying/reading books, but it is going to be super important to keep it simple.

Our problems include time issues, disrespectful communication/judgements, trust (no affairs that I'm aware of), porn use, etc. I imagine that I will share more sitch info as I get into applying the steps.

I plan to create a binder with forms/notes/highlights of the program. Are all the forms online, or do I need a book or multiple books?

Again, please know that I want to support Dr. H's efforts, I just know myself and know that I will fall apart from info overload (like many, I've read tons of books).

Thanks for any tips on getting started and keeping it simple!

Kerry

me: 48
him: 49
married 13 yrs
no kids

Last edited by KerryM; 04/10/14 12:52 AM.
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The program is what you read here on this site, but Dr. Harley's books also help in understanding. His radio show does, too, and that's free!

This program is about changing habits from ones that are bad for a marriage to ones that are good for it. You mention you want to protect love and respect even above marriage, so the way I understand you is that you don't want a marriage at all cost, and that's good because neither spouse is to sacrifice for the other in this program.

However, you can follow this program, download the questionnaires, and have a notebook, and get nowhere if your spouse isn't onboard. Is your spouse in agreement your marriage needs work? Do you engage in any disrespect and what are called Lovebusters yourself?


xFWW(me)-48
Married-14 years
D-Day~23-May-11
NC- 14-Apr-11
1 DS 15
Online course July '11 to July '12
17 sessions with S. Harley Feb '12 to Sep '12
Divorced Jan 21, 2013
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KerryM Offline OP
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Hi LL,

I am sure that I've engaged in LBs and disrespectful judgments. As soon as I read Dr. H's info, I began changing that.

My husband tends to follow my example, so when my language/attitude changes, so does his. We have done nothing together, however, as far as outside help for our marriage. I have gone to therapists on and off and have read countless books.

A big part of how I want to use this program is to help determine if he is truly a willing participant in this marriage and whether to stay or end it. I have read on the message boards that the program can be used to make that determination.

I have lost touch with my own needs, so I want to rediscover those here too.

Good observation, LL, about whether he's on board. I think time will tell...

-K

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KerryM Offline OP
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p.s. I will certainly be reaching out for help on specific issues as needed. Right now, I am setting myself up to create a successful outcome by getting a handle on how to structure this for me/us and get started applying the tools (key being applying, of course).

I will approach my husband with the program when I have a better sense of it all.

Again, thanks for any input on getting started without getting overwhelmed! smile

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Welcome to MB.

Does your DH still watch porn? How much UA time do you get?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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MB is written so that a couple can create a loving, romantic, passionate, and safe marriage in a specific and logical way. Dr. Harley said that because most men don't like to read, he made sure his materials were easy to get through for men, as well as for women.

When we first showed up (we did the online program) we were told to complete the Marital Problems Analysis. Here

You and your H would start by looking at the results of the questionnaire and addressing each problem one by one. There are worksheets for every LB and EN in the book Five Steps to Romantic Love.

We read lots of marriage books over the years and attended MC for months and months, but nothing changed our marriage for the better like MB.

Dr. Harley recommends working on eliminating the love busters first.

The foundation of MB is the Policy of Joint Agreement and Policy of Radical Honesty. Additionally, Dr. Harley recommends 15 hours of UA time every single week, without children or other people. These 15 hours are to be the most enjoyable hours of your week.

The radio show is free and very good. Click Rebroadcast Here to listen to the show with your H.


Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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KerryM Offline OP
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Hi LongWay,

Thanks. That info is super helpful.

I just spent some time sorting through all the materials. Getting a sense of the "big picture" of the program really makes it easier for me to dive into the parts. Your message is helpful in that process.

I want to create success here, and a positive outcome (even if that means an outcome we don't particularly like).


Warmly,
-K

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Kerry, I had to chuckle when I read your first post because I can so relate! In order for me to stick with something, it must be clear, simple and most of all, EFFECTIVE! I must see results from from my efforts. I predict you will like this program because it generates results rather quickly while the steps make logical sense. Dr Harley has an engineer's mind so his steps are designed for precision. There is no fluff in this program.

One of the most impactful steps will be the policy of undivided attention. If you can commit to that step, you will see fast results. The program does not work without that step. Go check it out here http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_attn.html


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: KerryM
Hi LongWay,

Thanks. That info is super helpful.

I just spent some time sorting through all the materials. Getting a sense of the "big picture" of the program really makes it easier for me to dive into the parts. Your message is helpful in that process.

I want to create success here, and a positive outcome (even if that means an outcome we don't particularly like).


Warmly,
-K


What do you mean by the last sentence? A successful outcome will be an outcome that you will both like.

My H, who used to be very much like your H, loves our new marriage. He sometimes is very very sad that he wasted so many years being, as he calls himself, a jerk. We both LOVE the outcome and are so grateful. Yet it wouldn't take very much to destroy it all either. A couple of days of love busters is all. That's why the new habits are so important.

But first, read read read here and work on a step at a time. Figure out what your own love busters are and eliminate them.


Married 1980
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Originally Posted By: BrainHurts
Welcome to MB.

Does your DH still watch porn? How much UA time do you get?

Did you not see my questions?

Please read.
The Critical Importance of Undivided Attention


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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KerryM Offline OP
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Hi Melody!

So glad you dropped in!

I started increasing UA almost immediately after reading the basics my first time to this site. It definitely had a positive impact.

I'm just getting organized and want to take small, steady steps. I've done it the other way (dive in too quickly) and that doesnt work for me. This post is a way for myself out of my own head a bit. My hub is an engineer, so Dr. H's approach should resonate. And, no fluff...I like that. smile

When I need support on specific issues, I will reach out here.


Thanks!
-K

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KerryM Offline OP
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Hi Brain,

I did see your reply. Thanks for the info on UA.

I am not going to get into any of the emotional details right now. This post is about getting set up and understanding the program srructure. As I need support on specific issues, I will reach out.

Cheers,
-K

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Kerry, I will tell you how I think you will get the greatest results in the least amount of time:

1. Start by scheduling your UA time every week. Time that is not scheduled is too easy to put off. If you can get into this habit very soon, the rest of the program will come so much easier. Go download the UA worksheet in the questionnaires section.

2. Start with the book lovebusters and do the lessons at the end of each chapter. One suggestion is to get 2 books, one for you and one for him and read the same chapters every night. You can each use a different color highlighter and highlight the things that stand out to you.

The reason it is a good idea to start here is because you will want to eliminate lovebusters ASAP so your good work is not negated by lovebusters.

3. The next book to use is His Needs, Her Needs. Do the same thing you did above, go through the chapters and do the lessons.

4. Another great aide is the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love. It has the worksheets in it but more importantly, it has really good lessons that will help you along.

To help your understanding through all of this, you can supplement with the free radio show and/or the His Needs, Her Needs DVD.

IMO, the above plan will give you good, fast results and that is always a good motivator.

I hope that is not too much information. I like things broken down in parts so that is what I have tried to do for you. More than anything, I think I learned more from the radio show. It helped me give context to everything I read here.

And be sure and ask as many questions along the way!! We will be glad to help.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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KerryM Offline OP
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Thanks Melody and everyone,

I feel asthough I have gotten what I asked for from this thread.

Now it is time to do some applying (UA) and more reading and digesting.

-K

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Originally Posted By: KerryM
Thanks Melody and everyone,

I feel asthough I have gotten what I asked for from this thread.

Now it is time to do some applying (UA) and more reading and digesting.

-K


Good deal! Here is the worksheet. laugh undivided attention worksheet


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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KerryM Offline OP
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Got the worksheet. Thanks Melody!

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KerryM Offline OP
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Melody and gang,

I've read on this forum that the MB program is a good way to determine if one's spouse is truly committed to doing some work at the marriage. Would you say that the steps you (Melody) suggest above are the way to go if that is the intention?

It makes sense that the same basic approach to build love would bring that truth to the surface. I just want to know if there's anything in addition or different to keep an eye out for when bringing that truth to the surface is part of the intention.

I find myself feeling unsure about how to introduce MB and I feel like I "should" do the initial reading/legwork.

Thanks,
-K

Last edited by KerryM; 04/12/14 05:38 AM.
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If you have removed your Lovebusters and are focussing on the top four emotional needs during your UA time, you also make it known to him what you need. As Dr. Harley points out, the UA time is the canvas and what you two do during that time is the painting. The usual top needs are recreation and sexual fulfillment for the man and affection and intimate conversation for the woman.

I get the impression that your husband hasn't shown much consideration of your feelings or else you wouldn't be so concerned about commitment.

How have your previous attempts at a better marriage been received by him?

What are your complaints? What are his complaints? Have you read the books "Lovebusters" and "His needs, her needs?"

Also, BrainHurt's question is very important. If porn is still an issue, your attempts will not be successful. If porn is still present in your marriage, that's the first step: for him to stop it, even if that means he can only get on the computer when you're with him and what other precautions you can take to make it impossible for him to view porn. That's Dr. Harley's observation and advice.


Last edited by LifetimeLearner; 04/12/14 07:04 AM. Reason: Added a thought

xFWW(me)-48
Married-14 years
D-Day~23-May-11
NC- 14-Apr-11
1 DS 15
Online course July '11 to July '12
17 sessions with S. Harley Feb '12 to Sep '12
Divorced Jan 21, 2013
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Originally Posted By: KerryM

I've read on this forum that the MB program is a good way to determine if one's spouse is truly committed to doing some work at the marriage. Would you say that the steps you (Melody) suggest above are the way to go if that is the intention?


Most couples that show up here have one reluctant spouse so I am just assuming he is not committed at all. It will be your mission to persuade him to try it out!

What is his reaction to this program?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: LifetimeLearner
Also, BrainHurt's question is very important. If porn is still an issue, your attempts will not be successful. If porn is still present in your marriage, that's the first step: for him to stop it, even if that means he can only get on the computer when you're with him and what other precautions you can take to make it impossible for him to view porn. That's Dr. Harley's observation and advice


KerryM,

I really wish you would answer our questions if you truly want help. We can only help you if you are honest and give us all the answers to our questions. When you're holding back you're only hindering your own marriage.

Dr. Harley has lots of material on the damage porn has on relationships.

Is your H still viewing porn?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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