I like that, what a positive that she is in such a great place

Dr. Harley would probably advise you to have no direct contact with your ex husband.

I have been working on getting to that point, and have made a lot of progress! In the fall there are two parent weekends, and B and I are each going to a different one.

You need to just end all direct contact with him

Jedi, I'm glad I have aplace like this I could keep coming to. We got some bad advice from a family counselor we went to when our OD was struggling a few years ago. Back then, she had said it was a good thing for our kids that we still had family dinners, went on family trips, and spent holidays as a family. In our extended family, there are a number of situations like that. So I can see up close the downsides to continued contact. None of the folks left a current partner for a previous one, but it keeps folks talking about and justifying old decisions.

And definitely at times it is can bad example for the kids, justifying stuff to them and in front of them to keep the peace and try to make awkward situations less awkward. I would like my kids to know you can be reconciled to someone and have forgiveness on both sides without having direct contact in the present.

I wanted to share, I met someone really special on Christian Mingle, and we just celebrated 3 months dating yesterday

That's great!
Just to recap, have you read Buyers Renters Freeloaders?
What is his prior relationship histories?
ALSO....save yourself the prior agony you experienced and do NOT sleep or move in together. Take it slow!

Jedi, good idea, I'll reread Buyers Renters and Freeloaders. I read it at first trying to convert my Renter to a Buyer back in the day, desperately trying to pretend the man was Buyer material.

My new guy has been married once, divorced in late 2010 like I did, with a 5 year old son. He said his wife divorced him because she never really left the nest, and she moved back home when their son was around 6 months old and filed later that year. He had a girlfriend after the divorce, but they broke up because she wanted to get married after 1 year, because she was 36 and wanted a baby, but he wanted to wait another year.

The cow already left the barn on sleeping together, but he and I are on the same page about not moving in together before getting married. I've been reading heret about making sure that you have lots of interests in common outside of that, though, and we have lots of dates that don't include that. He'd very much like another child one day, and I would be open to that too.

Does he know about MB? Have you talked with his ex-wife?

Hi NewEveryDay, that's great news, and I'm really happy for you!

I hadn't ready your thread before, and just caught up. Wow, you've been through a lot in the last few years. I remember asking you for relationship advice a couple years ago, and I really appreciated your input. I apologize for not familiarizing myself with your thread at the time, and I can see now, it was about the same time you were dealing with the loss of your father. I was sad to hear that.

Reading between the lines a bit in your latest posts, I assume the 3-month mark is 3 months of exclusive dating? Since I just finished reading your thread, I couldn't help but recall these posts from earlier this year:

I'm not trying to "bust your chops," just wondering if your perspective on any of that has changed since then.

Since this guy is someone really special to you, and there's been communication about children in the future and not living together before marriage, it sounds like your relationship is progressing fairly quickly. (Which is not necessarily a bad thing at all. ) Does it feel quick to you?

Have you had any disagreements or misunderstandings that you've had to work through?

Sounds like you're on to something good, and I hope it keeps going!

Brainy, I haven't mentioned MB specifically yet, but I have all the books on my bookshelf. He's an avid reader so I think the best way to share would be to lend him my books if and when it gets serious, it should spark some good discussions. Especially HNHN for Parents. I don't remember if it talks about blending families.

Any guidelines on when to talk with his ex-wife? I found her on Facebook a while back. They do the parallel parenting and have a very strained relationship. Is it weird that being here as long as I have, I strongly believe their best chance at happiness would be to reconcile with one another instead? They don't have an obstacle to recovery like B and I did.

Speaking about Facebook, I never did hear back from my brother's baby momma. I'm grateful I got to email with Dr. H, after a few weeks it helped me settle down that What-If feeling.

KL, how's married life? Is it okay to ask if you two are planning kids? One of my closest friends is 41 and her H of 3 years just celebrated his 70th birthday, and they are very happy together. She would love a baby but totally understands that he doesn't want to take on such a big responsibility, he's looking forward to retiring.

Don't worry about not having read up on my situation at the time, I'm glad time has let it fade.

Yes, 3 months of dating, and two months we've been exclusive. He was head and shoulders over the other guys I was talking to, so I did let it drop with the other guys, and got off the online dating site.

Late April was kinda early to go back to online dating, too! I had gotten back dating my XH, when of course that would have just ended up a horrible mess. And then found out my ex fiancee was already engaged. So I thought that contrast effect from the online dating site would really help me detach from those situations. And it did. I went to an IC, too, for a few sessions, to help me redirect myself. This article helped me too Should I Remarry My Ex-Spouse? If Not, How Can I Just Let Go?

He's met my kids, some of my brothers, and my friends, but not the whole family yet. I know what they're looking for though and they like what they hear so far.

Yes it feels quick! We haven't had anything to work through yet, we're still just meeting for dates, so it's not hard to agree on that

I would contact the ex wife now, since you are already sleeping with him. Have a list of questions for her, such as:

What were your main complaints while married to him?
Did he ever cheat on you?
What are his most annoying habits?
Does he have angry outbursts, etc....

You seem to jump into relationships fast NED. Dr. Harley would have advised against sex because it bonds you to him more emotionally.

Oh wow Jedi that sounds kinda soon to contact his xw. Wouldn't that be more like before deciding to get engaged down the line? I like those questions, I'll be meeting his mom soon, and I assume we would hit it off well, these are things I could ask her in the meantime, right?

I know I jump into stuff. It's the most incredible feeling falling in love. I deeply respect and admire folks who wait until they get married for SF. It's not easy to hold out when your partner is willing and you're feeling such a strong attraction. I'm keeping my eyes out for red flags and if I run into any I can still jump back out.

Talking with his ex, I think I read somewhere that Dr. Harley recommends it, but it seems it would work better in a situation where the two ex's have put the past behind them, the way you and your ex appear to have done. If he and his ex have "a very strained relationship," then she may welcome opportunities to hurt him, and she could do this by stretching the truth or outright lying if you asked for her perspective on their marriage.

Married life is... amazing... amazing how good it can be married to someone with a high degree of compatibility. Most days, I can't wait to finish work and get home to spend time with my wife. Yeah, 70 is kind of late to start a family, and, of COURSE it's ok to ask. At this point, my wife doesn't want any kids, but if she changes her mind, I'd be 100% on board (in enthusiastic agreement, in MB terms ). We have 4 dogs, 2 cats, and a horse, so that's kind of our family; not quite as demanding as infants, but it seems like there's always someone throwing up somewhere! My son also lives with us while finishing college.

You dated your XH? What??!? If that was in your thread somewhere, I missed it. That's hard to imagine; although the "Should I remarry my ex-spouse" article was interesting -- I hadn't seen that before -- so I guess anything's possible!

Getting good feedback from family members is nice. When he meets your mom, let us know what she thinks! Ditto for when you hit your first disagreement.

KL I think hadn't mentioned it here that I went out again with my xh because I already knew I was nuts. My thought was man it would be awesome to live with my kids all the time again! But he's much more of a freeloader now even than before, and thinks if it requires work then it wasn't meant to be. At least I was willing to take him at his word when he told me this time.

Dogs, cats and a horse sound like a wonderful family! And it's so much easier to travel and stuff together, especially with your son there.

I'll definitely let you know what my mom thinks. I was re-reading Buyers Renters and Freeloaders last night, and got through the chapters on each of the types. I thought it was really interesting that Joyce continued to date even while they were engaged. There's this huge lack of the big fears that folks have today. When I'm done reading the book I'm going to share it with my guy and talk about all these ideas.

I did the same with my, at the time, girlfriend. I asked if she'd want to take the quiz at the end of the book before reading and possibly being biased by it. She did and was a Buyer on 19 out of 20 or something like that questions.

Good luck! I'm excited for you!

Wow NED, I didn't know you dated your XH. Is he in a program for his alcoholism?

KL that's awesome that your wife is such a keeper And so cool that you came back to check in on us here.

No Brainy, he doesn't think he has a problem. Which was why wishful thinking was so inappropriate. When he's sober he so much resembles the man I had fallen in love with way back when. But the more time I spent with him the more I saw he was still out of control.

Dr. Harley often encourages people to do this on his Radio Show.
Obviously, if the couple divorced there is probably no enthusiastic endorsement of the ex spouse and Dr. Harley fully recognizes this.
But you have NOTHING to lose by contacting his ex. You can only stand to gain

Absolutely. Dr Harley assumes that most relationships that have ended are not amicable and there will not be an enthusiastic endorsement of the former spouse/boyfriend. The goal is to gain insight into that person and even though the information might be critical, it is still helpful. Our critics can sometimes have the best insight on our shortcomings.