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I was recently introduced to this website by a friend that counseled with someone from here in the past. I just purchased the book His Needs, Her Needs and wish I had this early in my marriage. My past is one that involved an affair on my part as I lost connection with my husband over the years. We are divorced now. He is very bitter and cannot wait for our children to find out the truth so they will hate me as much as he does, in his words. My friend has told his children what the mother had done, in simple terms for their ages saying it was their life too and they should know the truth. I have given this some thought and feel there would be much more respect down the road if I approached the issue myself, truthfully, to my children and explain how that was a very wrong thing to do. They have asked why we divorced and I always say it was adult stuff. I have a 12 1/2 yr old boy and a 10 yr old girl and both are very sharp kiddos. I would like some guidance on this. Being the guilty one in things, I am not sure how to speak of my wrong-doing. Open-minded adults can comprehend, but kiddos may have a more difficult time getting it.
Any insight or direction to a helpful source would be appreciated
Thanks!!
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Hi Newstart. It is very, very confusing to children when they are given false explanations for the source of tension in their lives. They very often blame themselves for the problems when the "explanations" make no sense. When they eventually find out they were lied to, they learn that dishonesty is acceptable. Kids can deal with the truth, they can't deal with lies. Dr. Harley on telling the children: The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.
An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults. Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
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A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what.
When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery. The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight. Q. How honest should I be about the A? (they are 7 and under)
A. Tell your children as much as you can about their father's affair, and how it affects you. There are some counselors and lawyers that strongly disagree with me on this issue, but I have maintained that position for over 35 years without any evidence that children are hurt by it. They're hurt by the affair, not by accurate information regarding the affair. Just make sure that you don't combine accurate information with disrespectful judgments. For example, you can say that the OW has taken their father away from you, but you should not say that she is home-wrecker (or worse). My basic approach to life is that radical honesty is valuable on many different dimensions. It keeps us out of trouble, it helps others understand us, and it helps others avoid the same mistakes we have made. Letting your children know the details of your husband's affair would help them in all three areas.
The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.
The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery (by the way, you are doing very well -- keep up the good work!).
Being radically honest about your husband's affair with your children would also help them avoid affairs themselves. How it happened and how could it have been prevented is a great object lesson for children. I learned that I was vulnerable for an affair when I learned about my grandfather's affairs. The extraordinary precautions I've taken were directly related to what I learned about him.
It's the approach I've always taken, and while it's difficult, especially for the WS, there's much more upside to it than downside.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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NewStart128,
Hello. I am glad to see that you have found MarriageBuilders. You will get fantastic advice and guidance. There are some very knowledgable people here that have a lot of experience helping on this forum.
I am please to see that you are in agreement that the children should have been told. How they are told is important, but it is important that they be told. Since they have been told, and if you are ready to be honest without excuses, you should talk to them about why what you did is wrong.
You will learn here that there are a lot of reasons for bad behavior, and reasons for having an affair, but there are not excuses for said behavior.
I know some vets will be along shortly to give you some advice. Have you searched the forums for "telling the children?" Also, up top, in the red bar, under articles - there should be an article on telling the children. There may even be something under the Q & A Columns.
I hope you find the help and answers that you need.
BS Me 47,WH 49
DS's x3 17, 10, 7
Multiple D-Days
No disclosure by WH. No EP's, no transparency, no guilt or remorse either.
Plan C DOES NOT WORK!
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I was recently introduced to this website by a friend that counseled with someone from here in the past. I just purchased the book His Needs, Her Needs and wish I had this early in my marriage. My past is one that involved an affair on my part as I lost connection with my husband over the years. We are divorced now. He is very bitter and cannot wait for our children to find out the truth so they will hate me as much as he does, in his words. My friend has told his children what the mother had done, in simple terms for their ages saying it was their life too and they should know the truth. I have given this some thought and feel there would be much more respect down the road if I approached the issue myself, truthfully, to my children and explain how that was a very wrong thing to do. They have asked why we divorced and I always say it was adult stuff. I have a 12 1/2 yr old boy and a 10 yr old girl and both are very sharp kiddos. I would like some guidance on this. Being the guilty one in things, I am not sure how to speak of my wrong-doing. Open-minded adults can comprehend, but kiddos may have a more difficult time getting it.
Any insight or direction to a helpful source would be appreciated
Thanks!! They have a difficult time understanding "adult stuff" answers. My children knew why we divorced when they were as young as 5.
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NewStart,
As an added bonus your BH might gain respect for you, since in a sense not only are you lying to your children but he is too. I can't say this will lead to a reconciliation but it can't hurt.
In my experience children see or hear something and suspect something but are unsure what it is, but in the end somehow blame themselves for the divorce. Did your children ever meet the OM?
God Bless
Gamma
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My son was 4 and my step son was 10 when I exposed my WW's affair. To say its adult stuff and kids wouldn't understand is very disrepectful. What should be said is "I am ashamed of my behavior so I am lying to my children to protect my image and escape consequences." Kids know something is wrong waaaaaay before adults. They have less distractions in their lives and are very sensitive to moods and changes in their lives. Most times they don't know how to express how they feel out of fear of reprisal. Tell your children what you done and tell them the truth.
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I have only had half a day experience here and as a quick reply to this, I am so thankful for you all in the info you have shared thus far. I will be back later today to respond more.
Thank you!
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My past is one that involved an affair on my part as I lost connection with my husband over the years. We are divorced now. He is very bitter and cannot wait for our children to find out the truth so they will hate me as much as he does, in his words. I hope you do not tell your children that you had an affair because you "lost connection" with your H. You should tell them it was wrong.
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Yes I applaud your plan to be honest but like Susie I'm apprehensive this is a spin job. It will be enormously tempting to you to make excuses where none should be made. There's only one reason why people have affairs and that's poor boundaries with the AP. You could have lost every connection with your H but that doesn't explain the new connection you made with the OM.
People have affairs because they think they won't. Thinking they won't, they get too close to someone else. Then they start lying about their whereabouts and doings at key points where the truth would save them. That's a conscious decision made all on their own.
Tell your children bare facts, apologise and encourage them to speak to their father about it.
If they ask you why tell them that sometimes grown ups do the wrong thing.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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We are divorced now. He is very bitter and cannot wait for our children to find out the truth so they will hate me as much as he does, in his words. In addition to the child issue, I sure hope that you will read and learn from Dr Harley's teachings on infidelity. You can start with his infidelity video. From my perspective, you don't seem very sympathetic to what your BH has been put through. Your affair was likely by far the WORST thing that has ever happened to your H, and not only did he have to suffer through just the affair but also his family being destroyed by it, resulting in D. By learning here, then you will be much more likely to avoid repeating this behavior into the future.
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You'll probably just confirm their suspicions rather than shock them. Most waywards are so wrapped up in their affair they don't even realize their children suspect something. I remember when my mom told me. My response? Well duh, I'm not an idiot.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Thanks again everyone!
I think the first thing I need to do is figure out the acronyms that everyone uses on here so I can follow you better. But I think I understand your meanings, even though.
My background consists of growing up in a single parent home as well. Promising myself I would never end up that way for the reasons they did - affair. Here I sit, in the same boat. One thing I respect my mom for was never saying anything bad that I recall about my dad. I got myself in this place, so now I do my best to be as my mom was. My situation started about 6 yrs ago. Came to light 1 1/2 yrs into the affair (unbelievable and horrific when I am out of that and look back). We tried to counsel through it but his triggers were too great to overcome, which I can understand. We separated for good after over a year over trying and divorced after another year (2012).
You are right, it was the most devastating experience of his life. I don't expect him to like me. I completely own my actions. At the exposure moment, I instantly had no interest in the other guy. It seems odd and different from the other stories I have read, where they missed the other and snuck back etc... I had no desire.
I don't plan to say it was his fault or anything to that fact. I don't need excuses, I just want to clean up things. Being honest and truthful is how I want to live going forward. I sense maybe my ex has mentioned something to my son at least in some sort of way. It is like there is still one more secret to clear up and then I can move forward after telling the kids.
I watch my daughter suffer with tears of sadness when she cries at bedtime without an answer why. I know...she misses the one of us that isn't with her. That is hugely from my actions and it is painful.
Reading the book and only a couple chapters in, I know I am going to live out that in my next relationship. Seems that is the only way to have a fulfilling one. The person who enlightened me to this was from a marriage where she strayed. I imagined that a guy on that side would never have any time to give me after they knew my past. I was up front right away and he still talks to me. I think my sincerity in a change of life for the good is apparent.
I will definitely look into the videos and links/searches on here for guidance on the kiddos. It will be uncomfortable for me but it is necessary.
Thank you!
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New start, the bulk of Dr Harley's comments about telling children are in those quotes above. That encompasses his advice on telling children, other than to be extremely honest about the facts. That would mean telling them the OMs name, how long your affair went on, where it occurred, etc. That is the entirety of his guidance. It is really not any more complicated than that. The hardest part will be telling them. But it is the right thing to do.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You simply tell the kids that moms and dads do not have BF/GF. Well mom/I had a BF and went on dates with OM(insert name.
What I did is known as having an affair, also called cheating.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I have not read anything more than the posts so far. After kids are in bed tonight I will watch and read those.
TheRoad - I like the simple yet open dialect. The kids know who the guy was, martial arts instructor for my son at the time. This should be disclosed as well, I assume? Kids' dad and I told kids this person was a bad guy and not to talk to him anymore, but we never gave any more info. Time to explain why, as I have gotten that question on why he was bad a few times even this past year.
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I am so relieved that you cut contact between the kids and the OM. When kids find out they have trusted such a person, it can be galling and upsetting once they find out that persons role in the downfall of their family.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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