contact with him the day I gave the letter.

Yes, I am working on anger management, as well as dealing with issues of my past in counseling, and how to process other emotions as well.

So you haven't had any contact with him at all for 2 days? What about when he calls your DD?

Or sees your DD? How are you handling that?

There seems to be a double standard at work here. If a man were physically abusing his wife, the board would really get behind the wife and tell her to leave the situation. Just because it's a woman abusing a man doesn't mean it's not real, destructive and horrifying.

I don't think we're helping this poster by minimizing her past actions.

Plan B is the right path for lonely in large part because this poster needs to experience some serious growth to work out her own issues, regardless of what happens to the marriage. As far as I can tell, the marriage is the last thing she needs to be concerned with.

Lonely, you might want to look for a domestic violence shelter in your area. They frequently offer counseling for perpetrators of abuse.

What is working on mean? What are you doing about it?

How can anyone give that advice to lg, when that isn't what's happening?

There isn't any marriage to leave! This couple are separated and if anything the board have tried to make them more so by telling lg not to attempt Plan C. Plan B can hardly be used as a vehicle of abuse.

All anyone has done is encourage her to take Dr H's advice, which does include working on herself.

Neediness, grasping dependence and feeling your spouse 'owes' you, or that you can make them do something is the seed of abuse. Plan C is smack bang in that ball park. Plan B however allows for free will.

Besides all of which, we would never say that anyone, male or female should be exposed indefinitely to an affair or unremorseful wayward. Regardless of what they had done.

There is no excuse and excuses don't cover over the trauma.

Zibbles,

Where do you see that? She talked to Dr. Harley on the radio and we are following his advice. She should be in Plan B like Dr. Harley advises.

I, for one, have pushed her on her anger management just like we would advise an Angry Husband.

If you see something that isn't inline with Dr. Harley's advice you should notify the MODS.

Is that what you are seeing?

I'm not sure what you are seeing. She needs to be in plan b because her husband will not commit to the marriage. That doesn't equate to minimizing abuse.

Dr. Harley doesn't necessarily give men the advice to leave a wife for abuse. Men and women are different, and his advice for them can be very different.

Okay - to try to stop your argument -

I am in anger management, individual counseling, and going to a psychiatrist. I am learning how to calm myself, take steps away from anger, etc.

I realised my abuse and started working on it on my own (not good enough). When he first left, I admitted it and put it out there that I am abusive and want to change. I grew up in an abusive home, and I don't want to be like my mother (a hateful, abusive, bitter person). From what I've been told, most abusers don't come to this realisation, so I'm proud that I got here, and I will keep working to go forward.

H. and I IDEALLY should have had a healing separation a while ago, or something along those lines, as I worked on my abuse, but neither of us thought of that, or really thought of doing anything to work on it.

I am in Plan B for 2 reasons - 1: to work on myself, 2: because H won't commit. (i put my daughter on the doorstep, and let my mother sit there with her while H picks her up).

(as far as phone calls, he calls, I answer and directly hand it to her. he hangs up. end of call)

You know this isn't Plan B, correct? Talking to him is not Plan B.


How are you handling drop off and pick ups? How are you not seeing him?

I don't talk to him. I click "answer" and immediately hand over the phone. No talking. No communication. Where is the talking in that? There is none.

I also just mentioned how he picks up DD. I am not seeing him because I am not there when he gets her.

Nobody here who has been in a true Plan B would do this.

zibbles, have you listened to the radio show in question?

If I don't, my daughter doesn't get to talk to her father, and that's wrong. I'm not doing that to her.

There is no home phone line where you live?

nope - not one that I am allowed to use, anyway (even though it's not me using it)

Huh. Well, I don't know what the solution is. I would advise you to brainstorm and keep doing so until you come up with some solution, because under these circumstances, I do not predict you will experience the emotional distance that Plan B affords.

As an aside, I have a gf that tried to Plan B her ex doing the same thing and, as I predicted, it was not successful.

Good luck.

There's this D. Lawyer near us that drives 3 maserati's (I know, crazy). Today, I was calling some in order to get a free consultation, and find out what percentage I should get now (and if H chooses D). It turns out that I accidentally contacted this guy (H and I always joked that he's the guy to go to). Although I still want reconciliation one day, if H decides to play dirty, he will NEVER be able to use this lawyer, and I will.

LG, you are still being emotionally manipulated by him, because you care what he thinks. That's not a real Plan B.

It would behoove you, if you are serious about Plan B, to cancel your cell phone number, replacing it with a new number exclusively for your daughter, so she can have contact with her Dad without you in the loop.

You must be more careful not to internalize his inducing guilt for events of the past that he has probably run by his OW for input to shape his perspective about your marriage. Don't kid yourself into thinking he's not telling OW everything you say. As long as he's talking to OW, there is no point in telling him anything. He won't let you off the hook until he STOPS letting OW tell him what to think about his marriage.

As for your past abuse of your WH, ask youself: Is he physically scarred from you? Has he lived in fear of your anger, terrorized, intimidated, scared? It sounds as though he's magnifying your past faults to justify his affair.

The less contact you have with WH, the better off you will be.

1- My daughter is to young to answer the phone on her own, and like I said - I do NOT talk to him when he calls (not even to say hi)

2- How am I telling him things if I'm not talking to him? You said there is no point in telling him anything as long as he is talking to OW (which, he more than likely isn't, but that's beside the point).

Yes, some of his views on our marriage are skewed, and the reason they're skewed doesn't matter to me BECAUSE:

3- My past abuse of him: he has at least 2 scars (one that should have had stitches), I gave him a huge lump once, and yes, he was terrified at times. There were some times when he yelled back, and I would make it seem like he was the abuser. There were 2 times that he held me back, and I threw myself on the floor in an attempt to blame him. Gradually, I got less and less abusive, but it wasn't until he left that I started going for individual counseling and anger management. Magnifying my abuse? No, unfortunately, he isn't, I wish he was, though.