It's been 3 weeks since I discovered my husbands hidden camera in the heating vent of my daughters bathroom. Up until that moment I had thought that I had a wonderful marriage and he had been a good step-father. But now my world has been knocked upside down. I went into protective mother mode and I reported him to authorities and he is facing criminal charges. Since then my daughter and I are going to counseling and taking antidepressants and he is living in an efficiency across town. My daughter has just turned 18 and will be graduating high school next month and going away to college in August. I am so hurt and angry that I just don't know if I can ever get past this. He doesn't seem to understand the damage that it has done to us. He seems to think this isn't a big deal. I know that men view issues differently, but my daughter and I are hurting deeply. I don't know if this marriage can, or if it should, be saved?

The marriage probably can't be saved because he is not safe around your daughter. Bravo to you for reporting him!!! I would write Dr. Harley at the mbradio and get his input. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html

You don't have to go on the radio unless you want to. They will answer you via email.

Has he touched her? How long have you been married? We have had cases where men pursued women with young daughters so they could get to the daughters.

Reporting it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I still am second guessing myself for doing that but I knew that I had to do it to protect my daughter.

We've been together for 6 years. He's never touched her (she's confirmed that) and he had just recently started doing it. We were in the process of basement renovations and he had to move heating duct work when he got the "idea" and acted upon it. Evidently he had the video camera in there about 4 times. I don't know why he didn't stop himself from doing this at all. To me 4 times is 4 too many. Why did his conscience allow him do this in the first place?

The problem now is that I love him so much that part of me wants to believe that we can get through this, but another part of me won't ever be able to trust him again.

Your daughter must be horrified to hear that. What does she think about that?

How long have you been married? Does he view porn? Have either of you been married before?

How is your daughter doing?

What were the actually charges? What is his sentence?

What are you going to do now? How long were you married?

If you reconcile, every time a young girl or woman (child, grandchild, friend's daughter, niece, etc.) comes into your house you will have to protect her. In fact, you will have to wonder if he is just using you and your loved ones to satisfy his voyeurism. How will you check the bathroom vents before any young woman uses the bathroom in your home for the rest of your life? This trigger never ends.

If you reconcile, your daughter will have to accept you are sleeping with and loving someone who sexually violated her.
Essentially choosing him and discarding her. Can she live with that? Can you?

Does the person you love actually exist, or do you love a mirage...something you see because you want (or need) to?

While I'll miss her terribly fortunately my daughter will be leaving for college in a few months. It will be good for her. I've already listed the house for sale.

My husband and I have been together for 6 years and I had a happy marriage until this. He's never touched her (she's confirmed that) and it was a recent thing. But I cant grasp why his conscience allowed him to do it in the first place.

What was his conviction?

Will you be divorcing?

What does your DD want you to do?

You are right. And you won't be able to grasp it before the next time either.

Your relationship will never be the same, anyway. You will never be able to respect him the same way.

Be careful about volunteering for something worse - a relationship with someone you can not respect. A relationship that will damage your daughter when she feels you picked her predator over her.

This is not a slip up that he glanced at her cleavage or something. This is a major, intentional, premeditated sexual violation of your daughter.

If I could do one thing different in my life, it would have been to terminate my marriage when my H did something along that line (no camera, 16 year old babysitter). I never respected him the same way again. Being married to someone you don't respect is not a very good ditch to be stuck in.

No matter how much you want the relationship you had before, it never existed and still does not exist. Apparently you didn't know him very well, since you could not have imagined he would have violated your precious daughter.

Does your DD want to see him at all of the family events in her future?

My daughter has not talked about it much until today. She's been to counseling but outside of that she has been bottling her emotions up. Today she finally expressed her anger and I cried along with her. It's only been 3 weeks so it's still pretty fresh in our minds, but I'm glad that she's finally able to express her feelings and anger with me. I'm angry too. He spent a few days in jail and he goes to court later this month. I don't know what to do or say. All my plans for the future have been destroyed by this. Feeling lost, lonely and angry.

You do know you did the right thing, correct?

Has he tried to apologize to your DD and you?

Are you going to file for D?

Have you ever listen to MB radio?

Sorry for your pain and understandable anger.

So you would cut her out of your life for a relationship with a creep who was watching your own daughter?

Ma'am.

You are minimizing his actions. Does this girls DAD know what has happened? Would he step up and protect her if you won't?

I would divorce him. I do not think this marriage should be saved or really can be unless you are willing to live with a man who willfully and repeatedly violated your child...lie to yourself and further hurt your daughter by staying. I don't care how old she is, she is your child and this crosses a HUGE line.

Sorry for your pain and hurt, Unreal. Prayers and hugs to you and your girl.

Can't be saved. He has to be cut from your DD life. She needs you totally on her side.

Also. I would insist that he plead guilty. A trial might mean your DD might have to testify. It could also mean that evidence would have to be presented that would be traumatic for her to see or have others see.

Do what it takes to spare her the trauma of a trial but don't let him off the hook

I'm very sorry that you are going through this. Allthough you are very aware that what he has done is disgraceful, it is only natural that all of the positive feelings from the years you spent with him are not gone instantaneously.

But take a look at what you wrote, it says a great deal about your situation.

1.
You thought that he had been a good stepfather... But he was not!

2.
You say that he has viewed the footage only 4 times...
The thruth is, that this has NOT just begun recently. He has not been a good stepfather, because he was lusting for his stepdaughter who he has known since age ten! A good stepfather would have buried any of those unwanted thoughts and would have repressed them. He has been thinking about your daughter in a bad way for longer than you think. And when the opportunity arose, he contemplated how to hide the camera. That does not "impulsively just happen". He would have carefully planned that, bought the right camera, install it, all the while having the joy of knowing that he would soon see his daughter naked. Then, he had to take it out to look at the footage, select what to look at (well , not brushing her teeth...) and he has MASTURBATED to the images of your naked daughter, the very child he has vowed to protect when he married you!!!
Forget the thought that this "just happened recently on an impulse".
He has probably been watching porn too, to come up with such ideas. Do you even know if he shared with his friends?

3. He doesn't seem to understand the damage that it has done to us. He seems to think this isn't a big deal.
This is most alarming. He very well knows it is a big deal, otherwise he would have just asked your daughter to see her naked and would not have needed to hide it. How far gone should a person be to do such a thing and then say what's the big deal?!

Please think it over, this man is deeply egoistic.

Unreal, the first time a person does something they know is very wrong, they have to fight their conscience and it is a BIG deal. Many times later it isn't a big deal.

I would suggest there is a lot to the story you don't know, whether regarding your daughter or other girls. If I had to bet on it, I'd say there is a lot more to find out.

When my H got the babysitter to show herself to him, he returned home quite disturbed and quiet. When it was revealed, he was then open about what was disturbing him. He spent several months in bitter despair about what he had done.

Unreal, the first time your H did something like that, he thought it was a big deal. It is telling that now he doesn't.

Have you searched her bathroom and bedroom thoroughly to make sure the camera in the duct wasn't just a better angle compared to the camera(s) that might have been already there? Or did your H have access to the scene since this was discovered?