xpbrain, I am sorry this has been hard for you. Plan B is very difficult when you don't have all the holes plugged. Once you do that, you will find yourself feeling amazingly better. The affair and your H's mean behavior are the main source of your depression. Once you close all those holes, it will get better.

Do you have a relative who will help you and drop the marriage counselor act?

Thanks, Mel. I talked a relative, but she has her own issues and will discuss with her family before getting back to me.

I would avoid these thoughtless, uncaring relatives. Isn't it easy to lecture you about staying in such a horrible situation when it is not their ox getting gored?

I agree with this so much.

You need to make this move happen so you can be near supportive people.

We recommend that you Plan B any unsupportive uncaring people. That is for your sanity plus it is the only way they will learn.

Guys, I'm the caller for today's MB Radio Show. Following are recap of what Dr. Harley and Joyce talked about my case on the show.

Cause of the problem:

- Children make marriage worse. We had our first child 10 years after we got married. Guess we were never ready. We always complain that we don't have our own time, and missed our life before we had kids.
- more conflicts,
- no time together,
- difficult second pregnancy,
- lack of help w/ children.

- WH's job. Lots of stress, we have to relocate and leave all the friends, lack of friends at the current state.


So WH chose to escape the stress and had this A. He is totally irrational. Right now, I'm not sure if he still believes his relationship w/ OW will work. But in reality the relationship is hopeless. More likely OW won't divorce her H, and the A will die a natural death. WH might still be unclear about what to do. He wanted to divorce me as quickly as possible two weeks ago. Then he sworn on his mother's health will never contact OW. But still he wouldn't delete OW's contact and all the social network app. He might be in emotional withdrawal.

What to do next:

- Plan A: short-term, before I move to CA. I need to control my temper, NO love busters, meet his EN, I guess don't talk too much about the A? give WH good memories about me before plan B. Letting him know he'll have a loving family and forgiving wife, instead of losing everything.

- Plan B: Move to CA. for my own mental and physical health, separate from WH while he's still unclear of what to do. get support from friends in CA. current state too much trigger, faster recovery in a new surrounding.

- About child custody: Try to prevent him from filing D at current state, by threatening to expose his A at his employer, or do expose in advance. But I'll be very careful about this. This job means a lot to him, even though it might be the main cause of our marriage problem. Lost of reputation at his work would be devastating for him. I will only use it as a last resort.

- EP!


So I'll ask WH to move back, plan A him. looking for CA jobs at the same time, more networking to do.

I just heard it! Great! How long until you can move away?

I don't know. applied a job and will follow up with some networking. in two weeks, they will decide who to interview. 2-4 weeks for a decision. 1 month for the moving. my situation right now shipping my stuff to CA will save more money. so about 3 months the fastest to leave.

BEFORE you ask your husband to come back, please email Dr Harley and tell him you can't move for 3 months at the earliest. That is a very very kong time to be in plan a and I think it might be too much. I don't think he knows this.

Thanks, Mel. I'll do that.

Tell him you have been in plan a since NOVEMBER.

Ok. I'll let him know. Yeah, but it wasn't a correct plan a, lots of love busters, and major exposure to OW's friend and work only started from mid March. well, tons of withdrawal and no deposit for both of LB for a long time.

The point is that you have been dealing with this since November. Women are only supposed to be in plan a for 3-4 weeks.

I heard your call also xpbrain. I also think you need to email Dr. Harley and let him know you can't move for 3 months.

Thanks, Mel and BH. Wrote to Joyce and Dr. Harley. Will wait for their response before making any move.

Good girl!!

Good job and you sounded like a champ on the call. Good job, my friend.

Thanks Mel and BH. Here is Dr Harley's reply.

It depends. If your mental health continues to deteriorate, it may be too long. One the other hand, knowing you have a plan may help you put your husband�s bad behavior in perspective, and it may not affect you the same way.


-�-----------------------

WH just moved out for a week, to be frank I don't really want to see him at this time. Probably I'll wait till I travel out of town for interviews? I don't know. I'll think about it.

is it that doing plan A will have a better chance for recovery? but i do want to move back to CA, and WH mostly likely wouldn't want to move. if he got out of the fog, and didn't wanna move? I'm asking my old friends (females) now to help me on the new job, big favor, i don't wanna bail later on, but what if he doesn't wanna move?

what should i do?

It doesn't really help betrayed wives that much and can often backfire when they get worn down emotionally from being around the lying, cheating WS.


If he doesn't follow you there then your marriage would be over obviously. If he wants to be married, he would follow you.

He would also need to put EPs in place and do the work to recover. I would keep working on what you need to do to get to CA.

Are you in Plan B yet?