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Have you contacted him since you sent that letter?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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No - that would be breaking Plan B but ttytt I'm afraid to contact him.

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Originally Posted By: Bluebird51
No - that would be breaking Plan B but ttytt I'm afraid to contact him.


I am so proud of you for resisting the temptation to contact him!!! hurray

I would just stand pat for now and if he starts contacting you, THEN you can send him a true Plan B letter. Sending it now would seem odd since he has not been contacting you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Sorry, BB I hadn't realised there was already a Plan B letter in the works.

Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Originally Posted By: Bluebird51
No - that would be breaking Plan B but ttytt I'm afraid to contact him.


I am so proud of you for resisting the temptation to contact him!!! hurray

I would just stand pat for now and if he starts contacting you, THEN you can send him a true Plan B letter. Sending it now would seem odd since he has not been contacting you.


I like this plan.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Thanks. Just worried that it could be weeks before I hear from in and in that time I wouldn't trust him to be faithful. He has too strong of a drive. I know that makes him sound awful but when I think of his past....'

oh well.

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Originally Posted By: indiegirl
Sorry, BB I hadn't realised there was already a Plan B letter in the works.



Indiegirl, she sent him that letter on Sunday.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Sorry for the confusion.

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You can't worry about what he will or will not do. If he doesn't respond with actions and words of reconciliation, then you have your answer. It doesn't matter if your plan B letter was perfect or not, he knows what you're saying is that you aren't going to be bullied into, guilted into, terrified into giving into his demands, and that's the message you want him to hear. It's a fact that you can't love someone enough and do enough their way to finally get them to stop abusive behavior-if anything, all that effort just makes it worse.

The ball is in his court, so don't go pick it up and put it in his hand for him.


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Bluebird,

Just wondering how you're doing?


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He hasn't contacted me and I'm just so hurt and now getting angry.

I believe he may have someone else or is just satisfying his needs by looking at porn.

Still very hard to keep from calling him. I'm really too old for all of this and the stress is making me sick.

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Thanks for asking. I look like a wreck too. Losing weight.

I've been reading the Cloud and Townsend book "Boundaries in Marriage" as well as HNHN. I can now see the ways in which my H's judgementalisn has caused me a lot of anxiety. " When you live with judge you are always on trial." Quote from C&T.

Last edited by Bluebird51; 04/12/14 07:22 AM.
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Congratulations for not contacting him. Hang in there and keep moving forward in your life. Though it's personally painful, it doesn't matter if this user is using someone else and doesn't acknowledge your value. His opinion means nothing. Have you thought about whether you'd be emotionally able to file for divorce or how long you'll wait before doing so?


xFWW(me)-48
Married-14 years
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Unfortunately, my natural tendency would be to wait a long time before taking action, hoping for change not likely to happen. I've been reading over some of the e-mails H sent me this time last year over the same issue and finally see them for what they are: cold attempts at manipulating me and blaming me for his lack of satisfaction. He obviously wasn't concerned I'd leave in reaction, just like he isn't concerned now. If I married someone with NPD traits, there really is no hope.

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Hi BB,
This is a very painful time. Are you staying with your Mom and cousin? Try to block the images of your husband with others or porn. You are haunting yourself and adding to your anxiety.

Get out and hike in nature, garden, cook a nice meal, watch a funny movie and so on.


BW 58
WH 61
married 35 years
2 adult children
2 grandchildren

"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" c.s. lewis
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Originally Posted By: Bluebird51
Unfortunately, my natural tendency would be to wait a long time before taking action, hoping for change not likely to happen. I've been reading over some of the e-mails H sent me this time last year over the same issue and finally see them for what they are: cold attempts at manipulating me and blaming me for his lack of satisfaction. He obviously wasn't concerned I'd leave in reaction, just like he isn't concerned now. If I married someone with NPD traits, there really is no hope.


BB, I am so very proud of you, my friend. I see that you are starting to come out of the fog. Do you see this? Women who are in marriages where they are treated badly tend to be foggy because they are in the habit of justifying the bad situation in their minds. When they step away for awhile, they get glimmers of truth.

The truth is starting to break through. A bad marriage is like quitting smoking. At first you desperately miss the cigarettes but soon enough it becomes second nature and then one day you realize how wonderful you feel. That is where you are headed now.

And when your head clears you will be in a better position to make decisions about your marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thanks. I actually had a sick, anxious feeling reading those e-mails, and I suppose H knew what he was doing when he wrote them to me. Anyway, it will take time to sort through the good and bad of my H and what I need to do.

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Like the other here, I am glad to see that you are breaking the cycle of co-dependence. The fact that your husband has stayed out of contact demonstrates that he does not want to be tied down. His perverse view of relationships and his maverick independence blatantly set off the danger signals.

Certainly, you will have to cycle through the stages of grief. You've mourned, and you are now in the anger state. It will last for awhile. Just respect the process and maintain the will power to stay out of contact.

Stay active, and take small steps forward.

God bless.

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It is so amazing to me the difference just one week apart makes in these situations. I see it happen all the time. A spouse who is in an abusive/dysfunctional situation for years will undergo an awakening that starts as soon as one week.

They will start seeing how mistreated they were and they start feeling ANGRY. That is the beginning of an essential awakening that can either effect an effective reconciliation or divorce.
Both paths are preferable to staying in a horrible marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: Bluebird51
Thanks. I actually had a sick, anxious feeling reading those e-mails, and I suppose H knew what he was doing when he wrote them to me. Anyway, it will take time to sort through the good and bad of my H and what I need to do.

Good job for staying in Plan B and not contacting him.

I would avoid reading any of his past emails/letters or anything from him.

Concentrate on you and your health. Are you able to get much exercising in?

You're what is important and you need to take care of you, my friend. hug


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Nevertheless I'm still blaming myself. If I had just done what he'd asked...

Now I face a future alone. And at my age men are not available or have other issues (health). H was healthy fit and strong. Such a change since being with my sick former H for years.

This is very hard to handle mentally, no matter how badly he may have treated me, or the fact that he was selfish. I am alone and may be for the rest of my days.

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