I'm sure there are a range of reactions that are "normal" and I'm also sure than any reaction is legitimate, but for some reason, I feel like I need to know if this is normal or if my reaction is somehow off the wall. This is probably in no small part because dh is making me feel like it's not normal and that I've got some kind of a complex which is where it's coming from. Okay, so here goes...

We have been living together for 25 years and married for most of that, we've got two kids who are 10 and 5. The last year has been one of the happiest, maybe the happiest in our relationship. Then about five weeks ago he tells me that he's not sure that he wants to be with me any more. I say, but we've been so happy. He says, yes, and that makes me wonder if I could be even happier. As you can imagine... heartbreak. So, he's not leaving, he's not sure that he wants to leave. His point is he's just not SURE that he wants to be with me. He can't quantify it, maybe its 90% maybe less, he just doesn't know. Sometimes he says things that make me think this is just some kind of crazy temporary insanity and if I can just grit my teeth through it we'll get past it and everything will be fine. Then, today he comes in and tells me that he was just talking to his mother and he's asked her whether, if he leaves me, we can all (me, him, the kids) live in the duplex that she owns so the kids will have access to both of us. I freak because, well, seems like making plans like that means, well...

Anyhow... he thinks that I'm overly obsessed with the outcome. Like I can't stand not knowing if we're really together. I feel like I need to know and I can't function without knowing. Since it's (apparently) impossible for him to tell me anything concrete, I feel this intense need to get myself together and get my ducks in a row so that if I am single, I'm prepared for that.

He thinks that I should not be preparing for the end, but I should be throwing myself into doing whatever I can to keep us together. I partly agree with that because 2 months ago I would not for a second thought that I'd want to be without him. If I could choose the outcome it would be for us to be together. I am afraid that if we end up apart, I will feel like I didn't do everything I could have, but reacted only out of fear and hurt and was unable to do what was best for myself and my children.

But I feel so hurt and raw and angry that right now I feel like I need to do whatever I can to protect myself. Right now I cannot see myself without him. I just imagine being in a lonely heap, probably living under a bridge or something. I picture sitting on the couch in the evening, alone, feeling crazed because my children are like insane tornadoes (I only really feel that way when I'm miserable, of course they are awesome little tornadoes in good times), and wishing desperately to see his face. So, the self-protective part of me feels like I need to build a life without him NOW. I need to shore up my women-friendships and make more and better connections with other people. I need to stop looking forward to seeing him in the evening. I have to stop relying on him for companionship and fun and emotional support.

I am not exactly asking how I SHOULD be behaving, and whether I should be acting on these feelings so much as I'm asking whether they are normal feelings to be having. I think what I am trying to aim for is being aware of the issue of shoring myself up for the worst, but still trying to be a part of this relationship and work on it. It feels like a pretty hard thing to do right now, though.

Have you investigated to see if he is having an affair?

It sounds like he's having an affair. You should quietly snoop to find out what he's doing. All the best behavior you could muster up will be of no avail if he's having an affair.

If you want to try and save your marriage, the first thing is to discover if there's an affair happening. Meanwhile, eliminate your love busters, so no anger, no disrespect, no selfish demands. Be very pleasant.

But snoop and uncover what he's doing. Is there a woman he talks about more than others? Does he work with any women he seems to admire?

What is it about my post that screams "affair!"? I am not apposed to the idea of it. I almost feel like it would be welcome at this point because I feel like I could at least wrap my head around that. I don't think he is having an affair, but I would like to know why you think that just so I'm maybe more aware.

I have such a hard time wrapping my head around this, too -- "no anger, no disrespect, no selfish demands." I am kind of trying to be as understanding and compassionate as I can, but omg, there is a deeeep well of anger here that I am having a very hard time keeping the lid on. Like, today he came in and told me the thing about his mom and her duplex, and I said "is she gonna miss me when I'm gone?", which, besides being the first thing that popped into my head, was pretty snide and b*tchy. I wish that I hadn't said it, told him I wish I hadn't said it. But, I almost feel like I have no control of what I'm saying. I am just reeling and hardly in control of anything let alone my emotions and what pops out of my mouth. How do you do it? And will it really not cause me to have an ulcer or a heart attack or something? Will swallowing my anger or hiding it really make it more likely that we'll survive this??? I'm not saying it's wrong, it is my impulse, too. When I said that earlier (and that is just one example, the same kind of b*tchy, snide attacks are just flying from my mouth constantly, it seems) I had the same impulse, I must shut that anger down or at the very least not show it to him. But how, how, how???

He is probably having an affair. So the first step will be to investigate and find out for sure. A spouse just doesn't up and decide to leave for no reason.

Hmmm. He isn't saying he's leaving. I do get the *no reason* thing, though.

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm


Didn't you just post this?

Have you checked his phone?

Yes. And I took it badly, but he was surprised that I would even read into that that leaving might be imminent. I don't know what to think... My gut reaction was he's making plans to leave, he says that talking to her about the duplex is not a sign that he's leaving. It looks like one, though, right??? No wonder why I feel like I don't know what the [censored] is going on.

Have you checked his phone or emails?

I know this sounds kind of naive, but we have talked about it a lot and I don't think he's having an affair. I can't imagine reading his email or texts behind his back. I think possibly if I got really freaked I might demand that he show them to me. I really don't think this is about an affair, though.

It feels sudden and out of the blue to me, which could signal an affair, I agree. But this whole thing is just so like him. It's really hard to explain why I say that bc he has never acted like he didn't want to be w me before (and, truthfully, besides the fact that he's saying that you'd never guess it by behavior). He has always been very loyal and committed. But he questions everything to death and will find all sorts of fault even w the best situation. He has a very hard time being full out happy w anything. He hasn't been happy w a lot about our relationship or about any relationship w anyone, ever. The happiest I've seen him is the last year.

There is not much we can do until you rule out an affair. Most spouses come here and tell us they don't believe there is an affair but there almost always IS. There is very likely an affair so nothing we tell you to do will be of any effect until the affair is brought out into the open.

And of course you should read his emails and texts. You have a right and a need to see everything he does. He is your spouse.

I would not ASK him if he is having an affair. Quietly snoop on him to find out the facts.

Please read.
Snooping: Is it wrong? Or, is it the right thing to do in marriage?

I understand that you guys can't really give me advice regarding the relationship if there's an undiscovered affair, but I'm still wondering about my question, whether it seems normal to you guys for me to want to be relying on him less and becoming more self-sufficient while this is going on.

Tonight, for example, I'm going salsa dancing w/o him and I'm doing it bc I want to build a social life on my own and have fun that he's not involved in. I also want to feel like a person who *could* be w someone else if I wanted to be (right now the idea of that is just bizarre and other-worldly to me). But going out is at the cost of spending the evening w him and we are busy people and he's not really available all the time. I feel like losing a night w him is significant and maybe I should be making sure to use all of the time I have available w him, yk?

So do you want to remain in this marriage?

I think creating an independent lifestyle by going out alone is a distraction from your marriage problems. It is also harmful to your marriage.

I would focus on resolving your marriage problems.

Yes, I do want to save our marriage. I'm so scared of being left high and dry, though. I wish that there were some way that I could both work on the marriage and build a life that will sustain me if he leaves.

That's exactly why you must rule out that he's having an affair.

Will you start snooping now?

Did you read the snooping article I posted?

First find out if your H is having an affair. The red flags are there, so first find out what he's doing. Don't ask him, because if he's having an affair, he'll lie about it. Find a way to snoop and find out.

The reason you are being pushed on this so hard is because all the signs are there. So many people have come here with the same kinds of signs and insisted and insisted there was NO affair. But there nearly always was.

Why are you avoiding us? Until you do what is right and check his emails and cellphone records there is little that can be done. Since you are obviously enabling his behavior.