I'll be having dinner with my Mom and brother. I bought tickets for a concert in May and have plans with a friend to perhaps volunteer at a charity golf tourney in June.

Also still have the rescue site trying to find a dog for me.

So I guess that's something.

That sounds wonderful BB. One step and one day at a time.

Stay the path, my friend.

Sounds good BB. Happy Easter!

I had a very bad day one day and broke down and e-mailed him.

I didn't get a good response.

He said he didn't know when we would speak again and asked me not to call him for awhile.

In the meantime I've been reading about personality disorders and he sounds more and more like someone who may have NPD or at least is controlling.

How do I get over being in love with him and also this horrible fear of living out my life alone? I've lined up activities and and am trying to be social but nothing feels good. ADs are not making any difference right now. I try to focus on some of his hurtful behaviours - like telling me "F-you" on New Year's Day (probably something I said in innocence but it doesn't help.

My mom says I still have lots to live for but I feel like I've lost my right arm.

Thanks for letting me vent.

ADs usually take a couple of weeks to start helping. If they don't start working, see your doctor again. It sometimes takes a couple of tries to get the meds right. Doctors will understandably start out with the most mild first. They often have fewer side effects but they can be less effective for some.

Exercise will also help lift your spirits a bit. Make sure you are eating healthy.

I'm sorry you broke your Plan B and had such an ill effect. Try and keep his cruel response to you in mind next time you have such a strong urge to break Plan B. Call someone else instead. Write here.

You do have lots to live for. I know plenty of middle-aged women who are single and very satisfied with their lives. They have an active and full social life with plenty of female friends. You truly are better off on your own than with a man who doesn't care about or for you.

Bb, have you ever smoked? Ending a bad relationship is very much like quitting smoking. At first you feel like you are going to die but as each day goes by, you develop new, healthy habits to fill your day. At first, this feels awkward, but before you know it, this feels natural to you. As time goes on your fear will subside as you create a rich, full life for yourself.

You can have a rich, full life as a single woman if you will take yourself there.

Also, every time you break down and contact him you will feel devastated. Please resist that temptation. Your success in plan b depends on your staying completely dark, my friend.

Thanks Longway and Melody.

Right now I feel I will never recover. Losing an H is one thing, but losing your lost love from high school seems like so much worse. It's almost like H was imprinted on my heart from the time I was 16 and now he's gone forever.

Worse than death because he's still out there and God knows what or with whom he's doing things.

I just can't take it all in.

I'll keep trying to stay strong.

This person you are missing is not real person. You have learned this is true by enduring much pain, and sticking with a dark Plan B will help protect you from more unnecessary pain. Indulging in a fantasy about the lost love you thought you had found but never really had will not serve to help you one bit. Please stay dark and let yourself heal.

Hi BB,

Well, pick yourself up and know how awful the contact helped you feel.

What about a recovery group for yourself?

Write out positive affirmations and place around you to help you counter the negative things you are saying about yourself to yourself. We can be our own worst enemies.

Print this thread and the many positive things posters are saying to you as well as the warnings ---to remind yourself.

**edit**

Moderators note: do not disrupt the threads of those seeking help. If you have questions about the program, either read the material or start your own thread asking for help. Thank you

This is by far the most painful thing I've ever been through. Worse than first marriage with abusive H who then got sick.

I can't do this.

Ugh.

You don't know me but I have been reading your thread. I am enrolled in the online program.

I just wanted to send you a hug

Doubt your doubts. You Can do this!

Your grieving the loss of the dream more than the man.

You must fill your life with something else and other thoughts to help you right now.

You can and will do this!

Yes, you can, my friend. It is hard to believe, but in a few weeks you will feel better than you have in a very long time. You can't see the end now, but we can. Just stay completely dark and don't contact him. If you will do that, you will feel better and better every day.

Thanks Melody, but that's so hard to believe.

Every day I wake up with this huge boulder of pain in my gut, knowing he has discarded me so casually. He's blocked me on FB and other sites we used to use and I'm actually afraid to call him (even if I wasn't trying to go dark). I know he would just be very cruel in his response, very cold.

Why couldn't he just be happy with me as I am? I'm not cruel, I never cheated, I helped him through three health crises (including a very serious A-fib incident). I was kind to his kids and tried so hard to fit in. None of it mattered in the end.

He has cast me away, just as he did previous wives and gfs. I'm just another person on his list of conquests. Don't even know if he ever really loved me or if I was just some fantasy who couldn't live up to his image.

I'm now thinking he has some form of NPD. If true they never change and can't really love, which means I invested these later years of my life with him for nothing, and now have no future.

I really can't do alone and can see myself old and neglected.

It's all too much. Sorry for venting. I know he'll go on to have others, but the thought of even talking to another man makes we want to faint.

Just so sorry I'm not doing very well.

You were both engaged in fantasies to some degree. Your fantasy was that he was a lost love from the past - someone who was meant for you from the beginning. His fantasy is that he is still 20 years old, and a privilege to all women who are graced by his extraordinary sexual prowess. His fantasy is about himself, not you. You did not fail at anything. I've said it before and I will keep repeating myself until you believe it - he is the one with the problem, not you. You are normal.

But you are better off on your own than with a man who will not care for you or about you. You were in love with an illusion.

You don't have to be alone, or "old and neglected." I know plenty of very nice older ladies in our church and community who have made wonderful social lives for themselves. They reach out to others to help, for company, for prayer, for meals. They share themselves and seem to be very happy.

Find other people doing fun and/or helpful things in your community. Reach out to be a friend to others. It will help you now and in your future.

Also, if your ADs have not started helping you after a couple of weeks, please call your doctor and see if you can get either another prescription or a higher dose of the same. Most doctors will start out very conservatively.

I used a very good anti-anxiety/AD called Lexapro and started out with a tiny tiny dose. Had to increase it little by little. It started helping me feel better after a couple of weeks. Is your doctor monitoring you? My doctor was a psychiatrist that I had to see on a weekly basis until I started doing better. And, guess what? Once I solved those problems and changed my life style, I don't have to be on those meds anymore.

Just ruminating and wondering about the SF issue in our relationship.

The last time we talked the only thing he could think of to discuss was SF. He accused me of being half-hearted and not initiating enough etc - even though I always made sure to ask if he needed SF every week (more than once). Mr Eureka says the problem lies with him but also is it my fault because I did not try hard enough to be more what he wanted and expected? If I had given him more frequent SF (every other day?) and different kinds would he have been happy?

Underneath it all I was hurt that he would use SF as a means to hurt me - make me feel inadequate etc. In a loving marriage shouldn't the spouses be happy just to have one another, and have SF? Does it always have to be like in the porn movies? I see so many articles about having to spice it up in the bedroom. What does DR. Harley say about this?

Also H was not providing me with UA time and when we were together there was hardly any conversation as he was either concentrating on a movie or playing computer games. I guess I was supposed to jump him during those times but gosh a woman needs some romancing and intimate conversation.

To this day he does not understand this.

SF between a man and his wife who are in love with each other makes them both feel great. The one who has the highest need for sex has his/her need met in the way that makes the one with the lower need happy.

Most women have a lower sex drive than their husband, simply due to the lower levels of testosterone. It's simply unrealistic to demand that you initiate SF when your needs are lower in general. I would hate it if my H demanded that I initiate. Sometimes the spouse with the lower need will initiate, but it's not going to be because of a demand. The demand actually makes it LESS likely to occur.

SF should always be done so that both spouses are happy, not just one spouse. SF is not about porn sex at all. My H has a higher need for sex, but he makes it all about me. He never asks me for sex in a way that isn't truly "making love." So we never have "porn sex," because that isn't really making love.

You don't have the same objective view, Bluebird, as the posters on your thread. We can see that the problem your H had was caused by him and his expectations. His expectations were predictably unrealistic because he watches porn.

Please please stop ruminating on your H and how you were somehow the cause of the problems with SF in your marriage. You were not the cause of the problem. Plan B is about NOT thinking or talking about the wayward or abusive spouse. Please find some activities that will help you.

HI BB,

I've been taking a break from the forums for a while but I wanted to check in on you. I'm now caught up (88 new posts!) and I just wanted to give you a big hug and tell you how proud I am of your persistence in demanding your deserts and not settling.

One thing I wanted to forewarn you about was this:


It's far from over, I'm afraid and not in a good way. He is very well practised in playing cat and mouse with you and has used separation before toplay this game. He waits until you are at your darkest point (and we all reach that point when grieving a relationship) and he returns like the prize pig at the village far, arms outstretched saying "You can have all this back! As long as you submit to soul-destroying SF".

That's what's next, I'd guess. You've also encouraged him a bit in his cat-and-mouse plan by contacting him out of fear. When he smells fear from you, it makes hiscat and mouse plan feel very rewarding. It's nothing that can't be solved by getting back on the Plan B pony, though.

I don't think he has gone 'NC' (only you can do that) I think he has gone into a temporary sulky tantrum. Once he can return from at any time with more emotional manipulation.

You have two choices. Stay on the path you are on remaining available for him to contact you, but HOLD YOUR NERVE. Do not initiate contact, or respond to jabs about 'losing the man who loved you' (bleugh) without getting advice here first. Remember that all emotionally-driven contact coming from you is a painful set back.

You could also choose a dark Plan B, using an IM, where they can take over, relieving you of this job. This might be needed if you are constantly waiting for the phone to ring or checking the internet or email etc. Or if you feel unable to resist contact him when he pulls a tantrum or gives you a jab.

Can you hold your nerve and concentrate on having a fun life where you aren't judged, for the time being?

You've already started to see more truth away from him and I think you can do a really good Plan B.