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4 years ago, I cheated on my husband with a co-worker. When I ended the affair after he discovered it, we stayed together. I followed everything he wanted from being transparent about where I am, what I am doing, my emails and text messages, etc. We also never spoke about the incident (as per his request)and started living our life together. We had 4 years of eventually being happy but just two months ago he cheated on me with an ex-girlfriend who he also considers as his only friend. This woman knew about my affair. He told me he ended the affair but toward the course of these past two months I discovered that they continued the affair. I discovered it for 4 times. He told me that he starting cheating because he hasn't forgiven me and he wanted to get back at me at first but eventually he developed feelings for this woman. He told me he loves me and we haven't separated and he is sorry but he knows his credibility is shot since he lied so many times. He broke off the affair for the fourth time through email and the lover responded nastily, saying that I don't know how to love my husband and that I was keeping him around just to save face. I think the affair is really done but I don't know if he is strong enough not to reach out and continue this affair since the pain brought by my mistake still looms. I've done everything to show him I regret and I am sorry these past 4 years up until now but I don't know now if he can be strong enough to stay with me. The ex-gf's hold on him seems to be strong. What should I do? I don't want to lose him; I don't care if people know about my affair. I accept accountability for what happened then and I want him to still be with me and our only child. Please help.


ladymenefunien
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Your marriage never really recovered from the original affair, but realize this: His affair is absolutely in no way justified by your affair. It is his own poor boundaries, his own bad choices, and his own deceitful behavior that is responsible for this. He owns it. The sooner you stop allowing his excuses for his affair based on your's, the sooner you will be able to successfully bring his affair to an end and start working to rebuild your marriage.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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What Mr. Eureka says is true: you are responsible for your own bad choice to have an affair, and he is responsible for his bad choice to have an A.

He needs to send a No Contact letter (use the template on this website) that you approve and mail. Then he needs to change all his contact information to make it impossible for the OW to contact him again.

You and your H both need Extraordinary Precautions for life to prevent another affair from happening. It's very easy to get into an affair and quite common, but an A is so devastating that it's really important to be proactive in making it nearly impossible to have one.

You need to expose your H's affair. Expose yours along with his. Ask for support and help.

Have you read through the threads at the top of this forum? Start Here

Also, read up on Just Compensation Here. If you and your H had known about Just Compensation, you would likely not be in this predicament today. MarriageBuilders is not about "Forgive and Forget." It's about preventing another affair through EPs and making the marriage better than ever.

Expose the affair. And meanwhile, avoid love busters.


Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

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You cannot trust him to end the A and stop contact on will alone. You need EP's in place that make another A impossible. Both of you need them since you both have proven to have poor boundaries around the OS.

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I didn't know we had a template for no contact. I did get to see the email sent ro the woman and even her responses even after. She really wanted to get my hisband for herself. I want to heal. I think I'm too hurt


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Originally Posted By: ladymenefunien
I didn't know we had a template for no contact. I did get to see the email sent ro the woman and even her responses even after. She really wanted to get my hisband for herself. I want to heal. I think I'm too hurt


Have you read the Exposure thread?
Originally Posted By: Dr Harley

My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent

Coping with Infidelity: How Affairs Should End


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Also, is the OW married?

You need to expose his affair. Please read.
Exposure 101


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Yes she's married. But my husband doesn't want our family to know. He has too much pride.


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Originally Posted By: ladymenefunien
Yes she's married. But my husband doesn't want our family to know. He has too much pride.

Did you read the Exposure thread on what Dr. Harley says about exposure.

The OW's BH needs to be told. He needs to know.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Unfortunately I don't know her husband. As for my husband we're in the process keeping things calm and avoiding each other for now. My fourth discovery just happened last Friday. I just hope it is for real this time. I've gone through too much pain and he knows he has done worse than I did. I hope that we can reveal this to everyone soon so we can have suppot.


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I hope this discovery is the last and that it doesn't happen again. He sent an email similar to no contact so I hope that's it.


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What action are you taking to end this A? You are sitting around letting your wayward H call the shots, uh he is having an A and having a wife at home...why on earth would he end his arrangement, he has a sweet deal right now.

You need to step up and expose. Expose to OW's H, he needs to know his wife is cheating on him, its cruel to know about this and not let him know. Expose to your family and friends to ask for support and to use their influence to convince your H to end the A and work on recovering your M.

He sure wants to keep the secret so he can keep his GF and W and his sweet setup. Don't allow yourself to be put through this torture, YOU DON'T DESERVE THIS, NOBODY DOES.

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Originally Posted By: ladymenefunien
Unfortunately I don't know her husband. As for my husband we're in the process keeping things calm and avoiding each other for now. My fourth discovery just happened last Friday. I just hope it is for real this time. I've gone through too much pain and he knows he has done worse than I did. I hope that we can reveal this to everyone soon so we can have suppot.

You need to do a background check to find her husband. He needs to be told. Don't let this poor man go along thinking everything is okay in his marriage.

Have you searched for her on Facebook to see her contacts?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: ladymenefunien
I hope this discovery is the last and that it doesn't happen again. He sent an email similar to no contact so I hope that's it.



The vets are telling you how to make sure that it ends...exposure.

It is usually not easy for a BS to expose due to the anger it incites in a foggy WS. But exposure, done all at once, is your best long-term shot at saving your marriage.


D-Day 1 - May 4, 2012

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If you do not want to remain married to your husband, do not expose.

If you do not expose and remain married to your WS, he will make your life the worst hell you could ever imagine full of lies, deception and many, many more D-days.

Last edited by FooledMeTwice; 04/16/14 12:55 PM. Reason: spelling

D-Day 1 - May 4, 2012

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Exposure is always recommended regardless of whether they stay married or not. This is one of the first steps that Dr Harley recommends after an affair and is a standard extraordinary precaution. And even if they do divorce, others should know about the affair.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Hopefully you realize ML that my comment, "If you do not want to remain married to your husband, do not expose," was tongue-in-cheek, not a suggestion.

Last edited by FooledMeTwice; 04/16/14 12:59 PM.

D-Day 1 - May 4, 2012

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Originally Posted By: FooledMeTwice
Hopefully you realize ML that my comment, "If you do not want to remain married to your husband, do not expose," was tongue-in-cheek. Not a suggestion.



ahhh, I got your nuance now! smirk


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Part of my stupidity is not being able to impose what I want since I am afraid to lose him. I know he is calling the shots in a way because he hasn't given me full transparency.


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Originally Posted By: ladymenefunien
Part of my stupidity is not being able to impose what I want since I am afraid to lose him. I know he is calling the shots in a way because he hasn't given me full transparency.


Well, Dr. Harley is very clear that your marriage will be a crippled version if you do not follow his program.

If you want to have a loving romantic marriage, you can achieve it IF you follow Dr. harley's program...as detailed in Surviving an Affair.

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