The crux of your relationship is that your husband is an [censored], and he uses scripture to justify it.


"I didn't make the rules, God did!"


Nowhere in any holy book does it say =; "Thou shalt be a jerk to thine wife."

I would respond calmly that you simply aren't going to do that.


Explain to him that you need him to stop all demands, disrespect, and anger. Show him the first five chapters of love busters and ask if he would be willing to follow the procedure Dr. Harley describes at the end of those chapters, where you give him a worksheet each week letting him know when he has been demanding or disrespectful. Like the above lectures from Scripture - those are disrespectful, and you would list those on the worksheet, and he would need to agree to stop talking to you like that.

If he is not willing to stop saying those things, then this is not going to work.


You have to work on it by first getting rid of the demands and disrespect. That will pave the way for being able to talk about it respectfully.

Have you thought about emailing the Harleys?


Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.

Agree.

Attempting to control your beliefs is pretty much like attempting to control you for anything else. It is abuse.

Hi I am new here and still learning. **edit**
I'm sorry for you pain and pray you and your husband can find a solution.

Yes I understand you are both passionate about your beliefs.
Dr Harley frequently uses the example of a man looking at the ocean, as his wife stands back to back looking at the mountains.
The man says, The world is all water.
The woman says, No. It is all mountains.

Dr Harleys approach to resolving conflict is for each person to acknowledge that their spouse has a worthy perspective.
Using the Policy of Joint Agreement, each person has an individual right on what religion to believe in. However, how the family worships is subject to the POJA.

Are you both willing to negotiate and come to enthusiastic agreement?
Are you both willing to follow the POJA?

If either of you refuse to follow the POJA then you don't have a "buyers" relationship

Thank you for all of your recommendations. So it's been some months and I basically have decided it's a lost cause. I have set up boundaries i.e. emotionally separated since I cannot do a physical separation(have been worn out/sick and take care of kids on my own-so haven't been able to work). We are just roommates. What did it for me was the last time he told me I was rebellious and where I attend worship is blasphemous. In the midst of the bad marriage, I haven't had all the energy I need to find work. I am actively looking for work to be able to support myself. I haven't wanted to divorce without having an income first because I don't know what he will do when it happens. When I told him I wanted to separate, he made threats that scared me (not for me but for him). I know this is classic manipulation and I will not tolerate it. My question is how can I get out of this situation with someone so difficult and without breaking his heart? He's my children's father and I genuinely love him and care for him but he's impossible to live with. Even if we were to work the MB concepts, I guarantee you the bottom line according to him is, I don't submit to him and I'm not following his beliefs. So it's a lost cause! My goal is to become financially independent and get a support group for me. I'm not good at this nor do I know how to divorce. Never planned on this, and don't want to hurt my kids. I'm scared.

Did you ever do this?

Yes, I did.

What did Dr. Harley say? Did he read your question on the show?

If he is threathening suicide, that most certailnly IS manipulative. AND it is also ridiculous that a man who is so graetly convinced that his faith is best could so totally go against what this very religion stands for.

That is, assuming that I have gotten the right impression. Apart from that, it would be helpful if you could be more specific if you say that he makes threats that scare you for HIM.

To declare yourself separated is not being separated. The two of you should make a real effort to find some middle ground here. You knew beforehand that you were of different faith and should do everything you can to come together for your children. That means at least to consult directly with Dr. Harley, for example.

Your husband should realize, that if the two of you divorce, he will have even less say in the religious upbringing of the children.

I wish you wisdom, but do somethin constructive, please.

Genesis 3:16...basically says that a woman's desire shall be for her husband and he shall rule over her...

I hope he realises that this very bibleverse is a curse, because of the sin commited by Adam and Eve.

I totally agree with you that you should separate if he keeps being abusive.

Godloves, according to Dr. Harley, an "emotional separation" simply does not work. If you are trying to do this without breaking his heart, then this approach is destined to failure. Being "just roommates" is going to get worse, and worse, and worse, so you need to make a plan to become financially independent and execute it. Do you have a lawyer? Your husband is probably responsible for providing you some support until you can get on your feet. You need to get a lawyer in order to make that possible.


This is good - you have to have a plan. If the bad marriage has made it hard for you to stay motivated to find work, you should consider seeing your doctor about getting on antidepressants for the short term. ADs can help you stay even emotionally so that you can stay motivated and get this done.


Dr. Harley does not advise telling your husband you plan to separate. That will weaken the impact. Just make your plans and then separate.


This is why you need to not plan on "emotional separation" - you need to get into a true dark Plan B, where you are not saying anything to him, and he cannot possibly say anything to you (because you have blocked all contact). He is still liable to support you during this time, which is why you need a lawyer.


Well, him saying that you need to submit to him is the exact opposite of working the MB concepts.


The good news is, according to Dr. Harley, most women actually do quite well once they get out on their own and get their abusive husbands out of their lives. It's men who can't live without their wives, not the other way around.

Please answer BrainHurts' question - when was your question read on the show, if you sent one in?

This is exactly correct!


This is more problematic - if the two of them could make a joint effort, then none of this would be a problem. Unfortunately her husband isn't willing to make a joint effort at all; he insists that it is his way or else. There is no hope as long as he continues to issue such demands. So telling godloves what they "should" do is kind of a moot point - she needs to know at this point what Dr. Harley advises for wives whose husbands will not negotiate.