Another excellent Dr. Harley book is I Promise You

It specifically focus on engagement.

It does make it difficult when parents response does not support your decision. I assume your parents are Christians and for them you getting married is a milestone of success that indicates THEY did a good job.

Keep in mind that this is your life and part of growing up is making decisions that are best for you and that you will not always get everyone's approval. This is part of the maturing process that we learn over time. Remember dating is an interview for marriage. From that interview process you have some significant questions that need to be answered. I venture to guess that if you were going to make a financial investment and had doubts you would not rush into the investment, well this is so much more important than that.

Your parents are coming from an old paradigm. They likely were used to the old way of you met someone got married and just gutted it out if there were issues. Times have changed. Relationships and life is more complex and people today have different ideas on what they want from marriage. There is far more up front work that needs to be done.

I don't imagine your parent would be thrilled if you pushed forward got married, struggled in your marriage and then got a divorce. So you are saving everyone from a lot of pain.

Your parents will get over their disappointment. At some point their opinion will change that their little girl is growing up and learning to stand on her own. You will be just fine. There is no rush. You are making the most important decision in your life and you need to make sure it is going to work. Divorce I believe is ranked higher in stress and pain than the death of a loved one. You made the right decision.

How is your boyfriend taking this change of events? How are his parents responding? Remember crisis is good for bringing out the true personality of a person and you want to go through a few of those before you get married so you know what you are getting into.

So what are you doing to get those questions answered? Are you both working the marriage builder process?

Brainhurts - We liked Dr. Harley's advice enough to follow it. I also felt validated that my fears are for a reason, and they don't just stem from nothing. We are also glad they did not tell us to just split up. I really like that he said that I should not even think about getting married unless I feel very, very passionate toward my fiance. That takes the pressure off.

bcboyb - Thank you. He has taken it very well. It made him a little uncomfortable to talk to Dr. Harley (and at first he was really not excited about the idea of not getting married), but after the advice was given he was able to see that it is a good idea to wait and has fully been on my side and supportive since I (and Dr. Harley) respectfully persuaded him. He has been a great support in the face of my parents' inappropriate reactions.

I am not sure if he has told his parents yet, but they do not have much say in our lives because they are alcoholics. They effect us in somewhat uncomfortable small ways, but as far as life-altering decisions, they have no say.

Yes, we are both using the marriage builder process. We are reading through His Needs, Her Needs and using two different colored highlighters to see what we think is important and then we are having discussions about it. We have read more than half of Love Busters so far. We are trying to implement the Policy of Joint Agreement and the Policy of Radical Honesty, though they are harder than it first appears! I don't think we will change in a day. We have developed defective problem solving, protective dishonesty, and a habit of making sacrifices, but we are trying to bring all of that to a halt. We are making progress.

I think you're on the right path. Good job.

Does your fiance read here?

BrainHurts - Thank you. And yes, my fiance periodically comes to the forum and reads what everyone is saying. We discuss everything that everyone says.

Well now this is interesting. Alcoholic parents make for some downstream issues for children of alcoholics. When you have an alcoholic parent that becomes a family disease. Has your fiance done any work or counseling around this issue? Even if he is not an alcoholic he is impacted and it is quite likely there is some residue from being raised in an alcoholic environment.

This may be part of your "gut" reaction about not wanting to rush into getting married. I suspect your fiance has some personal work to look after.

Good job by the way. You are taking charge of your life and determining how you want to be treated. After all we do teach people how we want to be treated. I remember trying to parent my daughters after they had left home and were in university. I realized our relationship had to change as they were no longer kids but successful young adults. Did they always do what I thought they should? No, but I had to come to terms that they were in charge of their lives and they were responsible for the consequences. Had I continued to interfere I would risk loosing the relationship. Your parents are having to go through the transition of realizing that you are growing up, and you can make good decisions.

You are learning some very important things that you will need for the rest of your life. One of the most difficult passages in the scripture for me is "rejoice in your tribulation". I have come to learn that I do not learn the important lessons when things are going smoothly but when things fall off the rails. It is what we do when things don't go well. Do we react or do we respond?

God Bless you in your journey.

By the way I would encourage you to treat your parents with Grace, Love and Respect regardless of how they treat you. When in doubt take the high road. They do love you they just have some unresolved feelings right now. Now is when the rubber hits the road and is our faith just head knowledge or does it impact how we approach life? What would Jesus do?

bcboyb - Yes, my parents will probably realize that if they do not treat me with respect they will not have a relationship with me. If they were non-Christians I might not be giving them tough love right now, but as it is I am not speaking to them because as fellow Christians, their behavior is unacceptable. They definitely know better. Jesus treated people who "knew better" (Pharisees) much differently than people who did not seem to "know better", like the sinners he ate with. Jesus called them hypocrites and whitewashed tombs - he was not all fluff and peace, but had an element of hard reality to him. I believe the question "What would Jesus do?" does not always equate to peace. Sometimes, reality hits, and if Jesus was not okay with people behaving sinfully, I should not be either.

Yes, my fiance actually has gone to counseling about his past, for himself. I was really glad because I had a lot of anxiety about marrying someone too proud to go into counseling, like my dad is. He liked it and learned about himself there.

Well, an update... He is buying me flowers regularly now. We have both improved in a few ways and had some relapses into bad behavior. Unfortunately, we both got sick and have finals coming up. We also have a hard time getting enough sleep and so are tired, making things like self-exploration sound like a lot of hard work. Once finals are over, the craziness will subside. We have still been spending lots of time together, which is good, and as we read through His Needs, Her Needs, we are finding a valuable treasure trove of things to put into our relationship. Hopefully things will be bright soon!

Bumping for Nemli. Is this the same boyfriend? I thought it might help you to reread this since your new question is so similar.

Thank you. It�s weird reading this. I broke off this relationship in 2015. Gradually I became aware that this partner (the one I broke up with) had been making me suspicious of my family, had not encouraged me to branch out and make friends, and had me doubting myself, my emotions, and my thoughts so severely that my self-confidence was at an all-time low in my life. I felt stupid all the time and still sometimes worry that my current partner will think I am stupid because of the damage this relationship did to me. I had no friends when I broke up with him and lacked a support system, so the breakup was fairly traumatic for me. Good things came out of it though. I went to counseling and it changed my life. I am very glad that I did not marry him as I am sure we were not a good match looking back. He did not respect me and that ate at my confidence constantly.

My current relationship feels completely different from this old one that I held on to for so long. My partner respects me so much that I literally cried one night. I was cuddling with him while he was asleep and I cried and got his back all wet because I was so grateful for this gentle, respectful man who makes me feel good, who makes me feel smart, who encourages me to have friends, who lets me have as much alone time as I need.. he buys me flowers just because he knows I like them. He goes on long walks with me because I love walking. He doesn�t blame me for things that aren�t my fault or try to change my mind about what I feel.

Recently, I had a friend lash out at me and my brain was clogged with rage the entire day. Finally I decided to journal and at the end, I decided to list the reasons I was grateful for my current boyfriend. The list grew and grew and my heart felt full and soon I didn�t feel any rage at all, only gratitude.

I think he is a wonderful person. I was madly in love with him when we first met. I am just a little worried now because what if we are both good people but don�t know how to keep the in love feeling? I don�t really know how to teach him about conversations. We have interesting conversations, I just wish we had more. I don�t know how to make conversations happen sometimes.

I have had several honest talks with him, though, and they have been illuminating and wonderful. Indiegirl, thank you for your post. It helped tremendously. It basically set off fireworks in my brain and we had a great conversation about needs, and what needs I may have that he doesn�t, what that means, what his needs are, etc. I think we both understand each other better now and don�t feel as stressed about the situation.

I�m still a little worried, but this relationship has seemed to get better over time and I hope it will continue to grow. At least I am not being eaten alive by self-doubt like I was when I posted here in 2014. I am not being manipulated in this relationship and this man respects me as my own person who can make my own choices.

The weirdest thing about my old posts is how put-together I seemed. I was fairly miserable back then, but it sure doesn�t seem like it from my posts. Strange.

Another note that I�d like to add is that my old partner constantly fueled the flames of my old grudges against my parents and he also made new grudges against them and never forgot any of them. I thought he was defending my honor or something noble, and I was trying to be loyal to him, but I eventually realized this had a very destructice effect and alienated me from them, weakening my support system and pushing people away who ultimately loved me, even if they did have faults.

My current partner has had a healing effect on my relationship with my parents. He accepts me so deeply that I have learned to accept myself, and after accepting myself and my own strengths and weaknesses it was easier to accept my parents� strengths and weaknesses, too. I feel closer to my parents than I have in many years. He could have held grudges against my parents, but he just lets things go. He says he loves them and that helps me love them, too. I am so grateful for this aspect of our relationship and I feel very supported in this way. He has been very understanding and forgiving and I don�t even think he realizes it.