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So if you die and his wife leaves, she will go to him. But you also have to be more financially successful. In other words, she is having an affair, she has thought about wanting to be with him, and she's placing stipulations on staying with you. She's wrapped up in him and thinking about a life with him while fantasizing about you and his wife being out of the picture.

why are you okay with your wife constantly thinking about another man but having see with you. You can absolutely bet she's wondering what he'd be like sexually and comparing the two of you but since she emotionally bonded to him, she thinks he'd be the better lover.

Even wild animals are territorial. Why aren't you. If it were me, the computer would be in pieces in the trash and she'd be exposed.


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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Hey guys. Thanks for all the advise to expose. There have been some developments. My WW was at Good Friday eve Watchnight Service last night and I believe due to my prayers and her desire to actually get out of the affair, God must have intervened. Because this morning at church for Good Friday service, she had a serious talk with me stating that she has decided to end the affair. As part of the service we were asked to write the one thing that we would like to leave at the cross and she wrote "My affair with the OM". She has also emailed him saying "I think the right thing would be for me to back away." and "I will email you another time, a proper closure to the amazing journey we've had." I believe that this is real as I have also seen the follow-up email - although still in draft mode at the moment. The OM has also replied that he would respect her decision. But, having said all this, I will still need to be vigilant regarding further contact with the OM and the trolling of dating sites. Thanks again.

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Is she going to write a No Contact letter? Here. This is the only communication she should have with scumbag. "Amazing journey we've had..." puke Yeah, right, at her husband's expense, and the expense of scumbag's wife. Yeesh.

Is there a way you can find out more about him and find out his wife's info? If you can expose to her, she could watch him on her end.

Are you going to expose her? Even if she says she's going to end her A, you still need to expose her affair and her trolling on the Internet for affairs. You need to expose your affairs, too. Remember, exposure is for support and accountability.

Are you going to address the conditions that led to her affairs? Are you going to change your shift to one that is compatible with your marriage? Are you going to cut off the Internet where she is trolling for men? Are you going to put a keylogger on her computer and phone?

You should never trust the word of a wayward. They lie.


Married 1980
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brok, that is great!! But you should still expose the affair and follow the steps for recovery. Otherwise your marriage will not recover. Here are the steps for recovery:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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If you don't do this right, you are in for a life of more affairs and a crippled marriage. Remember, most marriages do NOT recover from an affair. Usually they are crippled versions of the pre-A marriage, the very marriage that led to the affair in the first place.

If you don't do this right, meaning Just Compensation and Extraordinary Precautions, you are going to be very unhappy with the result.


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Originally Posted By: brok3nhearted
"I will email you another time, a proper closure to the amazing journey we've had."


Nope, she is not ending the affair at all. This is a joke. If she is serious, she will send a no contact letter that is approved by you and sent together. And of course, you should expose the affair to his wife TODAY. To not tell his wife is wicked. She needs to be warned about the affair so she can protect herself and her children from your wife and her husband.

Originally Posted By: Dr Bill Harley
My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.
here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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That message was a disgusting insult.

And you are not offended by it? Take off your rose colored glasses and see the reality. That message makes me sick!!!

Follow the correct plan and do not deviate.

She is NOT the exception. If you have been around for a while, you would see many, many blinded BS's exclaim that there spouse is the exception too..... Until they discover that they are not.

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Originally Posted By: brok3nhearted
As part of the service we were asked to write the one thing that we would like to leave at the cross and she wrote "My affair with the OM". She has also emailed him saying "I think the right thing would be for me to back away." and "I will email you another time, a proper closure to the amazing journey we've had." I believe that this is real as I have also seen the follow-up email - although still in draft mode at the moment. The OM has also replied that he would respect her decision. But, having said all this, I will still need to be vigilant regarding further contact with the OM and the trolling of dating sites. Thanks again.


Great if she ends the affair, but am I the only one who doesn't think this sounds like ending things and honoring her husband and marriage?! Yes, I agree that you need to be vigilant on many levels - talking about their shared 'amazing journey' does not sound over to me. uhuh

I certainly hope you can reach the OM's wife, so she can also understand the 'amazing journey' they've shared. Ugh!


BW: (me) 51
WH: 57 (also on forum)
Married 2005, 2nd marriage for both
Lust, porn and self-stim - entire marriage.
his daughter 26, my daughter 15
D-day: 11-14-13
My story here.

I wait quietly before God, for my victory comes from him.
Psalm 62:1

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Originally Posted By: HealingGrace
Originally Posted By: brok3nhearted
As part of the service we were asked to write the one thing that we would like to leave at the cross and she wrote "My affair with the OM". She has also emailed him saying "I think the right thing would be for me to back away." and "I will email you another time, a proper closure to the amazing journey we've had." I believe that this is real as I have also seen the follow-up email - although still in draft mode at the moment. The OM has also replied that he would respect her decision. But, having said all this, I will still need to be vigilant regarding further contact with the OM and the trolling of dating sites. Thanks again.


Great if she ends the affair, but am I the only one who doesn't think this sounds like ending things and honoring her husband and marriage?! Yes, I agree that you need to be vigilant on many levels - talking about their shared 'amazing journey' does not sound over to me. uhuh

I certainly hope you can reach the OM's wife, so she can also understand the 'amazing journey' they've shared. Ugh!

Brok3nhearted, I'm glad you are here and posting. In the devastating fog of betrayal and the crushed self-esteem, it can be very difficult to think clearly. Please do listen to the vets who are advising you. I can't imagine a healthy marriage being built from your wife's current attitude. With some radical honest changes, I hope you'll be able to get back on track, but I fully believe that if you avoid making extraordinary changes, you will wind up with more and more disaster - for both of you - that will ultimately end any hope of a recovered marriage... and after a LOT more pain.


BW: (me) 51
WH: 57 (also on forum)
Married 2005, 2nd marriage for both
Lust, porn and self-stim - entire marriage.
his daughter 26, my daughter 15
D-day: 11-14-13
My story here.

I wait quietly before God, for my victory comes from him.
Psalm 62:1

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Originally Posted By: brok3nhearted
She has also emailed him saying "I think the right thing would be for me to back away." and "I will email you another time, a proper closure to the amazing journey we've had." I believe that this is real as I have also seen the follow-up email - although still in draft mode at the moment. The OM has also replied that he would respect her decision.


I am very sorry.

My WS did this and I think NC lasted about 24 hrs.

As you have been told by the vets, it is absolutely paramount for you to expose.


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You are like MANY posters who turn up here, looking for a reason to not act, to enable their wayward spouse because they think they are "special".

We had the exact same story here on the forum a couple years ago. The BH was ADAMANT that he needed to give his WW time to end despite pages and pages of our telling him he needed to expose. He finally came back after some time because his WW broke every agreement (like we told him she would) she gave him about NC.

The affair ended the day w/n days of him exposing the affair. And they recovered.

Your WW is like EVERY OTHER WAYWARD. She is NOT special!


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Why would she stop her affair? All of your actions have told her and the OM that it's OK!

Enabling a wayward NEVER works. It backfires EVERY time.

Even if by some miracle this affair ends on it's own, she will just go out and find OM2 and so on and so forth.

You REWARD her bad behavior and fuel her entitled wayward mindset.


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Are you so desparate to appease your WW that you don't care about the other victim in this case, the OM's BW?

You realize that you have now become part of the victimization of this poor woman by keeping this secret??

She has a right to know what is being done behind her back. I know that you KNOW, given that you are a BS yourself, that the right thing to do is to inform her, immediately.

Last edited by SusieQ; 04/18/14 11:59 AM.

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Originally Posted By: brok3nhearted
"I will email you another time, a proper closure to the amazing journey we've had."


Emailing the OM to discuss their amazing journey is not "closure." It is nonsense designed to get you off her back.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Every BS wished they would've found out sooner about the abuse their WS has done upon them by having the affair.

Please do this poor woman a favor and tell her immediately what her WH has done to her.

Please inform this BW immediately.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted By: brok3nhearted
Hey guys. Thanks for all the advise to expose. There have been some developments. My WW was at Good Friday eve Watchnight Service last night and I believe due to my prayers and her desire to actually get out of the affair, God must have intervened. Because this morning at church for Good Friday service, she had a serious talk with me stating that she has decided to end the affair. As part of the service we were asked to write the one thing that we would like to leave at the cross and she wrote "My affair with the OM". She has also emailed him saying "I think the right thing would be for me to back away." and "I will email you another time, a proper closure to the amazing journey we've had." I believe that this is real as I have also seen the follow-up email - although still in draft mode at the moment. The OM has also replied that he would respect her decision. But, having said all this, I will still need to be vigilant regarding further contact with the OM and the trolling of dating sites. Thanks again.


You see this as positive?? You have absolutely NO IDEA what you are dealing with here.

Dr Harley has been so successful at this because he has a background in addiction and he saw how an affair acts like an addiction on the brain...

Your WW's email communication with the OM this morning was another hit off the crackpipe. Nothing more.

The affair is still on.

Exposure and monitoring your WW very closely over a period of time to ensure no contact (weeks to maybe even months)....that's when you know the affair has ended.


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You are VERY lucky that the OM in this case is married. Most married OM are just using the OW and want to keep their M.

OM BW being exposed to would most likely end the affair in ONE DAY and keep the affair dead by watching her WH on her end.

You are wasting time and taking unnecessary risks with your M.

We all know you are terrified to anger your WW. Guess what? They all get angry and it blows over. Your M can survive a wayward's foggy anger but it won't survive this ongoing affair.


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I don't think Jesus was asking your wife to offer up "her amazing journey" to the Cross on this Good Friday.

You have to follow the plan laid out by Dr. Harley if you want to survive this affair.

Your wife is still deep in the fog, and both she and her scumbag POS affair partner are nothing more than crack addicts. They will not be able to resist each other if you don't put in the proper extraordinary precautions, and they their affair will resume underground unless you hold them both accountable by 1) exposing them, 2) demand that she rewrite her no contact for life letter to him, and 3) you put in place all the Extraordinary Precautions that ML gave you from the book Surviving an Affair.

Here is what Dr. Harley says about no contact letters:

Quote:
My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.



Read this:

How Affairs Should End

This is your first time dealing with an affair. You know almost nothing about them. Dr. Harley has saved thousands of couples from the, so I would listen to him and not your instincts. If you don't you're in for more heartache.

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Listen to these vets here. They know what they are talking about. It feels like exposing is wrong. I know first hand I felt the same thing. I felt like it was going to make everything worst. I felt like she was going to be so angry at me and she was! I exposed my wife's affair on March 27, 2014. my wife is moving back in today and is dropping the divorce Monday. She is going to writet the no contact letter. This works. I was in your shoes. I know how you're feeling. Expose this affair if you truly want to save your marriage. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.


ME46
WW 38
D-day 2/13/14

Ephesians 5:11-13
11 Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.
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