I am back.

After months of trying to fix things up and feeling devastated about all the things I did, I just found out today, by looking at my wife's phone calls that she's been having an affair with the doctor for more than one year. I have not confronted her yet because she is working actually with her lover in our dental office. I am home with my kid. I just found more than 270 calls since last year and more than 2000 minutes of conversation. I noticed when I started reading about how to survive an affair that she was the one having the symptoms of the wayward spuse...
What to do? I panicked after I found out and decided to call and met with my old therapist. She recommended that I confront her and leave the house, but I have been reading that if I leave it will give her a better opportunity to continue her affair. I feel that me staying here will make me show weak and more unattractive to her. Also, I have an 8 year old boy that I don't know if I should tell him. For now I am just going to confront her and show her the print out of the calls. She denied a few days ago having any communications with his at all and on the calls show she's been talking to him every day...
What do you guys recommend?
I cannot believe she kept hiding this from me since I told her everything about my affairs and gave her the opportunity to tell me her side of her secrects.
Please advice.
Thanks.

during all this past months I have been asking her to make a decision to either work on our marriage or ended but to please stop being so harsh. She's been drifting farther and farther but does not want to make a decision. I think is becuase part of it she is confused and also because she does not want to say she was the one who ended the relationship and have all the blame in me.
I am devastated becuase my affairs were only sexual and I never wanted to end my relationship. She is in love with him...
Please help. I will leave tonight after confronting her and I will only tell my son that mom and dad cannot understand each other and cannot work things out.

Don't confront her to let her know that you found out.

Follow the SAA procedure and first do a full blown exposure to ALL pertinent family and friends and if this is her workplace, then to the key management there as well.

She already knows what she is doing. What good will you telling her do?

Strike immediately with exposure before they can spin some ludicrous story about you and the abusive marriage and then they will take precautions to further cover their tracks.

Do you have a keylogger on her home computer and spyware on her cell phone yet and placement of VAR's in her vehicle and in the home where she might go to speak in private?

Do those things immediately if you have not done so yet.

Her cell phone call logs will tell you the times she is making contact with him and you can use that info to know where she typically is at those times and have a VAR hidden in those locations.

EXPOSURE, Not Confrontation!!!

LTL

lovemyfamily, do not confront her tonight and do not leave the house. Take a deep breathe and then plan for a full-blown exposure.

Do NOT let your wife know in any way, shape, or form what you have found out until you have done a full exposure.

Stop with the panic now, that is not going to help. We all understand. However, to help your M the best, you are going to need to be calm as a cucumber for a bit. You are going to need to think with your logic rather than your emotion.

I have not read your whole thread, but wanted to get this out there for you.

Deep breathes.

I am sorry to hear this devastating news.

You said that you realised your wife must be having an affair when you read Surviving An Affair. You need to re-read the chapters about how affairs normally end, how they should end and what to do when the unfaithful spouse will not stop contacting the affair partner. (I don't have my copy of the book in front of me to check the chapter headings.) That book contains your blueprint for what to do.

You seem to be set on leaving her, but you could have done that without posting here. The fact that you have posted here suggests to me that you want to think about trying to save the marriage. I'm sure that reading Dr Harley's book has made you see that saving and rebuilding it is possible. I think you should take some time to continue posting here today and think about saving the marriage. It might not be possible to save it, but as yet you do not know the full depth of the affair.

When did you find out? When did you have time to meet with your therapist? Why did the therapist recommend that you leave the house? Is she making this recommendation on the basis of your mental health?

You've rejected the idea of coaching with the Harleys before, but somehow you found the money to pay for therapist and she recommended that you walk away - which, as I said, I suspect you do not want to do. You should reconsider consulting with her if she has no advice on how to save your marriage.

A well as re-reading the chapter of the book, I think you need to gather firmer evidence of an affair. A huge amount of time spent on the phone is not the best evidence; it does not show how far the affair has progressed. If your wife is speaking to him that much, you should be able to record her speaking to him from your home. Install a digital voice recorder in the room from which she is most likely to talk to him. You should be able to get something in a day. You should also try and read her text messages and install spyware on her phone. Do you know the password to the phone?

You will need to fire the doctor from your practice and expose the affair to his wife and your son, and to your colleagues and families on both sides. It goes without saying that he cannot work with you and your wife any more.

A few months ago when you first came here I suggested selling the practice and moving away to get a fresh start. That is something you will need to do if you are to recover this marriage.

Yes, your 8 year old is old enough to tell. But DO NOT tell him this second�tell him at the same time that you pull the trigger on full blown exposure.

When you do tell him, you can make it age appropriate. For instance, married people are not supposed to date other people, and Mom is dating someone else. That is called an affair. Do not just tell him that you and your wife "cannot work things out". That is not being forthright with your son. He deserves to know the truth about his own life.

Meanwhile, tonight you will need to stay calm and as natural as possible around your wife. Plan A her like you have been. Please DO NOT cave into your natural instinct to confront her!

Try to gather exposure names and contact info and expose ASAP (including your son!) without any sort of previous warning to your wife.

1. don't confront her

2. don't lie to your child

3. don't move out

Calm down and come back here so we can help you with a strategic plan. Moving out would be silly and foolish.

Thanks for the postings and help. I really appreciate it. I found out today this morning. The phone calls information say where the phone calls were made. A lot of them are made from the city where he lives and she has no business going to. I do want to save my marriage. The decision of the therapist to leave the house is because here she sees me weak and needy. She is not able to appreciate me while I'm here. I would love to stay but I cannot accomplish anything here in the house.
I am rethinking though I have my things in the car. She hasn't arrived home and I sent her a message of OMG!!! we'll talk when you get home. I wish I could show the proofs of the calls how a lot of them are originated from the city where he lives and a lot of them are for 1 min or 2 which to me it means its a quick call to let him know she is on her way to his house....
I don't know her phone password and she hides it from me.

ok. I will tell her an excuse about my OMG!!! message and will stay here in the house....
I did go to my therapist instead of calling Dr Harvey because I panicked and she was there. Also, I don't have a lot of money and she costs $100 for 1.5 hrs...

I am runnig out of time, my wife will get here in about 45 mins and I have my stuffs in my car...

ok I will bring my things back.
What can I tell my son now. I already told him that I was leaving tonight?
I don't want him now to tell my wife that I told him that.....
OMG I'm devastated! I wanted to work things out so bad.

Sue, in the book, when she is deep in her affair, is your wife today. Sue's feelings for her husband Jon changed because she was unhappy in their marriage. It might not seem from the reader's point of view that she had much to be unhappy about, but from her point of view she did, and she was.

Far more than Sue, your wife has a great deal to be unhappy about; because of the threesome, which was a cruel thing to put her through, and your subsequent affairs.

I see that you are still making light of the harm you did to her with those actions, because you dismiss your affairs as "just sexual" while, apparently, hers are morally worse than yours because she is in love with him.

You need to realise that from her point of view, your affairs are morally unforgivable because, starting with pressuring her to engage in a threesome, they show that YOU were not in love with HER. You abandoned the honouring, protecting and cherishing that you were supposed to do for your wife and you abused her. What matters is to her not that she loves this doctor, but that YOU did not love HER.

If you are to have any attempt at saving your marriage, you need to never compare your "only sexual" affairs to hers, especially not to find hers as more wrong.

After a year's deep involvement with this man, she is unlikely to end the affair immediately. It might end immediately when you confront him and expose to his wife; he might well drop her (because he is a coward and a user as are all OM) and run far away from the dental practice and your neighbourhood. If he is a doctor this could ruin his reputation and livelihood, so upon exposure he would probably want to get far away from the scene of the crime. However, if he doesn't, it is unlikely that your wife will end the affair straight away. She will be like Sue and suffer terrible withdrawal, and probably contact him when she can and the affair will be back on, like Sue's.

If that happens, then the approach you need to take (if you want to try and save the marriage) is Dr Harley's Plan A. This involves attempting to win your wife away from OM. In order to do that, you need to do things that build love bank deposits with your wife and do nothing that causes love bank withdrawals. You may need to do this for several months. If you do not succeed in winning her away from OM and you have to leave, a good Plan A will make you an attractive person for her to return to when the affair inevitably dies out.

In order for Plan A to have any chance of succeeding, Dr Harley stresses that it must be done perfectly. If your wife is indeed in love with OM and even if she isn't - after having inflicted your affairs on her you will only confirm her view of you as an uncaring, cruel husband if you fight or argue with her about the affair, or blame her for causing you pain, or threaten her with terrible outcomes if the affair continues. You got into the position where she lost her love for you by being thoughtless and cruel, and if you show any more evidence of that kind of behaviour she will never find a reason to stay with you, or go back to you.

You need a major change of attitude about your affairs if you are to stand a chance of reconciling the marriage.

You need to calm down and stop firing off in all directions at once. You can already see that this does more harm than good.

Bring your things in from the car and tell your son you are not leaving. Tell him that you were upset but you are not upset any more and you are staying at home.

Your wife must know what you intended to talk to her about (although she probably does not know how you know). Can you put a voice recorder or your phone set to record in the place where she is likely to call OM in secret? She will probably call and warn him tonight. It would be good to record that call.

It is clear to me that you were gearing up to a fight with her when she came home. You were going to throw the evidence at her and storm off.

If you want to fight the affair and restore the marriage, it is vital that you do not fight with your wife - not ever, from today on. When she comes home you need to say that you were upset that your marriage is still unhappy today, but you have calmed down. That will also be the excuse if your son tells her that you packed your things.

Do whatever you normally do when you've had a day at home with your son; cook dinner and clear up. Be pleasant, and then get on with spying.

The therapist doesn't have the slightest idea what she is talking about. Leaving your home will only facilitate the affair. If you run like a crybaby she will really see you as weak and needy.

Do you want to take the advice of Dr Bill Harley, a clinical psychologist who specializes in infidelity or some inexperienced "therapist?"

You are right about the affair being either sexual or emotional. I will not use that to compare. I did not convinced her into the threesome. I told her that might be a good idea to take our relationship to the next level (of course I didn't know the next level I was going to get was this...) and one day at a party, after her being tipsy, she approached me and said "she is ready"... I was like "what do you mean?" she said "she is ready to have a threesome I just made out with her in the bathroom"... I did maybe brainwashed her into that is a good idea. I also remember that day at the party she said "maybe you can go with her and I can go with the Doctor...". My therapist said she used that threesome as a way for her to get out of the relationship without guilt...

I don't know how can I get more proofs. How can these proofs not be enough.

1. she is denying any type of communication
2. phone calls every day with place of origin the city where he lives.
3. calls for just one or two minute, calls late at night, one at 4am

I had an affair and was caught the same way and my calls were like hers...

please advice and thanks again for the help.

I just put my things back and told my kid I am not leaving that I will keep working on keeping the family together.
I will tell her that I said OMG because of something that concern me financially....

You've just disregarded everything I told you about not trying to compare or excuse what you did to her.