I have a husband that is emotionally there for me. He wants to be around me all the time, I mean all the time. Ok, I get it. He loves me. However, when all of that is over real life still happens. I married my husband thinking that he knew how to handle being the head of the household. That means making sound decisions and planning for our future. I have watched my husband fumble around in the dark and I would ask what are you doing. I would offer my help in the areas he wasn't strong in. He rejected them. He has made financial decisions that has put the family in extreme debt. I lost the car that I came into the marriage with because he could not keep up with the car payments. I lost my job and unemployment benefits over the last few years and advised him to sit with me so we can come up with a plan if I was going to continue to stay home. He would not. He refused. Nothing has been stable since. It is embarrassing for my family to have to ask me if I have enough food to eat. On top of all this I am expecting. My husband has expressed to me that he did not learn how to be a husband for certain family reasons. Yet, he refused to allow me to be a help to him, until he couldn't fix the mess that he got us in. I am angry and disappointed. This 4 year issue has hurt my intimacy with my husband and our friendship. I love my husband. I am committed to him. However, I cannot continue to go on being close with him when these issues are not being handled.

I was asked what I wanted in a man because he felt like I was not attracted to him anymore. All I want is stability. I don't want to feel like I have to be the grown up. Frankly, my husband is not mature, even down to hygiene. He once told me that I had to remind him to take care of his hygiene. I said I am not responsible for that. Anyway, how do you handle being married to someone that is not mature in the simple things of life?

Welcome to MB.

How old are you and your husband?

How long have you been married?

How many kids?

Is this the first marriage for the both of you?

Have you read this?

Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

If you and your H will agree to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement and the Policy of Radical Honesty for the rest of your lives, you will have the foundation of a great marriage.

In MB, the H is not the head of the household, making all decisions as a benevolent (or not) dictator; rather, leadership is shared between two equals - the man and his wife. You would be making all your decisions together. When two people make joint decisions that both are happy with, the decisions are much better than the ones made unilaterally.

Have you read completely through the Basic Concepts? That's where I would start. Here

There's a lot to learn in MB and it takes a while to completely digest everything, but if you both start to follow the "rules" and build new habits, you can be in love with each other and have a great marriage.

Your husband seems to have some annoying habits that withdraw love units. You may well also practice love busters that withdraw love units from your H.

Also he needs to learn to meet your ENs so that you feel bonded to him and can in turn meet his needs.

Are you and your H both willing to make changes to create a better marriage?

That is a hard question to answer but before you can deal with the symptoms we have do a few test.

It sound like you are not in love with you husband, even though you love him. If you guys don't get a handle on this one or both of you my learn to hate each other.

You need to first be honest with your husband about where you are with the marriage. And then ask him if he should be willing to go through
the Emotional Needs Questionnaire http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4501_enq.html
the Love Busters Questionnaire http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4502_lbq.html and
the Marital Problem Analysis Questionnaire http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4506_mpa.html

And as much as I understand finances are very tight I would invest in the home study course with coaching http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi9000_program2.html

To me it sounds like love bank is in the same state as you financial bank. If you guys were in love and applying policy that Dr H talks about you may still be financially tight but you would be fight together to move forward and you husband would be willing to change does annoying habits for you.

I am 34 and my husband is 31. This is my second marriage. This is my husband's first marriage. I have one child from a previous marriage. We have one child together and a second one on the way.

I would agree that my husband feels that he needs to be making all the decisions, for whatever reason. As far as meeting my emotional needs he tries to give me the emotional needs that HE needs. It's never anything that I NEED. His needs are pretty much validation, validation, validation. He has a self esteem problem so he needs constant compliments (more than normal). I told him he can have the validation, and I do give it to him. It seems like it is never enough.

Hello and welcome to Marriage Builders.

Have you read the information in the link that BrainHurts provided? What did you think of it?

I have read them before. We have actually gone over some of the things in counseling. It doesn't seem like it stuck. I will suggest that my husband go through some of these materials along with me. The material on EN are where we need to start, so that we can start putting deposits back into the love bank.

Well at less you know he needs admiration. Work at meeting that need you me have to help him do thing that you can admire and make sure you meet that need. A lot of times you can meet 2 major needs by showing him with admirations will making love with him. Just make sure you do admire what he is doing and if you don't then help to do things that you could admire.

That all being said is a just a bandaid and will not deal with the real problems. He needs to meet your needs. And you both really need to practice radical honesty with each other without being Demanding, disrespectful or having angry outburst.

Why did your first marriage end? How long have you been married?

How old are your children?

First marriage ended in one year. First marriage ended because I found out he was living a double life and he was mentally and verbally abusive. Children are 7 and 2.

And you've been married to your now husband how long?

What qualities did he have that attracted to while you were dating?

Have you read the Basic Concepts on this site?

I have been married for 4 years now. I was attracted to my husband because he made me feel safe about love again, he always had a listening ear, he helped me spiritually, we have common interest in music and the arts. He is funny and great with children. He appeared to have all of his "stuff" together financially and emotionally

Please. Stop the angry outbursts now..my wife and I would not be going through Dealing with infidelity if we had tried to understand each other more than argue with each other.

Thanks I have submitted my question.

So, have you?

I have to say I was alarmed to hear someone describing their spouse as immature. I really hope you don't say that kind of thing to him out loud do you? That kind of harsh criticism is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Few men who believed this about themselves would succeed in life.

Fron your description above your H has a high emotional need for admiration. That's perfectly fine and normal - everyone needs some appreciation and it is nothing to do with a self-esteem problem.

However for people with this need criticism hurts even more than it would most people. That's why I want to check you haven't described him as immature. Complaints are very important however, even if he does not like them.

If you follow this programme you will get advice on how to phrase complaints cheerfully and clearly so he is guided towards earning the genuine admiration he needs.

If you are giving hollow compliments to appease his admiration need, that won't work - you need to work towards a place where you truly admire him. That's a win-win for you both.

He is responsible for making sure this need of his is met by providing you with the right conditions.

Would he be interested in Dr H's programe?