I little back story. My husband had an emotional affair with a coworker that lasted about a year from the information I gathered. It has been about 4 months since I found out and of course he lied and made me dig up information and he will just barely owned the stuff I found out. I think he was, if not in love with her, falling in love with her. He said she means nothing and is just a nice girl and co-worker. I was talking divorce because while this is the worst episode it's not the only. This one he move to touching (kiss and hugging, he said and her too) the other one were via email, facebook, he sign up on dating sites but never paid to finish the profile.

So we have been in counseling (he also did individual) and we seemed to me moving forward. Here is the issue. My husband talks about me behind my back. I would not mind if what he was saying was true and he had told ME of these feelings, because everyone is entitled to their feelings and need someone to talk with. To my face and the counselor he takes full ownership of the affair and says that I've been supportive and strong and it was all him. There was no need to have an affair. Behind my back he tell people I'm aggressive, negative and shows him no affection. Now, before the affair we were having sex like 3,4, 5 times a week. I'm a very playful person and I was always touching him in some way but he felt like that was not valid affection. Even if another couple is having an problem he thinks I'M the one that put the thought in the wife's head. He is trying to paint me in a very bad light and I know why. He wants to justify the things he has done before they come to light. So if people find out they can say oh, I know why you did it because they already think a certain way about me. He even had the woman he had the affair with thinking I would come after her so he gave her ALL my information so she could avoid me.

I have asked him over and over again if he has a problem with me and it oh no baby, I love you, you are fine. This is all my issue. I can't say how I know the things he says behind my back because he will figure out the person and that will lead to a LOT of bad things. But I have to find a way to deal with this or we are headed for a divorce. I've lost a lot of respect for my husband not just trust. These past few months I've seen a side of him that I just don't know if I can stick with. We have been married for over 15 years and I just don't understand this person or why he is doing the things he's doing. I'm his second wife and I've notice that he has been doing to me the same thing he did to his ex. He bad mouth her and all that to me and he is saying basically the same thing except the aggressive part and the sex because he said there was no sex. However, the women he has flirt and had EA with are perfect it seems. He has not said not one bad thing about them period and they were all married.

I feel stuck. To know that my husband is so two faced about me is a hard pill to swallow. And he does not tell everyone just people he knows (or think he knows) will not tell me like these women. To other people, I'm the best thing walking with a heartbeat. This is really making me run into a wall with rebuilding. We do have kids and one is extreeeemly sensitive. I mean will cry because the hail is going to hurt the animals trapped outside sensitive. I know if we separate the kids will be fine, but not without some damage I fear. I want to make this work but I also want to make it work with someone who is totally in my corner not his own corner. So I guess I'm trying to see if someone else had this issue and can you rebuild with someone like this. I find my husband to be oddly extremely selfish and extremely giving, and loving. It's a very weird combination. He will do anything (well besides stop these EA and talking about me it seems) for me and the kids, I really don't understand him.

Welcome to MB. I'm sorry for your pain.

Your husband has had other affairs besides this one? How did you discover this latest affair? Does he still work with/have contact with this OW?

Examine all the conditions that led to his affairs; each one will need to be eliminated.


Here's what it takes to recover from an affair.

Was he married when you met him? Is he still working with these women?

Alis, yours is easier to answer, he was in the final stages of a divorce when I met him. It was no need for him to talk bad about his wife. I only asked why they were divorcing. She had already filed, moved and everything when we met and it was final before we started dating.

Longway and Alis,

I found out by complete accident. He was hesitant to say her name when we were having breakfast when he was talking about work. I asked what was the probably and why hesitate, he was like oh no reason. Then all of a sudden he had to get to work. I started searching as soon as I got home. I didn't think he would be stupid enough after the last time to be doing anything on his cell and I didn't start there but after a few days I checked and there is was tons of calls and emails.

This last one yes he still works with her but he has told her that it was over (of course) with me sitting there and he sent an email that they were to only speak about work only. Her husband knows so I think that but a halt to things for her too. It was really a bad situation. He has stop emailing her as far as I know but there are always ways around things these days. He blocked her number, personal. He has cut back on the time in her area to the point that it was noticeable. They have to deal with each other but not to the extent that they were. He was going to her side of the building way more than he needed to and they were calling and texting A LOT. He gave me his passwords and all that. As far as I can tell no money was giving but I can't be 100% sure because I wasn't looking for money spent on an affair but if there was it was a very small amount. I handle the finances so I question him if something does not look right. (another complaint behind my back but I've told him time and again that he too can work the finances, he always say I don't want anything to do with them.)

The other women he didn't work with one was 5 states away but they knew each other from years ago and he just never stop talking to her it seems, from what I could gather.

The other one was local but he backed out when she got aggressive and wanted him to come to her house. I saw that email and she was telling him he was scary and she hated him and she knew he wasn't going to do anything.

I have talk with a clergy and my sister knows so he has some accountability but even my sister is having a hard time believing the change it's that drastic.

Like you said we need to get to the reasons for all this and that is the part we can't get to because HE will not tell me how he really and truly feels probably for fear I will leave. But if you are so unhappy, you should want me to leave. Why stay where you are not happy?

Like I told the counselor there is nothing so special about the women that he needs them it's whatever he is seeking that is the problem. The faces of the women will keep changing if he doesn't face his issues, I just won't be here the next time to care.

Also, I'm several years younger than my husband. The last one he claimed was an midlife crisis (not the co worker, the girl from his past). Every time he introduces me to his co-workers or friends they always say he married up, or how did you trick her or something of that nature. I asked him if it bothered him he said no but then he throws up I know you are going to get me back by having and affair of your own.

Sometimes I think he WANTS me to have one so he can continue to blame me. He wants to have someone to take all this blame and him still come out looking good.

When Dr. Harley says to examine the conditions, he always says there are reasons but never excuses. Reasons are things like having friends of the opposite sex, flirting, travel, liberal access to the Internet.

An excuse is "mid-life crisis," "my spouse wasn't meeting my needs," etc.

Your husband has terrible boundaries around women and seems to enjoy trolling for them.

Your H must end contact with the OW, even if it means leaving his job. Either he or the OW must leave. And if she lives nearby, Dr. Harley recommends moving away. It is a terrible offense to you every time he goes to work to be anywhere near the OW, even if they change the name of their skanky relationship from affair to workplace communication.

Has his affair been exposed? Everyone should know about his multiple EAs and PAs. You need the support and he needs to see his disgraceful actions in the light of day.

Recovering the marriage is your call. He would need to drastically change his lifestyle to avoid any more affairs. If this is not possible, you are better off divorced and having no contact with him.

Have you read through the threads at the top of this forum?

Yes, I've read the threads at the top about Plan A, B and exposing and all.

I know the mid-life crisis thing is an excuse, I'm not making them FOR him, just trying to give some background on where we are now after all of this.

I'm a stay at home mom and he did try to move locations. That is something he is still trying to do, in the mean time he has to work.

Exposing is still and option and one that he seems to be trying to push me to that is where I'm at now. By him trying to paint me in a bad light he is almost forcing me to tell people why I act the way I do, which considering all he has done is still not bad at all.

I've read so much stuff about infidelity and rebuilding and possible divorce it's not even funny. This crap HE has pull has consumed all my free time AND time I can't afford to give but had no choice for the past few months. I've finally found some peace because I've made up my mind on what I will and will not tolerate but this has thrown me for a loop. Just when I was starting to trust that he AT LEAST was trying to work and make this better he pulls this crap.

I requested the NC and that was done with no problem but I feel that like I said before women are everywhere and if he can't find whatever it is he is looking for, no amount of NC or me policing him is going to stop him from cheat or breaking these boundaries.
Like I said the faces will just keep changing. He will not be happy with anyone until he figure out what it is he is looking for, not me not the OW, not the next woman or the one after her.

So I appreciate the advice, we have explored all the options on the job and the OW and I've actually move past that. If he wants to talk to her he will figure out a way new job or not. Moving away if you WANT to talk to someone is just false security. They may stop the physical part but they can still talk, flirt, facetime, KIK, likelike and all sorts of other ways to talk.

We are doing this rebuilding after infidelity but the behind the back talking it what MY issue is right now. He is attentive, remorseful, apologetic all of that but for some reason he still feels the need to talk behind my back, but only to people he thinks MAY not tell me. I can't quite figure that out. I mean I know I feel like he is laying some, just in case, ground work to try to make himself look good but even if it's going to blow up in his face, so I don't understand.

This is my last hoorah, he knows this I've been more than patient with him and when this is done, if it is done, he will have to explain what happen to our kids. I'm not doing it and he can't say I didn't try to work this marriage out and I think this is part of his laying of negative foundation. He will say that I was trying to work it out, I did everything she asked and she still left, so it is her fault the marriage didn't work because he doesn't know I know the stuff he is saying.

Hi rebuilding, welcome to Marriage Builders. One of the first steps towards saving your marriage, if you are interested, would be exposure. Please go read the thread linked in my signature and come back and we will talk.

In order to recover from his affair, he will need to make some radical changes to his life so he does not come into contact with women. He will need to be completely transparent with you, holding back nothing. Shared passwords, integrated lifestyle, no friends of the opposite sex. He probably needs to avoid working with women.

Does his employer know about the affair? If not, they should. People who have affairs in the workplace are a walking liability to the company.

He will need to have Extraordinary Precautions for life. So will you. The Harleys have always practiced EPs and neither ever had affairs. EPs will make affairs essentially impossible.

Recovery also involves creating a romantic, passionate, and safe marriage where you are both in love with each other. That's what recovery from an affair takes. Prevention of another affair and a great marriage. If these two things happen, you can have a great marriage. If these two things don't happen, you will resent him for years and he is likely to have more affairs.

Do your children know about their fathers affairs? If not, they should know. Dr. Harley recommends exposure to family, friends, and to children as young as four.

If you want him to stop talking about you behind your back, then you will need to complain about it respectfully and keep it on the front burner. But the biggest problem in your marriage right now is the lack of protection and care in your marriage.

Recovery from an affair is a tough road with no allowances for deviations. The reward at the end is worth it, though. Otherwise, you will end up with a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

He can no longer work with the OW if you want to save your marriage. And he should not work with women period. He should also eliminate any other avenues of contact, such as email, facetime, facebook, etc. He will have to completely and dramatically change his life so that he CAN'T cheat. If he "can figure out a way' then he needs to eliminate that way or you will never be safe.

We are not suggesting a "false sense of security" but a REAL SECURITY. Wouldn't you feel "secure" if you were with him 24/7? That is the kind of precautions you will have to take if you are serious about affair proofing your marriage.

Just because these steps are HARD does not mean that you just give up. If you want to give up and avoid affair proofing your marriage, then you should just get divorced.

You shouldn't "police" him. He should make his life so transparent that it is impossible to cheat. Otherwise you should get a divorce because he will have more affairs. Unless you are ok with that.

You shouldn't "police" him. He should make his life so transparent that it is impossible to cheat. Otherwise you should get a divorce because he will have more affairs. Unless you are ok with that.

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Of course not, not one wants to deal with affairs. At this moment, he is making is life transparent. No facebook, emails from work I can check in anytime because I have the password.

His life is not transparent. You can't see him at work. He has had affairs there and his OW works there. One of the first steps towards recovery is changing the environment that made the affairs possible. That has not happened.

Has this changed? Did your husband quit this job?

You know I was taking to my sister and I wonder if I'm not half way trying to sabotage this marriage myself. I haven't 100% told him quit his job or else because I think half of me wants him to screw up again so I can move on. The other half is saying is he wants this marriage he will do what he needs to and keep his hands, mind and other body parts to himself, I shouldn't have to put baby in a corner to make him behave.

How can you work around no women, they are everywhere and he will only behave because there is no one to mess with? I just can't deal with the only way my husband will be faithful is to remove ALL women which is impossible. And yes, if he can find a way HE should block that way to talk to a woman if he is tempted.

I'm not giving up because it is hard, I don't mind the hard work but HE has to WANT this and not just to my face and with the counselor behind my back, what is he doing, thinking and saying that is the true test. While I DON'T think he is messing with any women, I think he has gone into some type of image repairing. Since the people he's telling this stuff too don't know what he is even trying to repair MY image is suffering. When it does come out (and it will if he keeps this up) they will either think OH, I see why she acted the way she did or they will think OH, I see why he did what he did, but only a person who has cheated would think this...and one person he is telling this too has.

As far as I know, there are not any more female friends. After the girl from his past, he stop talking to women as "friends" until this co-worker and this was 2 years later, then it lasted a year.

I won't be telling my kids, that is something I will absolutely NOT do, I don't care if Jesus himself comes down and request that from me. Everyone else is far game, though.

No his employer doesn't no really. He knows something is up but I don't think he 100% knows. I really don't care if they are a liability, that is on them. If they are stupid enough to keep it up then oh well.

The romance I really don't mind doing and I want too. It's hard to be romantic though when that person is talking about you (and lying to do it) though. I was trying very hard to plan fun things, be romantic, try new things but what is the point if you are going to STILL try to make me out to be something else to certain people. He think he is so slick and that is what is irking me and has me stuck at this wall during our recovery. Instead of us moving on to be happy and have a fun healthy marriage he is trying to cover his butt before it is even exposed.

You really need to expose immediately. Exposure is not to punish the spouse or shame him; it's done for accountability for him and for support for you. Everyone ought to know about it. Don't tell him you're going to do it. Just do it.

Have you read the exposure thread? Exposure should be done even you decide to divorce. Everyone should know of his affairs.

Did you ever speak with his ex-wife? Do you know the reasons for his divorce? Did he have affairs in his first marriage?

Oh and I want to thank you too for helping me through this. I know it is very difficult when people will not do the things the way some theories are set up to deal with some situations so don't get irritated with me. I will get there probably but it will take me a bit of time. This is still semi new being only a few months old.

You would be surprised at the support you could receive from your friends and family. Infidelity is very common and very devastating. Some of your friends have probably gone through this horrible experience and could be supportive to you.

It's a shame not to tell your children the source of tension in your marriage. It's a life lesson to them. They need to know what's going on in their lives. They can handle the truth.

Listen, if you don't care about saving your marriage, we understand. Any betrayed spouse has the right to leave after an affair. But if you want to recover your marriage, you came to the right place. But you'd need to follow the guidance here.