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Originally Posted By: Blackbirdfly
I'm not willing to stop contact with him as he makes me happy in a very difficult time in my life. I know this does not follow marriage builders at all and obviously I suck at my life but I'm trying.


You need to leave this woman's husband alone, BBF. It has nothing to do with "following Marriage Builders" but everything to do with simple common decency. Why would you want to hurt others like this? Do you want to put this man's wife through the very same ordeal you have been through?

Leave this woman's husband alone....


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Originally Posted By: Blackbirdfly
I'm not willing to stop contact with him as he makes me happy in a very difficult time in my life. I know this does not follow marriage builders at all and obviously I suck at my life but I'm trying.


You need to leave this woman's husband alone, BBF. It has nothing to do with "following Marriage Builders" but everything to do with simple common decency. Why would you want to hurt others like this? Do you want to put this man's wife through the very same ordeal you have been through?

Leave this woman's husband alone....




x2


D-Day 1 - May 4, 2012

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You are ruining the man's marriage. You are ruining his life. You are victimizing someone against their will...........his wife.


Even if he never left her, it IS HURTING HER.

It is cruel.


Stop talking to the man.

Either continue in your own marriage or file for divorce, become single and find a single man to meet your needs.

Don't be a thief and steal intimate conversation and affection that belongs to someone else.

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Originally Posted By: Blackbirdfly
Yes I did tell him.

And I don't think I will be destroying anyone's marriage. I'm not looking to interrupt his life....and well...mine kind of already isn't doing all that well.

Interrupt his life? What about he's wife's life? Does she get a say in this? What about his kid's life?

What did Dr. Harley say?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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What does the Bible say about this?
It says adultery is sin and coveting is sin.
You cannot pray to God for help while breaking His rules and expect a miracle, much less His blessings.

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Originally Posted By: Blackbirdfly

And I don't think I will be destroying anyone's marriage. I'm not looking to interrupt his life....and well...mine kind of already isn't doing all that well.


I think that I'll unsubscribe to this thread because this poster is pathetic beyond all comprehension.

A pleasant week to the rest of you! smile


Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2

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Originally Posted By: Blackbirdfly
I'm not willing to stop contact with him as he makes me happy in a very difficult time in my life. I know this does not follow marriage builders at all and obviously I suck at my life but I'm trying.


You are not trying...this is untrue. You know darn well you are helping to undermine and destroy a BW's marriage. Just admit, you don't care and feel justified...I could at least believe that since it's the truth. And yes you do suck for doing this to another person's marriage.

Quote:
I think my marriage is probably beyond the help of marriage builders but hopefully we will work something out. I don't intend to divorce and I don't think he does either.


Are you ever going to be tired of being a doormat or victim?


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Originally Posted By: Blackbirdfly
I can't ask him to leave now, he has been on very best behavior


You can leave. You choose not too. Big difference.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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How are you doing?

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I check in here now and then when I'm ready for an emotional beating.

I'm not doing very well. My husband is still on good behavior, but I spend every day thinking about how I don't love this person anymore. However, we get along fine and we have kids...so I guess this is my life and I'm staying.

I feel like there is this definite line....shift....in my life since things started trickling out in January. There's my life before January, and my life after. Life was ok before...it is not ok after. It has been long enough that I feel things have settled into my new reality.

I don't even fully understand this.....because there were lots of problems before, and I was able to pick up and continue loving him anyway, over and over, I would rebuild, love would regrow. But I feel I have scraped the bottom of the barrel and there is simply not one grain of love left to build on.

He went to counseling a few times....but hasn't gone back and I haven't asked. He says he has stopped all the other bad behaviors, but I don't check. There hasn't been any obvious sign of it. We took a cruise together....it became glaringly obvious that we are not in a fixing stage at this point. So we will maintain what we have as co parents and a fake marriage.

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You are in the state of
withdrawal.

You must put in over 15 hours together meeting each others needs of
recreational companionship
affection
conversation
etc.

You need to check up on him too. That will create an environment of trust (ironically).

You fall romantically in love with people who you
spend quality time with.

Dang it girl.....that is just the facts.

Stop talking despair and lack of care.

You can be better than ever. Better than pre-January.

With work and making him work for it.







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Are you still involved with OM?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I would not say involved. I would say good friend...I am attempting to focus romantic interest on my husband bc I realize my goal is to try and stay married. It has been really nice to have someone to talk to and we are only friends.

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Thank you for the advice....I have been frustrated over my whole situation and feelings and have been out of the habit of listening or reading mb advice....and some I don't totally agree with. But I do feel like spending quality time together helps and we have started working on that, even though at this point it very much feels like I'm just going through the motions (I didn't tell him that).

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Originally Posted By: Blackbirdfly
I would not say involved. I would say good friend...I am attempting to focus romantic interest on my husband bc I realize my goal is to try and stay married. It has been really nice to have someone to talk to and we are only friends.


Semantics.

He is your OM.

You share emotional conversation with another man when in withdrawal with your husband.

He is the roadblock to your recovery.

But you want the security of an intact family while enjoying his emotional connection.

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Originally Posted By: Blackbirdfly
I would not say involved. I would say good friend...I am attempting to focus romantic interest on my husband bc I realize my goal is to try and stay married. It has been really nice to have someone to talk to and we are only friends.

Have you read this?
The Risk of Opposite-sex Friendships in Marriage

Do you find yourself wanting a romantic interests in this OM?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Developing a romantic interest with your husband is very doable, but you have an intentional roadblock in your path to a successful marriage.

As long as your friendship is more important to you than your marriage, you will be unable to reconnect with your own husband.

Will you end this opposite sex "Friendship"?

LTL

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Originally Posted By: Blackbirdfly
It has been really nice to have someone to talk to and we are only friends.


He is meeting your EN of conversations and making love bank deposits, perhaps massive ones. Have you read SAA, do you recall the chapter about guarding your love bank?


FBW 36 (me)
DH 35
DD6,DD4,DS1
On Recovery
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I have surviving an affair...but don't know that I ever got that far into the book. One of my main problems is even having the desire to work on things. I feel like I just don't care to fix it....how do you force yourself to put in all of the work, and when does it ever stop feeling like work?

Will I ever look at him and not be upset or angry or bitter about everything? I met him when I was 16...now I'm a few months from 32 and I think how I have literally spent half of my life with this man, maybe I was too young and we aren't meant to be....but I know dr. Harley also says anyone can be in love....but I still have strong doubts with so much bad history between us.

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Are you in contact with Dr. Harley and following his advice for your situation?

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