My wife and I are Christians, have been married nearly 32 years and compared to most marriages I know, it's a good but not great marriage. Within the past year my wife was promoted to a position in her company which causes her to often work 10-11 hour days. Most evenings she comes home, eats dinner with me, and then crashes on the couch in front of the TV (often sleeping there the rest of the night rather than coming to bed). She gets up the next morning and does it all over again. Needless to say, it's difficult to spend 15 hours of undivided attention with her.

I've become quite annoyed with this but this annoyance has also carried over into other areas in which I've become hyper-critical of her (directly and privately). I don't see much in terms of spiritual growth or physical activity. It also seems we have less in common than before. She does take medication for depression which seems to be having the desired effect. However, I would love to take walks with her but she's always too tired. Our sex life could also be better and more frequent as it is once a month currently. Lastly, I've noticed she appears to be a different person when she's around others (e.g., from work) - almost two-faced, using language or making comments that aren't what I consider consistent with the Christian walk. She has no problem spending money to get her nails done weekly, a monthly massage, and occasional shopping sprees (all to satisfy her needs). I've also expressed concern when she has gone out with certain friends and has had too much to drink in my opinion (e.g., 5-6 drinks with dinner then driving home 5-6 hours later).

I've probably said enough. Any thoughts or suggestions?

Hi will, welcome to marriage builders. Your wife would be immensely happier if had a romantic, passionate marriage but she does not know this. As a result, she has checked out of the marriage and is deriving her happiness elsewhere. If you could sell her on the premise that it is possible to make your marriage the happiest part of her life, there is a strong likelihood she would join you in this program.

I would learn everything there is to learn and then sell it to her. The best place to start would be the free daily radio program and the book Fall in Love, Stay in Love and Lovebusters. FILSIL will teach you the basics of marriage builders and lovebusters will teach you how to attract her to you by eliminating lovebusters. Doing that will make it more likely that she will be willing to spend time with you.

This article has a summary of the program: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8114_plan.html

There are those of us here who have been married 32 years and have romantic, passionate marriages. You have come to the right place. Your biggest problem will be convincing your wife that a great marriage is possible. As it stands now, your wife doesn't have any reason to work on the marriage. Her life is OK.

However you approach this, you have to be respectful and avoid all lovebusters. That is going to be really hard. I would start by telling her how *you* feel about things. Don't lecture her about what she is doing wrong. Tell her that you are not content with the status quo in your marriage, and that you want to work with her in creating a marriage that better meets the ENs of both of you. Listen to what she tells you in response, and don't assign motivations or intentions to her. Talk about what you know about, that is, yourself and how you feel. If you are sincere, she will most likely choose to join you in the effort to improve your marriage.

It does sound like she's exhausted. But is it a good exhaustion (emotionally fulfilling) or a bad exhaustion (emotionally draining)? It sounds like a bad exhausted. How are her Emotional Needs ranked?

Antidepressants and mood stabilizers are known to often cause depressed libido.

Whether or not she is behaving as you think she should, she is an adult and is permitted to 'use language or make comments that aren't what you consider consistent with the Christian walk.' If it is hurting you, it's an Annoying Habit or an Independent Action and a Love Buster. Something for you to discuss, but not for you personally to 'fix.' You need to work together to get to a place where you are actively seeking to fill the emotional needs of each other. Yes, according to scripture, a wife must be in subjection to her husband, but he must love her like his own body as Christ loved the congregation. Christ doesn't stoop and criticize us when we're not living up to his example.

It could be an emotional need for Financial Support and she feels like you're not providing sufficiently for her, and so she must take charge of it instead, leaving her both drained emotionally and exhausted. She might need you to offer her an alternative to watching television, something that would leave you both feeling more fulfilled in the evenings and more likely to share the bed. I can't imagine regularly putting in overtime like that, especially if I hated it. I'd rather live in a tent, if my wife and I are getting our ENs met, than waste my life in the mines and coming home empty.

Also, television is horrible. Sure, some shows are encouraging and upbuilding, but it's so easy to just become a zombie and watch hours of awful drek. My wife would get actively mean and nasty when she watched too much daytime television (Oprah, The Doctors, Doctor Phil, soap operas) and she didn't even notice until she stopped watching so much television. Now we watch Netflix together sometimes, or binge watch series while we play computer games / pursue other interests mutually.

It really sounds like she isn't getting enough recreation time PERIOD, let alone sharing it with you. She may feel like she needs to drink to 'let her hair down' and that's a path to so much trouble.