I think this is a great step.
When my wife raises her voice/swears at me (and/or other lovebusters), I want to avoid her.
And during that time, it makes meeting her needs much harder.

Abuse is not advice.

Preying on the vulnerable shows poor character, and you do yourselves no credit by defending that behavior.

There is good advice on the site, but this forum is not working out for me. Goodbye.

Dr Harley has said that the spouse with the greater need has to accommodate the spouse with the lesser need.
Have you asked your husband what would it take for him to look forward/ enjoy SF?

Just incase you ever check back...

I have noticed on the forum when ever SF is an issue, it is suggested to eliminate porn* because of the contrast effect. Because it is unfair to compare your spouse with those "actors/actresses" and also those acts with what takes place in your relationship.

*But this could be taken to include romance novel and movies...if you are unfairly comparing reality with the pictureque and fairy tales.

June Cleaver doesn't have a good marriage full of romantic love, though. Meeting the emotional need for domestic support will NEVER create intimacy. Even if it is what a husband says he wants.

Dr. Harley explains that when a spouse is in withdrawal, they rate the less intimate emotional needs as being more important. A spouse in withdrawal will rate domestic support or financial support over conversation or sex. But Dr. Harley doesn't focus on those needs with a couple - regardless of how they rank their needs, he focuses on getting them to meet the four intimate emotional needs: conversation, affection, recreational companionship, and sexual fulfillment. This is done with his policy of undivided attention.

This is what MelodyLane was suggesting to you, but you took kind of a left turn and ended up talking about June Cleaver and domestic support, which will not accomplish anything. So don't steel yourself up to be June Cleaver - instead, follow Dr. Harley's basic advice, which is to get out of the house alone with your spouse for fifteen hours a week having fun together.

I'd like to help you see how to get what you want out of your marriage, but I'm not clear on exactly what your basic complaints are. If you are just feeling detached, the fifteen hours is the solution. If you are wanting more sex, the fifteen hours is a part of the solution (and getting your husband checked our for possible testosterone supplementation may be the other part). If your husband is demanding, disrespectful, or angry toward you, we need to address that before we can really get to the meeting of the emotional needs.

DON'T bury your husband under relationship discussions. These will drive him nuts and drive him away from you. MelodyLane very helpfully gave you an insight here into how he will feel about this and what he will think about it. As you said, it irked you, but she is right! So don't leave because you are irked - MelodyLane is helping you avoid a serious mistake. Instead of hours of relationship discussions that he will HATE, go have fifteen hours of fun that he and you will ENJOY, and you will save your marriage.

It sounds like you are starting with the preconception that relationship discussions are the solution and rejecting MelodyLane's advice because it doesn't agree with that, but maybe I am misunderstanding.

In summary avoid these mistakes:
* Don't have a bunch of relationship discussions with your husband
* Don't waste time being June Cleaver
And make this behavioral change:
* Spend fifteen hours a week outside of the house alone with your husband having FUN together

Further reading, from Dr. Harley:
* States of Mind in Marriage (i.e., withdrawal)
* The policy of undivided attention
* The critical importance of undivided attention

Being June Cleaver doesn't keep the marriage from being a drudgery and obligation.

I don't value my wife for the domestic support she provides. Frankly neither she nor I can provide all of the domestic support all of the time. Sometimes she is really on top of it, sometimes I am, sometimes neither one of us is.

I value my wife for the fantastic relationship we have together. The time together, the conversations, the affection, the fun, and of course the sex. Even when the house is in total disarray I still value that. And before we fixed our relationship, her trying to become June Cleaver wouldn't have helped anything.

You listed one date (possibly fun, assuming he enjoyed it) and then went on to domestic tasks and outfits. That's not paradise for a husband. That's loneliness.

No one has been abusive. You haven't been called names or verbally assaulted. We're asking questions to figure things out and give you steps that we took to make miserable marriages fulfilling marriages.

You may not hear what you want or even like what you hear but it's the objective truth. I mentioned it and Markos mentioned it--the apple outing and cutting up apples. That's called recreational companionship and domestic support. You might think these things are acts that make a good wife but if doesn't agree, you're spinning your wheels.

When you're ready to listen and apply, we'll be here

You were "unkind" to her, after she took time out to help you, not only on this thread but also the last.

You come across as a very unpleasant person to try to discuss things with. Can't help but to wonder if that's a part of the problem in your M.

I would read and re-read the section in Lovebusters having to do with disrespectful judgements. Become an expert in avoiding them. Because I don't think your M can survive too much more of this love busting.

Lilyjane, if your comments here reflect how you speak with him during these talks then I can assure you that you are heading for divorce. It doesn't matter how many June cleaver moments you do, being dismissive and sarcastic when trying to "find a solution" (capitulate to agree with you) will cause anyone, even your husband, to just stop caring.

If someone is always wrong, then why on earth would they talk for 9 let alone 90 minutes? Do you realize that you are the only one who can be right? I don't think my h and I have ever discussed issues beyond 15 minutes. That is into the realm of rehashing and arguing and bopping someone over the head with your opinion, not a solution.

Hon, there is more to being an amazing wife than having domestic skills down to a fine art.

If you want to be a truly amazing wife, you will need to listen to the constructive criticism and change the way you go about things. What you are doing is not working, and what you did in the past didn't work either.

Why not try something different?

Treating your husband the way you do will not get you what you want. You are on a path that leads to the destruction of your marriage. Please heed the warnings of those who have been there.

If you recover your marriage, you will not need to boast to us about what an amazing wife you were -- your husband will praise what an amazing wife you are today. That is far more rewarding. Would you like to have that?

You have every right to expect your needs to get met.
However, the way you have been trying to reach that goal simply will not work. You must change your approach.