I am a returning member of MB. I quit coming a long time ago because my husband was on board with the concepts and principles in theory, but not in practice. It seemed to make things worse instead of better. I'm back because I am asking myself if its time to call it quits. Its not a question I take lightly and not something I want. But I am very unhappy with the way things are in our marriage. I love my husband with all my heart and don't want to live without him. He is a good man with a great sense of humor. He is charming and generous and can be very sweet and affectionate. The problem is 75-80% of the time he is not present in our marriage: physically, emotionally or verbally. He chose a profession that involves him being gone allot. This June, we will be married 14 years. 2 years ago in an attempt to help him understand why I felt abandoned to basically raise our kids, take care of household and finances and animals alone, I figured up the time he'd been home versus the time he'd been gone for work. He'd been gone 8 years of our then 12 year marriage. It seemed to make an impact when I showed him in black and white indisputable proof. He immediately made a choice to demand at least half the month off so he could have more time at home. This helped improve the issues in our marriage. Unfortunately, it didn't last. He gradually started working more and more till now he's home even less than he was before. He has been home 2 weeks out of the last 7. Our communication has deteriorated. There is no intimacy and very minimal affection. I don't want to live with out my husband, but the truth is I already am. My attempts to discuss how I feel with him has been met with apologies and promises that things will improve. But instead of improving, we grow farther and farther apart every day. I don't turn to him when I need to talk much anymore, I don't trust him or depend on him anymore, as much as I want affection, I find it hard to accept it, I miss sex but have no desire.

Is it time to call it quits?

Tamak

Yes, it is. Have you read the article, When to Call it Quits? When to Call It Quits
(Part 1)

tamak,

So sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time, but welcome back to MB. Your question was answered already but I just wanted to 2nd it so you feel more confident with you choice. If you don't already listen to MB radio I would also recommend that you do that on a regular bases.

You may also want to consider sending Joyce Harley an email at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com to get some help for Dr H. I which you good luck as you fight for a emotionally fulfilling marriage.

MelodyLane,

I read Part 1 last night before I posted. With the exception that my husband has never said anything about unconditional love, I can relate to the wife in that letter. You are confirming what I know but I guess I needed to hear someone else say it. I'm afraid. I love him so much. I know he loves me and he says he misses me all the time when he's gone, but it he chooses to be gone anyway. I have been here before and did part A, but when it came time for part B, I chickened out. I'm afraid he won't notice I'm gone. He already lives independently of me. Or if he notices, the only reason he'll want me back is to take care of things like I do now.

life4799,

Thank you for sharing your opinion. Oh wow. To have both of you confirm what I believe I need to do makes it so real. I just don't know if I have the strength to do it...

I have put myself in a very difficult position. I am dependent on my husband financially. I have worked some on and off during our marriage, but ended up quitting because we never had any time together at all because of his work schedule. He is self employed as a consultant in the oil field and I take care of his bookkeeping, along with everything else. His one and only contribution is earning the money...well and in all fairness, he does the yard work and fixes things when he's home if it was something that could wait till he got home. But he has a procrastinators attitude about everything except his job. A major source of contention is after 3 years, he still has not gotten incorporated, so our taxes are incredibly high every year. We're still paying the IRS from his first year consulting. Even if I get a good paying job, I don't know if I can afford to support myself. I would want to stay in our house. Its more my home than his anyway, plus there is no housing available any where near where we live right now because there is an oil boom here. Many oil field workers are living in RVs all around here and the surrounding towns because nothing is available, even all the hotels are full. Even if something did become available, even the crappiest apartments cost twice as much as our house payment right now. It took one of the women a year to get her ducks in a row before she could implement plan A. I don't know if I can stand to live like this for another year. At the same time, I don't know if I can stand to live completely without my husband. This conundrum is why I posted. A part of me is already - metaphorically - out the door, the other part is firmly planted, afraid to budge.

tamak, why don't you visit an attorney and find out your rights? If you asked your husband to move out, he might be obliged to continue to pay all your bills, which is very likely.

Awhile back, I resigned myself to live with the status quo and basically live as friends and roommates when my husband is home. Our relationship feels mostly like a friendship/roommate situation anyway, with occasional benefits. I thought I might as well let him keep supporting me financially since I basically live alone anyway and at least I would have someone to do something with when he did come home. We took up golf 3 years ago in an attempt to find something we both like to do together. That's pretty much the only thing we do together besides going to friends BBQs or having friends over for a BBQ from time to time. I decided it was a fair trade since I take care of his bookkeeping, household finances, our pets and household in general.

I was nearly in a head on collision last week. It was so close, I really thought I was about to die. The Grace of God is all that saved me, because there is no other way I came out of it unscathed. When the adrenaline and shock wore off, I realized just how short life really is and how quickly it can end. That was when I realized I wasn't satisfied with the status quo anymore. I just haven't figured out how to get from where I am now to where I want to be.

MelodyLane,

Would it be fair to ask him to continue supporting me? I think he would do it if I asked him. He is very generous and helps friends financially all the time. I'm pretty sure he would be willing to help me, at least till I got on my feet. I just don't know if that would be right. Especially if I want to do plan B....isn't a big part of plan B being totally independent of him?

tamak

I believe in Texas you would still be supported buy him if you guys divorced so I think you should not look for the total independence if that is stopping you from implementing plan B. The next time he comes home I would implement Plan A and then request he make radical changes to meet you needs (such as considering changing is Job), if he fails to entertain your request I would implement plan B with the understanding that it's a separation not a divorce and that you would being willing to have him back when he is ready and willing to meet your emotional needs.

life4799,

I've been thinking about it since MelodyLane made the suggestion. I think the only way I would feel right about it would be if he pays me to continue on as his bookkeeper. The amount we claim he pays me for tax purposes would be plenty for me to support myself. I don't know how to handle the tax issue though....since we still owe so much, do we split that? If so there is no way I could afford to do plan B till that's paid. Since he still refuses to get incorporated so we can separate his business taxes from our personal, it will be a recurring debt that will never end, unless we win the lottery. Maybe I should start playing....

Much of this will likely be worked through legal channels. You should see a lawyer and find out what your rights and obligations are before basing your decisions on the finances.

LongWayFromHome,

I don't really want to do anything from a legal angle....I think my husband would interpret that as my being done with our marriage. He has a tendency to pick out one thing to focus on....If I go through legal channels, I'm afraid he won't hear anything about my willingness to reconcile if he'll make changes to meet my ENs.

tamak,

I don't think you should file any legal documents but you should get legal advice to understand your rights under the law. So you can plan out your Plan B in a way that would be similar to how it would be if you have to pull the trigger.

You can't expect him to take plan be serous if you don't? It would be unfair to him if he was clear that you are serious when you finally get to the point where you don't want to be divorced.

Your EN are very important and Plan B is suppose to help him see that and it is also suppose to help be ready to move on if it doesn't work out.

Just thinking about talking to an attorney makes me feel anxious and unsure if Plan A and B would be the right thing....

I emailed a request for a counseling session...

Did you email Dr. Harley?

Obtaining legal advice will be very helpful for you. It's simply to gather information so you can make a decision.

I sent the request through the coaching center. I don't imagine Dr. Harley will be the one to respond. He has too big a following to handle the counseling his self

Obtaining legal advice is a logical step. I'm not ready to take that step

You will probably hear from his wife Joyce Harley. Let the moderators know if you don't receive a response this week. Sometimes the emails go to spam instead of the inbox.