Hi Everyone. Been married 30 years. Had an affair 3 years ago with college boyfriend. Lasted 5 months. Husband discovered, we separated for 2 months. He forgave, asked me back home. We have 3 kids 22, 17, 16. I've done the steps of the recovery on this site, been completely open and willing to do anything. Husband literally has no friends - he's a loner, so he doesn't think he needs any. Won't go to small groups, won't go to counseling. Drinks two to three shots of whiskey every night (if he is developing a drinking problem, he's what's called a high functioning alcoholic - because he goes to work everyday and is responsible). He's mean and depressed when not drinking. He has a history thruout our marriage of being a bully, used to be physically abusive but that has stopped, is still verbally and emotionally abusive. Not an excuse for having an affair, but it is a reason. But now that he has that 'over me' he won't or can't let go. He refuses to have sex with me - he says he can't. I've asked him a dozen times what I can do to help, what I can do for him, what I can stop doing. He says its not me, that its him. He's depressed all the time - that or mean to me and the kids. But I was the WRONG one here, so I have a hard time saying anything. If I bring it up, he says 'you don't really want to know how I feel - it will just hurt you'. I say yes I do and he won't talk. Anyway, that's the background - now for the current question - when he acts badly or inappropriately or yells or cusses at me or the kids, I usually approach him and we hash it out, he'll apologize and we'll move on. Yesterday, in the church parking lot of all places, he pulled my son's hair (it's a little long) just teasing him but it was hard and my son got really mad. All he did was laugh at my son's reaction. I turned around and told him he needed to apologize that it was serious and he said 'f off' and we haven't spoken since. This is his pattern. He acts inappropriately but doesn't talk to me. Never approaches me with an apology. I always have to seek him out. My daughter was adamant with me about this time tho. She said do not approach him to talk. Don't do anything. He was wrong here, let him approach you. But I want to do the Godly thing - but I don't know what that is. It boils down to this. I know the affair was awful and how much it hurt him. I'm willing to do anything to save our marriage and help him recover. I've done the steps and I continue to pray for him. But its as if he's making me suffer everyday. If it were just me maybe I could handle it but he makes the kids suffer too. Before the affair, he sees his life as perfect. He was the leader of 3 bible studies, important and needed in our church, friends. Since the affair, he has torn away from his friends, won't be in a small group, let alone lead one, he goes to church but is on his smart phone the whole time looking up game scores, is drinking more, meaner, sadder, refuses to get help. What is the Godly thing to do here? Am I to continue to subject my kids to his behavior? He blames the affair and me for destroying everything. Please advise and thank you.

Honey, Im not sure if this is entirely marriage builders advice, but I would leave. You are in an abusive marriage and while no- its not an excuse for the affair, its not worth staying with an abuser and showing your kids that thats what marriage is. Your husband doesn't seem willing to make any effort to change and make his own life better. You deserve better, and so do your kids.

Read this article:
Coping with Infidelity: Resentment

Before you attempt the proper advice in Prisca's post, please tell us how your affair ended, if there is or was any continued contact with your affair partner, what conditions allowed the affair to take place, who and how was the affair exposed to, were the children exposed about what occurred and by whom, and also precisely what EP's (Extraordinary Precautions) have been implemented to affair proof your marriage?

LTL

Have you started to follow the recovery plan in Surviving an Affair?

Do you have Undivided Attention time of 20 hours a week together?

I have read that entire article - here's the problem. As stated in my original post - my husband is a die-hard loner. He doesn't want to spend time with me. This was his way even before the affair. Occasionally we had a date night without the kids but it was always for me. This isn't just talk either - I've lived with him for over 30 years. He doesn't like attention, let alone undivided attention. He likes taking walks, hiking, boating, reading, tinkering in his workshop, doing yard work - all these things bring him happiness - not time with me or his family. He does do the family things but it's for us - not him. So that article does nothing to address men like this. I've asked him consistently 'what can I do for you' 'is there something you'd like from me that i'm not doing'. He always says the same thing - no, it's me - not you. And NOW - I couldn't begin to do the undivided attention thing because he isn't speaking to me because of the blow up at church. My Christian friends have been adamant that he is playing a control thing with me - trying to break me down. Trying to get me to come to him and that I should wait for him. I'm afraid that I might be in for a long wait. I hate the silent treatment.

This jumped out at me in your 1st post:

Quote:
Before the affair, he sees his life as perfect. He was the leader of 3 bible studies, important and needed in our church, friends. Since the affair, he has torn away from his friends, won't be in a small group, let alone lead one,
Unquote:

So, it seems as if he used to have friends PRIOR to your affair.

Answer the questions that i previously asked that were not replied to please.

I don't feel that he feels you have given him JC, Just Compensation, even if he doesn't know what that would be, but he is not the same person he used to be. That's glaringly obvious.

LTL

If he will not have UA with you, then there is no hope for your marriage. UA is an essential component of Just Compensation.

Have you presented this recovery plan to him? Have you talked to him about UA?

You cannot wait forever. It will destroy you emotionally and physically. He either needs to join you in recovery now OR you need to separate.