Hello all,

I have an abusive spouse who abuses emotionally. The major signs of abuse in our marriage are the following:
1. Controlling Behavior � controls where I go, when I go, unnecessary questions, such as who (women) was there, did she say anything, how long I was out, wants to know details about my co-workers, etc.
2. Extreme jealousy � jealous of me and of other women.
3. Isolation � does not want me to go anywhere by myself, not even shopping so does that herself.
4. Verbal Abuse � puts me down, picks on me unnecessarily over small matters
5. Gets mad and verbally abusive if she doesn�t get her way

I have some questions and please chime in.
1. What is the difference between emotionally abusive wife and a possessive/insecure/jealous wife?
2. Do they (emotionally) abuse consciously � knowing that they are doing that?
3. What�s the solution to stopping them from continuing or for coping or not stressing as a husband?

Thank you.

Are you married? Is this a homosexual relationship?

Welcome to Marriage Builders. Have you read the Basic Concepts on this site?


According to Dr. Harley's research, good marriages follow what he calls the Policy of Radical Honesty: "Reveal to your spouse as much information about yourself as you know;
your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, personal history, daily activities, and plans for the future." Policy of Radical Honesty. Marriages that don't do this are usually bad marriages and very unsatisfying for both husband and wife. In fact, they are usually extremely emotionally and physically unhealthy for the wife.

In a good marriage, exchanging information like what your wife is asking for is very normal. I don't go anywhere without my wife's knowledge - we are an integrated part of each other's lives and we are best friends, so of course we tell each other everything.

It's disrespectful to refer to your wife's questions as "unnecessary." Of course they are "unnecessary" in that they aren't legally required - but they are necessary in order to have a good marriage, and they are necessary for her emotional and physical health.


This is not abuse - it is a normal emotional reaction. In a good marriage, husband and wife accept each other's emotional reactions instead of judging them, and adjust to each other by avoiding all behaviors that cause negative emotional reactions in each other.

My wife would be very jealous if I spent time with other women, so I don't do it. And I offer her complete transparency so that she can check up on me at any time to verify that I'm not engaging in behavior that would hurt her.


These behaviors are abusive - Dr. Harley calls them Love Busters and has a whole book about them.

I suggest you make a deal with your wife - show her the Policy of Radical Honesty and offer to begin following it with her if she will agree to go through the book Love Busters and eliminate selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, and angry outbursts. You will both benefit!


Most of those terms are just name-calling.


It doesn't matter - what you need is for her to eliminate demands, disrespect, and anger, and you need to stop engaging in behavior that she is not enthusiastic about.


Have you read the Basic Concepts on this site?

I think markos has given you a solid place to start and not that he needs it but I 2nd everything he says.

Let me answer some of the questions raised here or clarify a couple of things.
No, I have not read the Basic Concepts of this site.
When I say jealousy of other women, this is what I am talking about - she wants to know if female co-workers are married, how they look like, what they wear, how close do they sit to me in meetings, do our hands ever touch while training or sitting next to me, did I meet this woman, did she say anything to me in Church, etc. Do you consider these normal questions?
If you share any information to her, e.g. I met a certain so and so, then she starts to sound like we are flirting, etc. I have never had any extra-marital affairs and neither has she.
Ironically, she goes out shopping, etc. and does her things without telling me and I need to tell her every detail and worse still, she is not happy if I go shopping, etc. as there are questions when I come back.
By saying jealous of me, I mean it bothers her if people praise me for something and she tries to deflect credit to her. I am not for other people's praises but this is about her behavior.

Marcos,
In a "normal" relationship where a spouse is not possessive, you can openly share things but not when you have a spouse who is possessive/jealous, insecure where she will take things the wrong way. Thanks for your response though.

Any other advice/suggestions please?

One suggestion is that you not dismiss my advice - I'm not giving my own opinion, but the advice I've received from Dr. Harley, who is the expert who founded this site. Most of us destroyed our own marriages with our own personal opinions, then put them back together by using the material from Dr. Harley on this site.

Another suggestion is to read the Basic Concepts section on the site. During the sign up process for the forum, there's a question where you are asked if you've read those and you have to say yes to get in. Go read them.

Yes! Radical honesty - reveal everything to your spouse.


In marriage, everything we do affects each other. So there's no point in debating whether it is flirting, or an affair, or something else - if your wife is not enthusiastic about it, don't do it! You're hurting her by your behavior. The simple answer is to stop doing those things that bother her. No wonder she is asking you about it all the time.


Propose a deal to her where you will both agree to be radically honest from now on. Show her the Basic Concepts on this site - they will benefit you both.

VickyVJ,

Did you ever cheat on your wife, this may even have been while you were dating, and just tried to sweep it under the rug, or presume your wife recovered? Cheating can also include emotional attachment which is called an emotional affair or EA on MB.

Another possibility is that your wife is cheating on you and as they say the best defense is a good offense.

God Bless
Gamma

Are you married?

Can you give us an example? If your wife considers your behaviour to be flirtatatious, then shouldn't you change it? Even if you don't personally agree? The way you behave around women when she is present and when she is not should be exactly the same.

You shouldn't be getting bogged down in deciding that she is taking an action 'the wrong way'. If she dislikes something, eliminate it out of care. You are not the jury on what is the 'right' way to take something. You are a H who cares about his wife's feelings, right?




Very normal and very smart! The best way to reassure her is to be as open as possible, include her, show her. Invite her to your workplace at lunch and introduce her. Give no room to secrecy.

Dr Harley says some people's personalities are more jealous than others. He is not a very jealous person, but his wife of fifty years is. She covers his eyes when naked women are on TV! He think it is cute because he understands she loves him. As an MC he has also discovered that jealous people's protectiveness tends to prevent affairs so he assumes some protective behaviours, like radical honesty and snooping, even though he isnt' naturally jealous.

I am not naturally jealous either - that's how come it took me two years to find out about my H's affair.

Anyway, would you rather she treated you as someone who wasn't capable of inspiring her natural jealousy? If someone tends towards jealousy, then the only way to get them to stop is to get them to stop caring. The day she stops being jealous is the day you discover she has fallen out of love.




How does she 'control' you? If you mean she gets upset when you do things she dislikes, or disregard her, that isn't control - that's hurt.

You shouldn't be disregarding your wife's wishes about where you go or when - whatever makes you think you should? How will that make her happy or feel included in your decisions?

However if she punishes you with lovebusters, insults or anger then I'd agree it is control. Her simply getting hurt by the disregard isn't though.

Markos has given you an excellent guide for resloving this. I'd follow the Policy of Joint Agreement. Both of you.

"Never do anything without your spouse's enthusiastic agreement"

That includes any behaviour when she is not by your side.

Dr. Harley spent a large part of his Radio Show addressing this topic...a couple years ago? I can't remember the date of the broadcast.
He was clear that we don't call our spouse 'possessive"...and that we should try to make the spouse feel safe.
he said jealousy varies by person...and we should listen to our spouses concerns.

That is why, as a rule, we follow the Policy of Joint Agreement - Never do anything without enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse.

In your case, if your spouse is not enthusiastic about lunch or meetings with women...then you would have to look for a work environment without women to make her feel safe in this marriage.

There's a difference between the necessity for trust and honesty in a marriage, and a spouse's Emotional Need for honesty. It sounds like she may have an EN for honesty, above and beyond the requirement for radical honesty in the marriage.

In my own case, for example, I don't have an emotional need to know the details of my wife's daily interaction, except where those details might affect our relationship. I trust her to share any relevant information, rather than feeling the need to ferret it out. (This has backfired on me a time or two, but it's just how I am.) While others, who may have an EN for honesty, might feel afraid or mistrustful if their partners don't communicate their feelings and relationships as fully as they would like.

Emotional needs can't be legislated or wished away, as Dr. Harley wrote about the EN for Physical Attractiveness. Many women have responded to him quite fervently about how emotionally immature that is. But 'shoulds' aside, what is most important to your wife, and how can you make those needs your highest priority? But remember, you're not looking for compromise - that implies a lose-lose situation. You're looking for an agreement that satisfies both of you fully, a win-win.

For example, like Jedi_Knight said, you might think changing jobs is unrealistic, even if it would truly help her feel safer in your relationship. But if her need for honesty is far higher than her need for financial support, it may be the best bet in the long run. I'd be happy living in a van or a tent if my top needs were met.

It sounds like you might want to answer all of her questions, without judgement of her motives, and ask, "Wife, is there something worrying you? I don't mind telling you what's going on, but I'm concerned that I might be giving you reason to think my eye is wandering." It may just be that she needs more affection than you're giving, and making her feel insecure.

You can't be spending a lot of time together if you don't talk about your day and interactions with others. Keeping conversation to a factual need to know baseline would usually fail to meet most peoples need for RH and IC.

Thank you all for your responses. Someone had asked so a little background - yes, we have been married for the last 21 years and we have 3 kids. No, I have not cheated. It's interesting the overwhelming response on this board is that it is okay if one of the spouses is controlling/abusive towards another spouse/human being. Why should one spouse be walked over while the other can do/say/behave however she/he wants? Am I not supposed to have any self pride? We have been married up to this point mainly because I have tolerated her behavior. If the roles were to reverse, our marriage would not have lasted. Again, thank you all.

Nobody said that, of course - you are misrepresenting what was said. If you do this to your wife, I imagine she is not very satisfied with your marriage.

I don't see how I am misinterpreting that. Most of you are telling me whatever she wants or asks I need to answer pretty much of all of those. Funny thing is that for most of my marriage I did just that - I told answered her all her questions because there was nothing to hide. Things only got worse as she took advantage of my goodness and has made things miserable for me. It does not work if you are married to an abusive or unreasonable spouse. Major reason I catered for her was that my kids were young and I didn't want the marriage to fall apart. I think some of you don't really understand what some of us go through. But that's okay. Thank you all.

But I fail to see how that is "abuse" or "control." It's just normal interdependence.


Most of us have been to hell and back in our marriages. Those of us who recovered did so by using the principles on this site - including radical honesty.

It turns out only about 20% of marriages are actually happy - but those are the ones where the couples practice things like radical honesty, the policy of joint agreement, etc.

All of those things are explained in Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts.

The concepts that make for a good marriage have to be taken together. If you pick and choose and practice some but not others, it won't work. So - she needs to abstain from love busters like disrespectful judgments and angry outbursts; you need to abstain from independent behavior (such as interacting with members of the opposite sex in ways your wife is not enthusiastic about), you need to be radically honest and COMPLAIN to your wife about her love busters, such as being disrespectful and having angry outbursts.

It's not the radical honesty that brings about a marriage full of disrespect and anger - in fact, it's a lack of honesty that facilitates it. Radical honesty includes complaints about these kinds of behaviors.

Of course any abusiveness has to go. That's why we asked what abusiveness you mean.

The only thing you have mentioned is her asking questions. That isn't abusive.

Tell us what abuse and what she did that made things 'get worse'

It sounds like you wanted her to be happy with your answers and she wasn't.