I have been reading Dr. Harley's books all day long. I am trying really hard to not lovebust. I just don't know what to say. When he calls every other day or so, he says he is calling to find out how we are doing. I really want to tell him I am devastated, depressed, miserable, crushed, etc......, but I don't want to make him feel guilty, any more than he already does. I have been telling him that I really don't know how I am at this point, which is kinda true. I am so confused at this point, but want to say the things that will help us rebuild our relationship. What do I tell him? I think he is having doubts about what is happening, but I am not sure. He will not see me face to face. He tells me that he doesn't know how he feels right now either. I know that no one out there can tell me how he is feeling, but I could really use some advice on how to approach this. What do I say, how do I say it, etc...... HELP, PLEASE!!!!!!!!!<P>Sheryl W.

Tell him you miss him would like him to come home and that you love him. You could tell him you would be better with him at home. I know it would make him feel guilty. But that is part of the problem. They are going to feel guilty no matter what you do because they are in the wrong. If they don't feel guilty then you have a bigger problem. Hope this helps a little bit.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

I do tell him that I love him every time we talk. He just says "k". I tell him that he can always come home. I just don't know if I should tell him how miserable I am without him. Is that a lovebuster? I just want to say the right things to make him want to come home. Should I continue to say that I am still hanging in there, not say how depressed I am and how unhappy the kids are without him? I just don't know what is the "right" thing to say. Thanks for the help!!!<P>Sheryl W.

I not really a good one to tell you what to say. I haven't figured it out myself. But I do know there are no magice words that will make him come home until he is ready. Since you have read the books you know that the since he can't make a commitment to you that the affair will have to run its course. Until then nothing you say will get through to him. I know the pain you are going through I am still going through it my self and if I knew those magic word I would share them with everyone. But since I don't I think you should be as loving as you possibly be. I think tell him how miserable you are maybe a lovebuster. I have been told to make thing cheerful what you want to do is to make love deposit. and telling him how you really are wouldn't do that. Do you have children? if so talk to him about them. if he ask how you are tell him you are doing as well as can be expected under these circumstances. I know that there are others better at this then I am. I know that we will try to keep your post to the top so they will see you and help you. I wish Icould give you better advice tonight. BUt like I said my H doesn't even talk to me so I am not sure what to say. Hang in there <P>------------------<BR>di<P>

HI,<BR> It's a long road. I wish it weren't!! Although all cases are different, they are close to the same. Needs weren't filled for a long time, and they get them filled somewhere else. 97% of ALL affairs end. How long? It depends on the amount of hurt I guess. My W keeps saying "This is how I felt for 2 yrs." "It's gonna take time."<P><BR> I would try and find out WHAT needs (or think it out yourself) the OW fills that you don't. Read ALL of the info on this site and this board. <BR> <BR> Believe it or not WE (the betrayed) have to earn THEIR trust!! Hard to swallow but true. They need to Trust that WE and our Marriage can change and it will fit their needs MORE or the same as OP.<BR> It's VERY hard to swallow, really. But we have to put THEIR needs ahead of our own (True Love?) and when they are ready and feel "safe" enough to come back. Then, they will try to fit our needs.<P> Be a friend. If he talks about OW listen as much as you can. He will be telling you how to/not to love him. Better he talks to you about her than some "friend" that will ENCOURAGE the affair. And.... you will at least be on the "inside"<BR> Remember one thing though, they are living a lie so if their mouths moving they're probably lying (Mostly to themselves!! )<P> Try and eat and sleep right (you'll need your strength) try and NOT focus on "what they are doing, sex, etc.. It will only eat at you. It's probably NOT like you think. <P> Chances are REALLY good IT WILL END. Be a close enough friend to help him "pick up the pieces" God will reward you with a BETTER marriage than you thought possible (especially now!!) Good Luck and prayers, FRANK<P>------------------<BR>desperate<BR>"If yesterday didn't stop today, Why should TODAY stop tomorrow??" <BR>"Wisdom is why!!"<P>

Frank, I am so glad you saw this post. I was hoping someone like you would answer it. I am not doing so good but didn't want this cry for help go completely unanswered. <BR>Listen to what he says, because that is exactly how it is.

Thanks for the words of support. I just don't know what to do next. Should I not call him? Do I only wait till he calls here? We have a 5 yr. old daughter and a 15 yr. old son. Daughter refuses to talk to him on the phone. I try to encourage her to, but I won't force her. They had a really close relationship and she feels abandoned, rightfully so. I want him to hurt as badly as he has hurt her, but won't use her that way. I understand that it will take time, but I don't know what to do. I try to show my support of him, I listen to him when he calls and try not to burden him with the problems of our daily life. But is this being open and honest? I am still confused about what I should tell him and what I should keep to myself. I don't want to lovebust, but I also don't want to leave out details that will help him to realize what his has done to the family and to us. I want to be able to tell him how badly dd is hurt. She draws pictures of the family without him in them, all of us are crying. I feel he should see these, but am afraid to send them to him for fear of lovebusting. This is the most horrible situation I have ever been in. I am at a total loss as to what to do next.<P>Thanks for the kind words.<P>Sheryl W.