This isn't about marriage but about my family of origin. I'm posting here because of the wisdom and understanding of human nature and relationships of so many posters here. And of course, this does end up affecting my marriage!

I'm in my 30s. Things are really deteriorating with my mom. My mom is really unhappy with our relationship and she expresses it often. Whenever she complains about it I want to avoid her even more (it feels needy, manipulative and unpleasant and critical) and she gets even more upset and distressed about our relationship. I try to communicate this to her but she "can't help how she feels."
She was a single mom and she has no extended family (parents and sibling are gone) my sister lives with her (they don't get along at all) and my mom is pretty much raising my sister's child.

My mom is not toxic and was not abusive but was and continued to be a rather negative, serious, judgemental person. She is not fun to be around.

I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm a spoiled princess. She is also proud of me and agreed with my lifestyle and life choices. She does not admire, like or respect my sister and has always treated her poorly despite supporting her and taking care of her son. (She makes it clear to both of us that she would not have a relationship with my sister if my sister didn't have a child)

My mom learned a lot of bad habits from her TERRIBLE father. She sacrificed a lot for us and put us first and I have been committed to her for my entire life. I have spent every holiday with her and always talk to her at least weekly. I helped her move within a walking distance of where I live 10 years ago. She was able to retire early and live carefully but comfortably due to me providing a sizable gift every year (we are financially lucky)

We had a stable but unhappy childhood (but no abuse) I learned some really bad habits from my mom (that she learned from her parents) We grew up speaking harshly and being critical. My sister and I now have a strange but gentle relationship. My mom is harsh and critical to my sister and I am harsh and critical with my mom. My mom is not too overtly critical or harsh with me because she generally agrees with me and my choices.

I have struggled with the habit I learned of being harsh and critical and my marriage really suffered from my poor habits. I've been diligent in trying to eliminate this abusive (as I now see it) behavior. I really resent my mom for passing this behavior on to me. She may not deserve it but I am angry at her.

Anyway, my mom is very unhappy with our relationship and expresses it constantly. I'm starting to really resent her and find it to be a form of constant criticism. She is naturally so critical she doesn't even mean it. I am over-sensitive to it.

I'm grouchy, moody and annoyed most of the time around my mom now.

My husband is great with/about my mom and he thinks that if I make more effort to be sweet, kind and pleasant during the interactions we do have my mom will be happy with the AMOUNT of interaction we have. I'm not convinced. It's never been enough. My mom is lonely and she really wants more time and communication from me.

I feel stressed, annoyed and generally "brought down" after EVERY interaction with her. I've tried to tell her how her words and actions affect me but she feels that she can't or shouldn't have to change her "feelings" or her personality because those are things one can't change.

If my mom were posting she would be here complaining of the rude, spoiled, ungrateful child who wants nothing to do with her( This is a huge DJ on my part, I recognize that ) It seems to be how she feels She is completely hurt and baffled no matter how much I try to explain my point of view.

Any words of advice or wisdom?

Well, paying for her to move next door did not help the situation.

I would establish firm boundaries and be prepared to enforce them.
if the conversation is so unpleasant that you dread speaking with her, i would cut her out of your life.

But that's just my opinion.

You can email Dr. Harley for advice: mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

Thanks for the reply. We didn't pay for her house, just helped with logistics. I still don't see her very often. Regardless, we bought a house 25 minutes away that we have been remodeling. We are moving in the fall. I've felt very, very guilty about it. She is quite upset about it also despite the fact that it won't change much.

Marriage stuff factors heavily into our problems. Over the last 6 years my marriage has struggled. I've been often sad, depressed and distracted because of my marriage or things my husband has done. I won't talk to my mom about my marriage. She thinks my husband walks on water which works really well for my marriage! I don't need her to know hurtful things he's done etc. This has made her feel shut out. UA time comes before time with her and my sister/nephew and that makes her feel bad. (She doesn't see any other marriages with 3 set-in-stone date nights a week, of course!!) I get stressed if anything gets in the way of my UA time!

My marriage comes first but I would like to also have a better relationship with my mom.

My now deceased mother was judgemental. Somehow putting everyone else down made her feel better. With us she would dish out public, humiliating put downs and then she would brag about us behind our backs. I'm not sure which of those behaviours was the more poisonous. Anyway, I made a decision many years ago that I would not be like that. MB teaches us that we should leave childhood issues behind and work on who we are today.

I agree with Jedi, if your mother says or does something in front of you that you do not like, say so. Tell her when you feel she is critical. Use MB terminology "when you say that it makes me feel . . ." If she keeps going, leave the room or house. She cannot change her feelings but she can change the way she expresses those feelings around you. Tell her that being with her makes you gloomy. She is solely responsible for her behaviour, you are responsible for the way you react to it.

I also sense an undercurrent of unhappiness from you about your marriage, you are angry with your mother because you feel that she is partly to blame for the problems in your marriage. Can you see how destructive that is for you? You have moved the problem from something you can control (your behaviour) to something you cannot control (your mother).

Radical Honesty with both your mother and your spouse, expressed in a way that is non judgemental - you make it about your feelings - is going to make you feel instantly better.

Thank you for the thoughtful response, living_well. Really good advice.

I just want to do the right thing.

We all do, this place is for people who care

Being honest with them will help you feel better.

How is your marriage?

I like the tone and objectiveness of this board a lot. Very no-nonsense but decent.

In the course of really studying, absorbing and applying MB concepts I've really internalized the idea that SDs, DJs and AOs are abusive. It's really emotional to realize that my mom's love bank with me is empty in part due to her abusive behavior, complaints and unpleasantness. I haven't been able to label her as an abuser so I've felt really guilty about my feelings and avoidance.

More than that, you said you give her an allowance to subsidize her also

I can't help you with boundaries around a mother...but I can tell you that WHATEVER you decide should be done through the POJA with your husband.

Brainhurts, my marriage is not where it needs to be but we have almost completely eliminated all lovebusters. Right now we get at least 15 hours of UA time out of the house leaving kids with babysitters along with 10 or so more hours together at non-UA joint activities leaving kids with babysitters (integrated lifestyle stuff) Throw in a very difficult mildly special needs child and extra demanding baby that we spend a lot of our remaining time with...there is not a lot of time or energy for my mom. It's quite different from when my H engaged in a lot of IB and we didn't have kids. I also get PPA/PPD after I have babies and my mom has no patience for it!

Have you taken care of your PPD?

What does your DH think of your mom? What does he think you should do?

Yes, how specifically is that a problem? Genuine question She can't afford to move so when we move she stays where she is. We will no longer be living close to her...

I take meds and get therapy for PPD, they work well. I don't discuss my marriage in therapy.

My mom thinks my husband walks on water. She is very respectful and admiring of him. We POJA everything. My relationship with my mom does cause problems but indirectly. His mom is a nightmare and we've really succeeded in dealing with that. Negotiating our FOO interactions has been a triumph of POJA and love buster elimination! We still have some issues but they mostly involve his family or stuff that happened before we were good at POJA. For instance, THEY followed us to our new neighborhood while my family is being left behind. That has added to my mom's unhappiness (and I sympathize with her )

My H has given me really good advice that I plan to take.

I'm proud to say that we continued UA time despite extreme anxiety on my part and a nursing baby. As far as I know my therapist isn't MB trained but she believes in the importance of behavior. She instructed me to go out as if I felt normal and insisted that by doing normal activities I would recover. She is so awesome!

I'm glad you're taking care of your PPD.

What does your DH think of your mom?

Sorry, she doesn't bother him much. He thinks she is grouchy and not much fun. He is happy with the amount of time we spend with her. He thinks spending time with family is a duty. He would like to skip some holidays that we spend with (both) families and we are trying to POJA that. He doesn't totally understand why she bugs me so much. But I'm typical and Dr. H does say that women are bugged by stuff more than men...

My H does not complain about my mom but doesn't like how stressed I get around her...

I have finite amounts of emotional energy and I want to spend it on my marriage and immediate family and friends that increase my energy. I feel so guilty that I don't have any extra energy for my mom

I'm not a good partner when I'm grouchy and drained. What does Dr H say about not letting people get to us? I think he says we can't control it if our love banks get drained. We can only let people know how they can make deposits and avoid making withdrawals...I've tried to communicate with my mom but it hasn't gone anywhere...