Hi everyone
I'm new here. My husband walked out on me and my children after 13 years at the weekend. We were just working through the information here and in dr Harley's books. He agreed it was helpful and we clearly identify needs not being met and lots of love busters, he has also had 2 affairs.
He now says there is no chance of reconciliation and is not even prepared to talk about our marriage. I am devastated as my marriage vows are so important to me and I do not want this to end this way.
I would really value some advice on how to move forward. I can't find anything in the Q&A that covers this.
Many thanks

Hi Buttercup, welcome to Marriage Builders.

Why did he walk out?

Is he currently having an affair?

What are the details about his affairs?

Are you married? How long married? The ages of your children?

Buttercup08

So sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. I which at times there was a magic trick to having our spouse fight for our marriage, but I haven't found it yet.

I recommend reading Surviving An Affair because it will help you keep your head. He may not be in love with you right now but Surviving An Affair will give you your best chance of getting him back if you really want to.

While you are working your way through the book I would implement Plan A to a less not going deeper.

And do not allow his actions to force you to agree to term and you are not enthusiastic about.

If you follow the book you will make it out.

Thanks. He left because I found out that he was having an affair while we were on our second honeymoon in the carribean last week. We flew home early and he decided to leave.
Our children are 5 and 10.
We have read surviving an affair stuff on here. He just doesn't want to talk. He is not interested in our marriage. He just wants the kids.
He walked out previously when our youngest was 6 months, he was away for 13 months before agreeing to talk. He is not a Christian which makes it harder for me.
My eldest is haunted by memories of 5 years ago now it has all happened again.
My husband shuts down and won't communicate about anything, ever!
It's so hard that he would rather walk away than try to fix things.
He claims he has finished this affair but I suspect he's just telling me that as he doesn't want me to "out" their affair to her husband and daughter!!

Buttercup, I notified the moderators to move your thread to Surviving an Affair. It sounds like his affair is very active and even if it was not, it should be exposed wide and far. Most especially to this woman's husband and daughter. Your own children should know about his affair too.

Please read through the Exposure 101 thread in my signature and come back and lets talk.

Welcome butterup. i'm really sorry for the pain you and your children are going through.

I take it from what you say about your eldest that you exposed the A to your children first time around?

Have you read the exposure thread and are you ready with your exposure plan?

No matter what happens these poor kids deserve to know what is going on

Buttercup I know it might seem complicated but it's not it just seems hard. Your next step is to do the exposure plan.

NOT doing the exposure plan will make your it complicated and hard.

Thanks. All of our family and friends are aware. Not sure how to contact the woman, tho I have threatened and as a result he tells me it is over. But I'm not sure it is.
I have told my son, 10, he is angry and told me he was interested to see how long it would be before he told him himself!!

I've read the exposure stuff, but my husband has already left, claims he has finished the affair but is not interested in continuing in our marriage.
I feel I have nothing to negotiate with, being a child of divorce I know how destructive continuum down this road will be, but he has had a perfect life and never any tragedy, so he has no empathy for what the children are and will continue to deal with.

Buttercup, I am so sorry to hear about these events. However...

...you need to stop arguing and just do as you are told. This woman appears to have a husband, and you need to expose to him yesterday. This ho appears to be still with her husband, so he is the most potent weapon you have in getting this affair shut down.

Your husband has not "finished the affair". He is still deeply involved, and that is why he left you. It makes no sense that he was reading Dr Harley's books and seeing the plan for a fabulous marriage and at that point decided to leave. He decided to leave because he does not want to follow through with Dr H's recommendations for transparency and an integrated lifestyle where another person has no chance of getting involved in your marriage. He left because another person is already involved in your marriage and he wants to keep her there.

You need to find the contact details for this husband and speak to him in a way that the ho cannot intercept. Do not leave a voicemail on their machine! Do not send an email to a joint account! You need to speak to him directly. He will give your husband hell, and kill this affair dead.

And before you ask whether his confronting his wife will just make her leave and run off with your H, just consider that there is a reason she hasn't left already. She does not want your husband for life; she wants her fantasy life with him, but she wants her marriage as well.

I don't know that you should try to reconcile with him, but even if you don't want a reconciliation, you need to expose already.

Please expose today. This OW's BH and family needs to be told.

That is exactly why you DON'T threaten exposure. You absolutely do NOT negotiate with terrorists.

When threatened the WS will always respond with "Well I hate you and it's over anyway and it won't make any difference so you shouldn't bother"

This can be translated as "Please don't mess with my fun affair - you will ruin it".

Then he hops off to OW and says: "BW has helpfully tipped me off that she plans to expose. Lets tell everyone she is crazy."

You need to strategically expose without warning anyone it is going to happen. You want everyone to contact the AP's on the same day showing their horror and disgust and telling them they won't support them. You need them to feel a tsunami of disapproval.

Even if they decide to stick it out together they won't last long in that icy cold climate.

Even if you don't want to recover you still need exposure for two reasons:

1) Don't underestimate the support and sympathy you will get and how much you need it. You are still in shock and don't realise how much support you will need to survive this pain.

2) You need to run this woman off and prevent her becoming a feature of your son's life as his stepmother. You won't be able to keep her away if they marry and all child-rearing decisions and your son's wedding guest list will include her unless you run her off.

Lets not forget the poor BH and their daughter. Have pity for them and expose to them as it is the right thing to do. You would have wanted him to tell you.

There is no reason for you to avoid telling everyone the truth and it is your greatest weapon. Don't help the adulterers by drawing a curtain of secrecy around them.


How did you find out and what evidence do you have of the A?

While it is a long shot, your best hope is exposure. Even if you don't get back together, all of the OW's family - and yours - should be informed of the affair. You don't "negotiate" exposure, you just do it. Negotiating exposure is to give your battle plan to the enemy. Not a smart thing to do.

We can't help you if you won't follow the advice.

Thank you got being so straight talking. I have no idea how to find the husband tho. They live at the other end of the country from me.
I guess this will just have to be a mission for me in the coming days.

You can find him!

Does the OW have a facebook page?

Search Facebook for her name, email and phone number or for her relatives using a family name. Sometimes people who have private accounts are members of public groups and can be found via their workplace or old high school's page.

Google everything you can; her name, her address, her job description and combinations of these. Try befriending her on FB, or a friend of hers with a dummy account. Check sites like linkedin and Twitter. Check the electoral roll and the phone book. If you have her phone number try a reverse look up.

Try calling up people in her town or neighbourhood or profession to say you are trying to trace a family friend and do they know anyone by the name of x? Or you can access the services of a PI.

You'll be surprised how much you can find out about someone online.

Also, if you have her email address, do a search with her email address on facebook and on google.

Alternately, do the Google search without the @xxxmail.com included, which will amazingly bring up many more direct results than when you search for the entire e-mail address.

LTL

Thanks. Our broadband is down so I can only access from my phone which is really temperamental. Will try to head to my mums tomorrow and try.
My first response 7 days ago to the affair was that I would call the husband. Have I fallen at the first hurdle?
Wow this is so hard and frustrating. I'm hoping in the coming weeks it will be easier to deal with day to day stuff as I just feel like falling in a heap 😢

Your "mum"?

Are you a Brit?

Howdy!