I have been married for almost 24 years and have just recently found out that my H has cheated on me again. The previous affair was over 14 years ago and prior to that 22 years ago. We went to counseling for 5 months after the second affair and we able to work things out and our marriage was stronger.
My question is why should I subject myself to any more hurt as I feel that this will happen again. I am torn with staying because of religious beliefs but also want to take a stand to say that I will not be subjected to this any more!
Your thoughts please.

I'm sorry for the reason that brought you here to MB.

You don't have to stay with your twice-unfaithful husband if you don't want to. You don't mention your religion but most Christian religions allow for divorce in the case of adultery. If you have children or a long history or some other logical reason, giving you a strong reason for wanting to save your marriage, MB can help you with that.

What were the conditions of the first two affairs? Did/does he travel for work? Where did he meet these OWs? Were the previous affairs exposed?

Is your H still seeing the current OW? How did you discover the affair? Do you have children together?

Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain that has brought you here.

It is definitely your choice if you want to end your marriage, especially after 2 betrayals.

If you do choose to stay, MB has a very good path to recover your marriage. If your WH will live by extraordinary precautions and boundaries to affair proof your marriage then you will have a chance.


Who is the OW?

The first affair was when I was pregnant with our first child and the OW was someone that he worked with. Second time the OW was also someone that he worked with while I had child #3. This one I was suspicious and found out but he denied it. Had been going on for several months and this is when I went for counselling. H eventually joined counselling but but was still seeing the OW. This is the 5 months of counselling that I spoke about previously.
This time the OW is a friend of ours and I found out when the husband took a few swings at my H in our garage this last weekend. It has supposedly be over with the OW since last September but had been going on for 7 months according to the spouse of the OW. These were our friends and worse still our sons are best friends!
My initial reaction when I found out that I am done! I still feel that way but am so sad for the upcoming year as our oldest daughter is getting married. I grew up baptist and joined Lutheran when we got married. My moral compass knows that H's actions are very wrong though a part of me says I could go for counselling and make it work..keep status quo. .maybe I like to punish myself!

Actually #3 affair. .3 kids see my other reply with my details on this thread.

Your husband has very poor boundaries around women. He never protected his love bank from other women making deposits into it, so he has been open for affairs.

Can you get the book Surviving an Affair as quickly as possible? It is in Kindle form on Amazon or you can order a hard copy. Have you read all the way through the thread at the top of the SAA forum? There is a great deal of very helpful information in it and on this website.

You don't have to attempt recovery. The Bible gives very clear guidance on how destructive adultery is to the marriage and to the betrayed spouse and allows for divorce.

IF you decide you want to give your marriage the best chance of surviving your H's affairs, MB is, in the opinion of many of us here on this forum, the BEST way to do that. MB is about following a plan. Recovery from an affair is very narrow path. Most marriages never recover; rather, they become crippled versions of the pre-affair marriage with years of resentment, an unsatisfying relationship, and open to more affairs.

What would have to happen is exposure of his past affairs as well as his current affair. This is to provide support for you and to shine the light of day onto his affair. He won't think it's so wonderful and romantic to have an affair when the people in his life know what he's doing and hold him accountable.

He would have to agree to Extraordinary Precautions for life. The Harleys have had EPs throughout their marriage and neither of them has ever had an affair. The EPs remove the temptation of affairs and keep the marriage safe.

He would have to agree to building a romantic, passionate, safe marriage with you that is BETTER than ever before.

Marriage counseling is more than likely to be at best unhelpful and at worst destructive to your marriage, especially in the case of adultery. Most MCs don't understand the dynamics of infidelity and don't know how to help. If you do see a counselor, ask if they have successfully helped couples recover from an affair. If you can't find one, you are better off staying here on this forum for help.

We also did several months of counseling after my H's first affair. Our marriage was made tolerable but not wonderful. EPs were never discussed. We still had love busters and I had resentment for years and years. Not much of a success, was it? Especially since H went on flirting and traveling for his job, then had another affair 20 years after the first.

Here's what Dr. Harley recommends for ending the affair.

In your case, because the OW lives close by, Dr. Harley would definitely recommend that you move far away. One reason would be to avoid easy contact with the OW and another would be because your current home would have a lot of triggers for both of you.

Moving is drastic, I understand, but adultery is a terribly painful tragedy for the betrayed spouse and anything that will help prevent another affair and that will help you heal is worth the effort.

I am calm and I am trying make a plan. I have only told my sister and another couple. My H has revealed to his best friend and his business partner and spouse. Though they don't know the details as he has left that up to me. (Which I plan to make him tell all)
I don't have a problem letting every one know but I am planning and how best to reveal to our children. We will be doing it together and moving at this time won't be an option. My son has 2 years left of high school and we own a business.
I am not worried about being in the same city and ironic enough the OW's son and my son will be attending the same school next year. The OW's spouse has told me that he won't be telling anything and is planning to stay together. I know that the OW is attending counselling and she did reveal to her H about the affair. I not sure yet if it will be a mistake not to mention names when speaking to my children. This will be the most difficult things as my son is already talking about the summer and if the OW's son can join us on our annual retreat to our relatives cabin.
Right now I am working on the financial end with separating bank accounts and figuring what we will be my options.

I have a good job and lots of support but would like to get my things in order as best I can. I haven't asked about the details about the affair though I did hear some from the OW's spouse.
As you can see I am more thinking about ending the marriage permanently though I do wish to make sure that we will still be able to communicate regarding any decisions regarding our children amicably.
I also know that my husband has at least looked up the phone number for a counselling clinic and told me that he has a problem.
With everything just said....it could change.
Thanks for all or any advice and/or comments.

I have gone through this before but not all of these steps. I was pretty demanding and after counselling I have been happily married for the last 10 years and thought that H was as well. Our communication was effective and thought we worked as a team in completing household chores.
I have read most of the information regarding Dr. H advice and agree with most of it. My mindset right now is not repairing the marriage.
What a difficut decision!!!

That is a good question...do I want to recover the marriage. It definitely is a pattern and I don't want to wake up another 14 years later and the same thing happens.
Feeling the pressure.

Have you read the Exposure thread? It's Here.

Regardless of whether you decide to try to save your marriage, you should expose widely so everyone knows the reason for the divorce. You should tell your children about their father's affairs without him present. They shouldn't hear any "spinning" on his part. Just tell them that "Dad has had affairs and he is even now having an affair. It's terribly painful to me. You need to know the reason for the tension in our home, and that is why." They will likely have some questions; you can answer them to the best of your ability.

Recovery is going to be tougher since you don't want to move. The possibility of walking into the OW will be a big trigger for you, not to mention that staying put makes ending the A permanently very difficult.

If you divorce, what will happen to the business you both own?


Yes, please tell your children the name of the woman who has attempted to destroy their home.


If you have questions about the affair, your husband needs to answer all of them for you.


Dr. Harley recommends using an IM for communication regarding children after a divorce. Have you read up on Plan B? If you decide to divorce your H, your emotional and physical health will likely be much better if you completely avoid communicating directly with your WH and do it through an IM instead.


Yes, he has a problem, but we can tell him what it is. He doesn't need counseling to find that out. He never closed his love bank to other women. He's open for business and has terrible boundaries around women. That's why he has had three affairs. Now he can save money on the counseling.



You can't go wrong by doing a great Plan A while deciding.

Plan A: end all your love busters and express your willingness to meet his ENs if he ends his affair permanently and joins with you in a program of recovery.

Expose his affair widely all at once to friends and family members, including your children.

You don't need to decide on that right now.

Make sure you read up on Plan A, so you can feel great about your efforts even if you decide against recovery. Here's the thread about Plan A >>>>> Carrot and Stick of Plan A

Dr. Harley helps people to recover their marriage after infidelity but he always says the betrayed spouse has a perfect right to divorce their spouse after adultery.

I was married to a serial cheater. Personally, I would not bother trying Recovery with a serial cheater unless you are up to being his babysitter for life...literally. Recovery from one affair is HARD and requires EPs but with a serial cheater...extra, extra EPs are needed and there just more crap and resentment. I honestly had too much resentment towards my exWH and am glad to no longer call him my husband.

Sorry for your hurt. Welcome to MB.

That just won't be possible Mel. Your H has ruined all links between your families. Just one mention from this kid of his mother - one accidental contact at school and all recovery efforts will be destroyed. It is an addiction and no contact for him is as important as no alcohol to an alcoholic.

As a serial cheat he also should also not work with women and have a very transparent life. But that is not a decision you have to make now.

Of course you should tell your kids everything. It is very irresponsible of the other spouse not to - the truth always comes out and they will be very confused in the meantime. They need to know why two selfish people have turned their world upside down and who those people are. It's their family, their whole world and the only father they will ever have so in some ways they have more right to the knowledge than you do. Telling them there is a nameless invisible enemy to their family will frighten them to death. Give them the names and all pertinent facts.

I second the advice you've been given about starting the plans before making a decision,

I didn't recover my marriage, I was into Plan B before I made the decision. All the plans are invaluable for personal healing, even if you don't recover.

Exposure gains you much needed support and ends the affront of the A. Plan A gives you an opportunity to show what sort if spouse you can be and undo any regrets. Plan B is AMAZING. I was so happy and healed by it that I didn't want recovery.

Also much of your decision will be based on his reaction to the plans. The WS's reaction to exposure for example (honourably accepting the light of honesty and accepting culpability apologising to the family - or furious rage). Their reactions to your line in the sand usually sorts the wheat from the chaff.

x 2

Have you consulted an attorney, Melanie? If not, you should so you know what your rights are in your state.

Melanie, the truth is that you are very likely headed for another affair unless you and your husband make dramatic changes in your lifestyle. And I don't mean "communication" [which has nothing to do with why people have affairs] but in the transparency of his life. His life should be so transparent that it would be impossible to cheat because he is with you 24/7. If you are there, he obviously can't cheat. If you have the passwords to his computer, email, and cell phone he can't cheat. That is the extreme length you must go to in order to prevent a repeat with a serial cheater.

Your husband has terrible boundaries around women and that must be addressed and changed. It WILL happen again unless his whole lifestyle changes.

One of the most important things you can do is to expose his affairs wide and far. *YOU* should tell his friends and family, not him. YOU should tell your children alone. And yes, they should know the details of the affair and the persons NAME. This woman is the enemy of their family so they have a full right to know this.

Your son should be told about the affair and not allowed to associate with the OW's son again. It is not in your child's best interest to continue his friendship with this child. He most certainly should not go to the same school because that will keep you and your husband perpetually bumping into the OW.

Your son's school is not more important than your mental health and the welfare of his family.