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I have done quite a bit of reading on here and I cannot find any posts that relate to my issue.
My husband of 5 years cheated with his ex-wife. As far as I know, this was not a sexual affair, but to me, still an affair. They have very different stories about what happened and I find myself constantly questioning my husband.
It is not possible to have no contact with this woman. They share a child. This all happened a year ago and I just found out because she is angry over custody issues and decided to pick up the phone and tell me all about it.
She says that there was a lot of touching and kissing going on. He says there was just some flirtation and then he apparently was trying to get her to send him nude pictures. He has admitted this and says that's as far as it went.
I love my husband and want to get past this. I just have no idea where to start since we will always have to have contact with her.
Please help.
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Your H does not HAVE to be in contact with his ex-W. He could get an intermediary to share info regarding pickups and drop-offs. Many people here are doing this so they can stay out of contact with an ex-spouse.
In your H's case, he would need to agree to end all contact with his former wife. He should change all his contact information so that she cannot reach him.
You can get the truth by scheduling a polygraph test.
How long after his divorce did you meet your H?
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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Thank you for your response.
We are just entering a custody battle and I don't know how it would look to not want any contact with her. When the child is with us, she is allowed contact with him, so it's impossible to change contact info and not allow her to have it.
I have no idea how to go about getting a polygraph test.
They split up and divorced right after the child was born in 2002. They never had what I would call a real marriage. She is a user of men for money and tires of them quickly. She always liked to keep him as a back-up and that's exactly what happened. Anytime she wanted him, he was there.
I met them both through work in 2007. They were together but not married. She tired of him as usual and she moved on to someone else. He and I started dating in 2009 and were married 5 months later. Quick yes, but we are both older and on second marriages and knew what we wanted. We also now have a 4 year old daughter.
Their past relationship has always been a source of great fear to me. I guess my fears were right.
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What is the reason for a custody battle? Who is battling whom for what kind of custody?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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He is taking her to court for custody of their son. There are several stipulations of their current agreement that are not being met. Also, his son wants to live with us.
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He is taking her to court for custody of their son. There are several stipulations of their current agreement that are not being met. Also, his son wants to live with us. What do your lawyers say about the possibility of his winning? I'll tell you where I'm going with this: I am doubting the need for a "custody battle". Seeing custody in terms of a battle may simply be a way of keeping you enmeshed with his ex. Is she an unfit parent? If not, what are the chances of your winning full custody simply because she does not conform with the custody order to the letter? If she messes about with your H's weekends for custody or things of that nature, how likely is it that a judge will take the boy away from his mother and give him to you? I don't live in the USA, but from what I've read, many states are moving towards 50-50 by default. Can you argue for that on the grounds that the legal system seems to think it is good for the child, rather than get into a fight with the ex about her being a bad parent? And can that "reasonable" argument be made through lawyers? There is no need to have direct contact with the ex at all, and also I don't understand why a judge would disfavour you for dealing with her only by intermediary. Judges are used to divorce and know it isn't pretty. Why would they think it unreasonable for you to avoid fighting with each other and use an intermediary? Why would they think that this harms the child? Are you aware that NC between parents is becoming increasingly common, and that there is research to show that it is a good thing for the child, if fighting is the alternative?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Here's a very information and helpful thread about parallel parenting. >>>> Here
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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Our lawyer feels our case is strong. She lives 1 1/2 hours away. There were contingencies for her being able to move him that far away. Those are the issues that have caused this. Visitations are not happening as they are supposed to. He is failing miserably in school. She left her current husband and has moved the new boyfriend in who does not have a favorable court record. Medical needs are not being met.
50/50 is out because of living so far apart. My step-son says they are moving back here though over the Summer. So, that will bring her even closer.
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You might consider emailing for Dr. Harley's advice on your situation. He and Joyce are very helpful. If you include your address they will send you a book. It's best if you can speak directly with them, so you can have a discussion. If you are interested in this, include your telephone number.
Email your question with an overview to mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. If you send an email and don't hear back within a few days, notify the moderators and they will follow up on it.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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Our lawyer feels our case is strong. She lives 1 1/2 hours away. There were contingencies for her being able to move him that far away. Those are the issues that have caused this. Visitations are not happening as they are supposed to. He is failing miserably in school. She left her current husband and has moved the new boyfriend in who does not have a favorable court record. Medical needs are not being met.
50/50 is out because of living so far apart. My step-son says they are moving back here though over the Summer. So, that will bring her even closer. Thank you. I appreciate the clarification. If your H is going for the "unfit parent" route, I don't see why a judge would prefer them to be in contact. Could you ask your lawyer about this? Show him published research on parallel parenting and ask him to put the case for this to the judge while fighting for custody. The bottom line is that you both need to be NC with this ex or your marriage has no chance of surviving. Does the new boyfriend know about the affair (or the second husband, if he was on the scene at the time of the affair)?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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She had just left her husband when this happened. The new boyfriend does know. Apparently it all stopped when she started seeing him. This boyfriend will be Husband #4 as soon as her divorce is final. Wedding plans are in place for the Summer. Husband #3 was met on the internet and married in less than 2 months.
So is the NC something the judge has to put in place or can we make that decision? I am just confused on how this works.
I guess as long as visitations are in place there really is no need to talk anyway, unless of course there is an emergency. All drop-offs and pick-ups happen when we are together and at this point, no one but the child gets out of the vehicle.
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She had just left her husband when this happened. The new boyfriend does know. Apparently it all stopped when she started seeing him. This boyfriend will be Husband #4 as soon as her divorce is final. Wedding plans are in place for the Summer. Husband #3 was met on the internet and married in less than 2 months.
So is the NC something the judge has to put in place or can we make that decision? I am just confused on how this works.
I guess as long as visitations are in place there really is no need to talk anyway, unless of course there is an emergency. All drop-offs and pick-ups happen when we are together and at this point, no one but the child gets out of the vehicle. NC has nothing to do with the judge. It is an arrangement made between the parents. I only mentioned the judge because you seemed to think that NC will work against you in the custody hearing. I suggest you talk to your lawyer about that, and educate him if he hasn't seen how much it is already being done. He needs to know how to defend you if a judge raises questions about it. If there is already no talking between you then NC should be easy. I'm not sure what you are objecting to! However, I strongly suggest that you get an intermediary to deal with emergencies. Neither you nor your H should be talking to or emailing this woman directly, ever again. Is there any chance of arranging pick ups and drop offs at school so that you never have to see her at all? You would need an alternative arrangement for the school holidays. The point is, your H should not see her at all. Clearly he has strong feelings for her still, and these will be activated every time he sees her. Can you be sure he does not look at her out of the window during exchanges?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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She is at this point responsible for all transportation to and from visitation because of how far away she moved. She drops him off at our place of employment and then we meet at a public place when she gets him back.
So I guess the absolute first step is to establish NC.
Beyond that, how on earth do I trust again??
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She is at this point responsible for all transportation to and from visitation because of how far away she moved. She drops him off at our place of employment and then we meet at a public place when she gets him back.
So I guess the absolute first step is to establish NC.
Beyond that, how on earth do I trust again?? Here's what Dr. Harley says has to happen to end an affair and begin recovery: From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67
The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.
These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.
Checklist for How Affairs Should End
_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.
_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:
_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).
_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).
_____Spend leisure time together.
_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
_____Avoid overnight separation.
_____Allow technical accountability.
_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends. Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? If you read through the book and do everything recommended, then in about two years, you will be able to trust your H. But recovery follows a very narrow path. Deviations from the outlined steps usually have very disappointing, even disastrous, results.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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The first thing to do is to have your H write a No Contact letter that you approve and mail, using the template from SAA. No Contact Letter Samples
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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Thank you so much for taking the time to help me.
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Thank you so much for taking the time to help me. So what's your plan?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I don't know if this is helpful but my ex wife and I did split custody and we lived around an hour and a half away from each other. Split custody doesn't mean they live equally with one parent as the other. They will always have 1 primary residence. Depending on how old the child is, the judge might ask which parent they prefer to I've with.
Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)
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