Sometimes even in the midst of my sadness, I remember what a nice person that I am and all that I have accomplished. Do you know that I have raised some great kids and that I was the first person in my family to graduate college. It took me a lot of years to earn that degree, sometimes I had to go part time and even took a few years off when my husband was so sick. I did finally graduate a few years ago...one week before my oldest daughter graduated college. I have a bachelor's degree in business and majored in accounting. I am currently an office manager for a local contractor and he trusts my judgment in lots of financial manners. I also am fantastic at preparing taxes and love doing them. But for all my strengths, I am still very weak when it comes to the love I feel for my husband.

I knew you were a smart woman! We are the same ages so I completely understand. I applaud you for coming here to get an objective view of your situation. That bespeaks a STRONG woman whose mind is telling her that her heart is misleading her.

You are not the first person to have your heart lead you astray and off track! I speak from experience

It's interesting you keep talking about your first marriage.

My suspicion is that your second husband targeted you when you were vulnerable and grieving. Love is a drug and he got you hooked at a weak time.

I do speak of my deceased husband because I feel he is relevant when I am talking about my current marriage. My deceased husband and I had problems too, not as bad as what is going on with my husband now though.

I remember two times that my deceased husband and I were having problems, I made some changes in myself and I also did something a little drastic to help him realize that we were heading for trouble. The first thing that I did was to take his complaints to heart. If he came home from work and complained about clutter on the kitchen counter, then by the time he came out of the bathroom it was gone. I also had my mom come to the house to babysit one weekend, met him at the door with our suitcase packed, and told him we were going to a hotel room for the night to talk. During that night we decided together to make our marriage a priority and to start spending more time together...just me and him. It was not all smooth sailing, but we managed to muddle our way through.

I did meet my current husband at a time when I was grieving. He helped me through it, we talked for hours about everything that was going on in my life and his life. He knows more about me than anybody has ever known about me. He has also said on more than one occasion that I know more about him than he has ever shared with anybody else. He is one of the most intelligent men that I ever met. He is also one of the most sociable creatures that you would ever want to meet. Granted, since his stroke, heart attack, and open heart surgery...he has been suffering from depression and spends a substantial amount of time in the house playing video games or watching TV (the doctor put him on anti-depressants). He said that his health is one of the reasons that he wants to go back to Texas. He said that before he got sick that he felt 10 foot tall and bullet proof and expected to live a long time. Now, he says that he doesn't want to wait the 4 years that I need before going to Texas because he is afraid that he won't be around that long. He wants to spend time with his adult children and his parents. Any brain storming help would be appreciated.

Everybody is vulnerable when it comes to their spouse. This goes to the heart of what intimacy is. Your spouse can be your greatest source of joy in your life, or your greatest source of sorrow. It has nothing to do with any inherent fault in yourself. If you weren't vulnerable in this way, that would be a substantial reason to question the validity of your marriage in the first place.

I forgot to mention my husband's other health issues. He has high blood pressure, diabetes, sleep apnea, and I've already mentioned the depression, stroke, heart attack, and open heart surgery for quadruple bypass. He is being treated by several doctors who feel like he can live a long life if he takes care of himself. They have recommended that he quit smoking (he smokes 2-3 packs of cigarettes a day), that he monitor his carbs (but he loves his candy and juice), and exercise. He said that he cannot quit smoking because of the stress that he is under and feels that once he is Texas that his stress will be greatly reduced. He is such a proud Texan...proud of everything about Texas (it is one of the things that I love about him).

That on top of unemployed and no bathing? If your H isn't even willing to take care of himself, he is unlikely to ever take care of you.

Sorry but I would not move to TX and do as Melody advised.

My husband receives Social Security for his disabilities, he is no longer able to work.

I knew you were grieving because you made a good first choice and raised smart children.

It was obvious to me that he would have exploited your grief because you are not the type who is a fool - you wouldn't have chosen him in happier times.

When a man has little to offer, he has to view women as vultures do - target the weak.

I'm sure he IS very smart and sociable.

These are some of the brain storming ideas I came up with in regards to moving to Texas or alternates:

1)Move to Texas, give up my job, and sell my house. Use the money from my house to purchase another house in Texas and try to find a job. Live on husband's social security until I find a job.

2)Stay in this house which has it's own set of problems until I am able to move to Texas with my husband.

3)Sell this house, purchase another house here in Indiana until I am able to retire and move to Texas with my husband.

With number 2 & 3, my husband could still go to Texas every few months and spend time with his kids and parents until we are able to move there in a few years.

Or:
4)My husband go by himself to Texas and I remain here and we divorce.

Does anybody have any other ideas?

Actually, vultures target the dead. They watch the weak, hoping they will die soon and provide the next meal.

But the point is well taken; this guy is someone who would never gain any traction without his target being compromised. He took advantage of the grief you were experiencing.

You shouldn't move with him unless he is willing to offer you care. He never has.

I would tell him what you require from him in a caring marriage, Melody Lane gave you a great list. You can motivate him by Plan Aing and at the end of Plan A repeat your request for a caring marriage. If he agrees, ( in deeds, not words) then discuss where you BOTH want to live. You are not chattel to be moved around at whim.

If he says no, then his moving provides an opportunity for Plan B.

Read the When to call it quits article which outlines how to motivate your spouse with these plans before calling time on the marriage.

Honestly though I wouldn't bother. He is very dedicated to his freeloading, your children dislike him and you don't have any children together - your efforts would be better spent finding someone more suitable.

These are the guys who were circling me after I was betrayed. With advice from this forum, I waited until I was happy before I dated.

Good men don't help grieving women, they have a natural respect for their privacy and leave them to other women and relatives.

What if there isn't anybody more suitable and I wind up spending my life alone. I know I would still have my family as everybody points out but it is not the same as having a significant other. If I am having any kind of issue and I need him...car problem, need somebody to talk to, etc. he is there and talks to me or comes after me. My family does not always respond that quickly.

I remember how I felt when my deceased husband died, sleeping in that empty bed night after night. Wanting to talk to him and him not being there. It was devastating. Friends and family said you will meet somebody. I joined what I thought were legitimate date sites and the sleaze balls came out of the woodwork. I hadn't dated in over 25 years and it wasn't what I expected. One guy came close to raping me.

And then my husband came along...the most gentle, thoughtful, romantic man that I had ever met. He would look at me sometimes like he thought I was a dream. He made me feel like something that was so delicate that it would break. Even though he was out on the road driving his truck, he would still make sure he was here for major events. As my kids started graduating from high school, he would come in for the graduation and take everybody out to dinner.

He and I would be walking thru the mall and he would suddenly decide to buy me a new coat, shoes, or just some clothes. He would always hold his arm out for me to take when we were walking, open doors for me. My young sons saw this happening and they would actually try to beat each other to a door to hold it open for me. He has been a positive influence on my kids in some respects.

A) no one is better than a freeloader, b) you wait until you are ready to date, ready for the battlefield that is dating.

[quote=] joined what I thought were legitimate date sites and the sleaze balls came out of the woodwork. I hadn't dated in over 25 years and it wasn't what I expected. One guy came close to raping me. [/quote]

As recently bereaved you had a bullseye on you for men who enjoy targets. I've had to sift through dating sates too and while the sleazes outnumber the good guys, they aren't hard to spot. You can meet wonderful men online. Men who are in the same boat as you. Just because there are sleazes online doesn't mean good men are automatically barred from sites. Real life, clubs and societies also provides plenty of opportunities. When nice men are widowed or divorced, they don't vanish. They exist.

If you really think your H has potential, see how he responds to the plans. If there's anything there to motivate, the plans will work. But don't settle into a. 'better than nothing ' mentality which is really just misleading fear.

Your children are good judges of character and know a bad marriage when they see one. So do you, because you've had a successful marriage.

Don't kid yourself that this is what you have to settle for.

Sorry to interfere with your metaphor. It just seemed unjust to me. Vultures only feed on the dead, whereas the people your talking about feed on the living. It didn't seem like a fair comparison. I had to speak up for the poor vultures.

Isn't this all in the past tense? Hasn't he admitted proudly that this is the persona he uses to get women, not his true persona?

Lol,

I am stretching poetic license, I admit. Vultures are creatures of nature doing an important job. Cleaning up, really.

Women will get what I mean though. That sharp, hard look in a man's eye. Joy at your pain. Literally being circled. You do feel like prey.