I admit, I'm intimidated. I thought I would be talking to one of his other counselors. I tend to get tongue tied and lose my train of thought easily when I'm intimidated. I sent a short bio of our situation, I'm hoping he'll lead me through the session...though that has never been my experience with other counselors.

You will be speaking to Steve Harley, Dr Harley's SON. He is one of the counselors, along with his sister, Dr Chalmers.

He is completely different from other counselors. He is not there to get you to talk, beyond giving the basic facts, he is there to give you guidance.

ML,

That's great! Thank you...I don't feel so nervous now

My counseling session with Steve Harley went really well. I have more hope now and a plan of action. Which is important for me. I'm a methodical person. If I don't have a plan, I get flustered and fumble around, which usually causes misunderstandings and defensiveness. I don't know if its ok for me to discuss the plan Steve suggested here. I didn't think to ask. Will someone who has gone through MB counseling tell me the policy on that please?

I have read many posters state what advice and plans were discussed in their coaching sessions. As a matter of fact, it guides all the other posters in continuing to keep you pointed in the properly advised direction.

LTL

Thank you LearnedTooLate. That's what I was hoping to hear

Steve said:
1. Think of our marriage as a project
2. Find the goal
3. Educate ourselves on the mechanics/how the goal works
4. Personalize the knowledge obtained
5. Execute

He said it is important to follow these steps in order. I have a tendency to think about the steps from beginning to end, so by the time I actually start a discussion with my H, I'm already so far ahead of him, he is playing catch up.

Steve is very insightful and recognized right away that my H is a personality type that needs to be in charge and gets defensive if he thinks he's being told what to do. This trait makes him great at his job, but makes marriage discussions initiated by me difficult.

He gave me our goal: connectedness

Education: properly educate ourselves on connectedness so we can discuss strategy

Thankfully, he even told me how to approach my H about setting up a counseling session together. He told me to tell him I am concerned about us and because I am, I talked to a guy who works with couples like us. He is not a counselor. He is a coach. He is very direct. He seems to know what he's talking about. He said the ideal, the happiest scenario, would be for you to be in love with your wife. Is that true? Apparently, there is a way for us to feel wonderfully connected to each other. I would like to look into it with you. I'd like you to talk to Steve, to see if you agree. If you think this guy can help us. Talking to him is an investigation, not a commitment.

The above is what I say when we have our discussion. I voiced concern that my H might not initiate the discussion and I don't want him to get defensive out of the gate if I initiate it. Steve told me when he gets home to try to make an appointment with him to talk. If he is not receptive, to try to find out his objections. He told me to keep coming back to it, to not give up on this initial discussion because it is too important.

If my H is receptive to talk to Steve, he said I should suggest he read the basic concepts or watch the videos, together or on his own, whichever he prefers. But to make sure my H understands it is not a requirement.

My husband just called, he is on his way home. I am nervous, but hopeful. Wish me luck!

Firstly, i will get the Good Luck out of the way. GOOD LUCK!!!

It sounded like an informative dialogue between yourself and SH.

I am glad that he put your mind at ease and showed you examples of how to approach your H with this sensitive feeling topic.

Keep us informed as to how your discussion pans out, obviously.

LTL

tamak- Steve is great. I am coaching with him currently and I used a very similar statement to get my husband to call him. It worked. My husband is a smart cookie (and disagrees with everything), and is in a state of "I don't know," and even he could not argue with this. I added "The ideal scenario would be for the mother and father of our children to be TRULY in love with eachother. Would you agree with that?" He agreed.

Tama, that's wonderful! Best wishes!

Tamak! So glad to hear it went well! Did you feel at ease with Steve?

Thank you, LTL. I will keep ya'll posted

Thank you SFL!

Sounds like we have some of the same issues with our H's and communication. It is very reassuring to know Steve's approach worked with your H

Thank you NED!

Thank you ML....Yes I felt at ease with him. That was a pleasant surprise. That was the first time I ever felt at ease with a counselor...or coach. This is the first time I've worked with a coach so maybe that is the difference

That's great.

When will your husband be talking with Steve?

Progress report...

Its a good thing I got some coaching from Steve on approaching my H. I did like he suggested and requested we make an appointment for our discussion. He looked at me blankly, like he had no clue what I was talking about. I calmly said "remember we were going to have a discussion when you got home?" He said, "which discussion do you mean? We talked about several different things." I said, "the discussion you said you wanted to have about the disconnect between us because of your job schedule....?" Then he said "Oh! Right!" I asked him if he would like to have it tomorrow or Saturday? He said whenever I wanted to do it was fine. I said I wanted him to decide. He said tomorrow was good for him. I asked him if he preferred morning, afternoon or evening. He said morning he guessed. I asked if wanted to do it after we woke up, not right away, but after we'd had time to get around and truly awake, but before we actually started on anything else? He said yes. I said its a date!

He really wanted to play golf since he hasn't gotten to play in the last 3 weeks, so we met a friend and new acquaintance at the course and played golf. I had been asked to sub for a bunco game, so I went straight to the club when we finished playing golf to play bunco. My H came home to let his dog out and then met me back out there just before we finished. Our oldest daughter called before we left the club to see if we wanted to watch our grandson tonight. I had discussed this with her a couple days ago. I knew my H would want to spend time with him while he was home, but I wanted time with just the 2 of us his first night back. She and I had agreed that we would have him all day Sunday and Sunday night. But when I saw how excited my H was at the idea of having him tonight, I didn't have the heart to say anything but sure. I do love having my grandson, so its not a hardship by any means. I had just hoped to have some time just the two of us tonight, especially since it was 4 of us for golf. We did have lunch just the two of us and I was the one who agreed to play bunco, so I guess I shouldn't be disappointed. We're going to have our grandson all day tomorrow, too. I reminded my H about our appointment, before my daughter brought him over. I was a little concerned he might forget or use the excuse of having W as a reason to put it off. He said, yes, we would definitely have our discussion.

Let you know how it goes!

BH

Thanks Tomorrow's discussion is when I approach him about talking to Steve.

Hi Tamak,
I wanted to say hi because I can seriously relate to your current ongoing dilemma. Seems terrible to be left alone in a marriage.

I have found SH works well with entrenched IBers. Not to say it will be an easy road. From my own experience, you are going to have to stop using avoidance as the dominant leadership style when it comes to negotiating with your husband for UA time. You are helping to keep the problem going. Habits have gotten entrenched and family and husband do not take your needs seriously.

Your situation is almost the same footprint I am dealing with in terms of work schedules, helping husband w/administration and accounting, grandkids intruding and so on.

Recently, both SH and I marveled how Dr Harley's new book He Wins/She wins was a light bulb for my husband. Previously we'd been coached, counseled, and used the on-line program (all great) but my husbands IB habits got in the way. As you know IB habits can be clever and insidious. But Dr Harley's book struck my husband like he was met on the road to Damascus and had been blinded but now could see... Needless to say I recommend the book for IBers everywhere!

Still, I've wanted to quit many times. Run away. Seek a new life and so on. You wonder if its just a dream your clinging to and is it time to let go.

The truth is, it is time to let go. You know you can't change your husband. What you let go of is the parts and pieces of yourself that stops shy of being seen and heard.

That is what Steve is coaching you to do...

What is "IB?"