Done. And he took the bait. But, I believe California is a "no fault" state so whomever cheated on who doesn't matter.

It won't be for the purpose of a divorce, but for exposure. And evidence matters very much there.

It can come in handy for divorce and/or exposure. Even if you live in a no fault state, most WSs don't want to air any dirty laundry so it may still be a bargaining chip. When you expose, you now have proof...which is always a good thing.

How are you doing?

Do you have access to his credit card activity and/or work expense reports?

No, unfortunately not. Mostly all of our credit cards are joint but he has a couple that aren't.

Do you have an exposure plan in place, list of targets, template letter? Let us know what your plan is for feedback.

Are you eating, sleeping ok?

Hi everyone-
I am not doing an MB thing right now because after his reveal that he had a fling (on Mothers Day for that matter- thank you very much), I am at a place where I don't want to be with him. I originally (the day after finding out) went into Plan B (laying out that he could pick up the kids (they are 6 and 1) on Friday at 5 and have them back saturday by 6 but:
1) I don't think I want to be with him anymore so this tactic seems to be for saving the marriage?
2) I want to protect the kids (especially 6 year old) from letting them know that we are separating. He is already gone Monday through thursday and I am so not wanting to work on us anymore that I would rather have him come stay here like usual Thursday through sunday and give me some reprieve with the kids. (And now of course that I said that, he is saying he wants to help with the kids during the day but doesn't want to stay in the apartment. Says it would be too hard on him emotionally because he still loves me.
3) Don't know if I care to "expose" because I am in a place where I want a break. He can do him, I can do me. There would be ground rules of course of keeping it respectful and not dating/texting other people during the thursday night through sunday time. Also, in general I get the exposure tactic but he is our $$ so why should I ruin his career and risk his reputation and chance of continuing to make $$?

Any advice appreciated.

Well it's not plan B if you're having contact with him and it's not MB if you're not going to expose. We understand if you want to go straight to plan D (divorce), but you need to be honest with your kids.

It's real confusing to children when they don't know the truth. They start to blame themselves for all the confusion.

Please read this.
BSs......Plan C is not a Plan

How does telling my 6 year old son that his dad cheated on me BENEFIT my son in any way?

Please read.
Infidelity: The Lessons Children Learn

Also, this and listen to the clips.
Exposing to Children

No the plans are for your personal recovery - I didn't recover my marriage but exposure and plan b got me support, healed me well and in fact transformed my life.

Your plan of an open marriage and lying to your child will hurt you and your son terribly. How are you protecting him by inviting more adultery into his world? You must be very afraid and in deep shock to even consider such a thing.

I'm sure your son is a bright, compassionate thing. Six year olds have an emotional intelligence which you underrate greatly if you think you can fool him with a sham marriage.

Why would you even want to teach him that married people live apart and are not in love and date others?

When children are exposed to, their responses are invariably the same. They tend to be much more sensible than adult responses as I've never heard a child suggest an open marriage ( what kind of men do you think you could date who would agree to that? They'd be vultures). One little girl of five saved her parents marriage by telling her mother calmly she thought it was mean and she expected better behaviour. They have a good relationship today

In contrast I know a lady who told her daughters nothing about it. They pester her continually for explanations as to why she left their father and feel very unsure all the time. Sometimes they ask us, her friends if their daddy did something bad, sometimes they wonder if it was mummy - but it is not our place to relieve their confusion. After years of lying to them my friend is even more scared of telling them the truth.

My nephew was six when his beloved uncle's A tore up my whole family. He told me to change my locks, not forgive unless he were truly sorry and volunteered to give up the OWs children as playmates so our families would go No contact - Dr H's own advice! He also thanked me for telling him because he finds it scary when grown ups lie.

If you simply tell your son that dad has a girlfriend and it hurts you horribly, your fears will disappear. He has already been hurt by his fathers actions - don't make it worse. You two are on the same side. Your son needs you and your guidance now.

He does not need conflict avoidance from a frightened parent and more affairs from his parents.

You need to go no contact with your husband and expose his affairs so your son does not end up with a mistress for a stepmother.

Your H can then strive to regain his sons respect by acting like a dad.

Let's make this very clear: You were NEVER in Plan B. You were never even close to Plan B.

You have been n Plan C which is most likely to lead to divorce, take a toll on your mental health and well being and confuse your children (more on this later). That's the plan you are in.

Did you read this?

This is fixable but you are being led by feelings....emotions that could change and often do change for a BS, sometimes many times a day. You don't need to "be in a place" to want to be with your H to follow MB, that's missing the point.

Following MB gives you MORE options vs less - ie, the ability to recover your M if you decide you want to do that later (which many BS's do even if initially they don't).

It also puts you on a path to personal recovery and protecting your children in case of Plan B/D if that's what you should decide to do.

This was never answered as far as I could tell. It's extremely hard to help when many posts/ standard MB advice is ignored and honestly when a poster just doesn't seem to really understand MB.

SFL, at this point I would like to point out that we told you over and over that your H was in an active affair over your adamant protestations for the first 5 or so pages of this thread.

I don't believe for one second that you have the full truth about what has been going on in your WH's secret life. I think he intentionally threw some crumbs at you because (again ignoring our advice) you kept grilling him about OW1 and he wanted to distract you from her.

You need to know the full truth of what is going on in order to make good decision on how to proceed. You will need to know the full truth if there is to be any hope to recover this marriage at all.

SFL, you are making serious strategic mistakes that will make it very hard to ever recover from. If you won't take advice from people who have been through this, there is nothing we can do to help you.

If you don't want to save the marriage, I can understand your decision but the rest of your "plan" is only going to make/keep you miserable. If your WH is gone 60% of the month, you would never recover the marriage anyway.

You should still expose the affair to your family and his...and your eldest child. My kids were 6 and 8 when I exposed to them. Unless you want to raise your children with some screwed up views about what a healthy marriage is, I would expose, have WH move out, and speak to an attorney about legal separation or divorce. Given that he makes a good salary, you are not going to starve. Life may change but you would get a decent amount of child support and alimony.

Not exposing and having him live there, may sound "acceptable" now but you will eventually HATE it...and it will eat away at you. For all the years I have been here, I have never seen where an arrangement like this ended well for a BS. They very often end up having their own affair...since they are lonely and miserable. The children just end up more confused too. It's a slow moving train wreck full of resentment and depression. Exposure to family and friends will get you a support system that will benefit you GREATLY...and it is obvious you need one.

As for exposure to the workplace...if you are SURE that you want to toss in the towel, then I am not sure I would expose to the workplace. You may want to write Dr. Harley and ask him about this. I believe he has advised not doing workplace exposure if the BS is a SAHM and will suffer financial hardship if the WS loses employment.

I had a second Dday with a second OW. It was a workplace affair but I did not expose because I was DONE. So my position was, my ex could work like a dog for all I cared and send me a check because we were getting divorced. I don't know if you are in that place though. You sound very unsure about things...which is understandable. However, I wanted a divorce. There is no way I would have signed up for an open marriage like you are proposing. That sounds like Hell on Earth...for me AND my kids...no thank you. You aren't protecting your boy either...you are protecting your WH and perhaps what you think is embarrassment for yourself. This is a common mistake BSs make and they often come back to tell us how much they regret it.

Where is your family?

Well boo hoo for him. I would not allow this SFL. It will be emotionally hard on you and it will affect your children as you get more worn down. You can hire a baby sitter if you need a break. We all know this garbage is exhausting but you are setting yourself up for Plan Doormat too. It would be better for him to spend money on alternative living arrangements vs you spending money on therapy. The cost to your mental and emotional well being will be too high. No amount of money is worth that.