And how is he NOW? That would be nice if he were this way now, but you know he is not now. Romanticizing about the past does not help you accept the reality of the present. And that is the issue at hand.

I fear that you are poised to allow a bad marriage to ruin your entire life. You have a bad marriage, but a good job, make a good living and have wonderful, supportive children. Do you want to sacrifice it ALL for a bad marriage? Do you want to live your latter years in a strange state without a job and without your children?

Your emotions are leading you to a very, very bad place, my friend. I see nothing but more tragedy in your future if you don't get a grip. You have to put your emotions aside and start using your logic. You are a grown up, not a teenager.

I missed this ^^^ before. I would get away from this man for this reason alone...not to mention the 80 other reasons you have. Sorry but your husband does not care about/for you and looks like he may only want a nurse vs a wife. He refuses to help himself and you are enabling him.

I'd rather be alone than be used by my husband. Sorry for your hurt but things will only get worse IMO if you move. If you want to be with someone no matter how they treat you or your children, that is certain your perogative but it sounds miserable to me.

Good luck to you.

RHL, your husband is going to dump you. If not now, then later. Perhaps after you quit your job and move across the country. You will have alienated your sons if you go with your H to Texas. Your sons love you and will be there for you, your husband will not. He has not been there for you.

Your children grew up in a good home with a good model of marriage. it seems that wisdom is guiding their opinion, without the same emotional block that prevents you from seeing this for what it is.

RHL

You have received a wealth of good input and advice, I would be hard press to find more to say but I will.

I want to first let you know that we are not here to tell you what to do, just to tell what works according to Dr. H. Your husband is a freeloader because he is expecting you to sacrifice for him. If he loves you and cares for you why would he want to you to suffer for his benefit.

You moving or not moving is something that you both should be happy about. And if he want to reconnect with his kids and family he need to do it with you as you have with him. You and him should not spend an overnight without each other.

If he is not willing to accommodate your Emotional Needs then what hope do you have to be happy. It sounds like your Love bank is still high for him and you still remember when it was really high. This is the same feeling gamblers feel about gambling. They remember when they won a lot and forget that they have lost so much more.

I don't know if we are going to be able to save you the heartache but trust us if you move it is going to only get worse even though he is promising you he will be better. And, if you felt alone before you will really feel alone when you are away from your family and you have given up everything to chase him.

I have a feeling he doesn't really want you to follow him (because if he did he would have involved you him his decision to move). I feel he is just not man enough to tell you it's over (which it has been for a while). Before he needed you for financial support but now he doesn't need you anymore so he is moving on.

Cut your losses and move on (Unless his ACTIONS not words prove us wrong). Life is too short to waste it with him.

I presented him with options for staying in Indiana for the next 4 years...moving to a different house here...visiting his family several times a year. He said no, that he wants to go to Texas. He said that he is not considering it a break up. He still wants to be with me but he wants it to be there. I am heartbroken.

I am so sorry.

Sorry.

This is devastating, RHL - I am deeply sorry for your pain.

I don't think you should volunteer for any more of this treatment where you are treated as an optional item to take on a move.

That would not make me feel very loved or safe. I would expect to get dumped at some point.

I think you should hold out for someone who treats you as his first priority.

I so sorry to hear that but it better then being in TX when you figure it out.

After presenting my husband with the options that I came up with to stay in Indiana for a few years, then move to Texas and him saying no...this is some of what he said. He said he is not going to get away from me, that he loves me but he wants to be close to his adult children and parents. He said that he does not know if he has a few more years in him due to his health issues and that he is miserable here. He said he intends on getting a two bedroom house and making sure that there is enough space for me (half the drawers and half the closets, this has been an issue with us. He wanted me to empty out half the drawers in the bathroom and bedroom for him. I told him that I felt the bathroom was public area(there is only one bathroom) and he had the whole den to himself...his stuff only including a wardrobe and I didn't have enough space for me)...this is where I created part of our problems.

He reminded me that out happiest times were when we were in his truck together when he was driving cross-country...when he was making most of the decisions about our life. He said that we had not and specifically me had not been that happy since he had lost his decision making role. He feels like we could have that happiness back again but only if he assumes that role again.

I kept getting teary eyed about him leaving.
He said "Is this really how you want to spend our last couple of days together, every time I look at you...you are crying."
I said "That is because I am the one being left behind and I don't understand how this could not be upsetting to you as well."
He said "I look at it as a new beginning. I would love for you to be a part of it but I can't make you go with me that has to be your choice. But I am going."

He is planning to leave on Friday if his car repairs are complete. He intends to come back in three weeks with his son to get the rest of his stuff.

I just feel so devastated over this. I am thinking of telling his parents that this move is not alright with me because I think he is telling his parents and children that I am cool with it. Should I say something to them or just say goodbye.

rhl, I am so sorry. I would tell his parents goodbye. This set up will make it impossible for you to have a marriage. You can't have a marriage if you are not together.

The thing is Melody that he wants to be together, just not here. He wants to be together in Texas.

My two youngest sons want me to do whatever I want to be happy, even if that means moving to Texas. My oldest daughter in Florida is just furious with me for even considering a move to Texas.

I will use the time that he is gone to do some serious thinking. Maybe while we are separated during his initial visit before he moves... I can be more clear headed.

I keep shivering, shaking, and crying.I am in counseling and my medical doctor knows what is going on. The doctor has said that he would write me a prescription for ADs if I want them. My pastor thinks that I should just let time take the pain instead of using the drugs. He thinks that the drugs will just prolong the pain.

I am listening to all the advice on here but right now I feel like I am in a fog of grief and I just want the agony to stop.

Dear RedHeadedLady:

Please, get a prescription for AD's. The result will be that you will be able to think more clearly, and feel less anxiety. You will not feel NO anxiety. Nor will you be numb, or dozey. You will be able to get more rest, which is so necessary during your time of immense stress. And, your need for them will be temporary.

I took Dr. Harley's advice and asked my doc for a prescription for AD's during the nightmare of my husband's affair. They were really helpful for me. They did not "prolong my pain", but allowed me to deal with it.

Work with your doctor to determine which is the right AD, and what the dosage should be for you. They usually take a few days to a week before their results are felt, and you will need to follow your doctor's advice on how to come off them. But if your doc has already ok'd them, I would follow his/her advice.

Listen to your doctor in this case. It sounds like your pastor is uninformed about depression and its effects on people. ADs are a great help in depressed times. They will not prolong your pain; rather, they will bring your negative emotions into a more neutral area, allowing you to think more clearly. Work closely with your doctor.

It would be a great mistake for you to move to Texas right now. Your marriage is already in trouble and if you move, you will lose your financial security and your network of friends and family.

You and your H apparently didn't follow the POJA in order to create a compatible life style you both enjoyed. The best solution would have been for you to sell your current house and move into one that you and your H would have selected, setting it up a way that you both enjoyed. You can still present this idea to him.

If he insists on leaving, then he isn't interested in working together with you to create a great marriage.

Please take your doctor's advice and have him write you a prescription for ADs. They will help the mood swings.

Is there anybody here who thinks it would be a good thing in anyway for me to move to Texas?

Also, any ideas on how to make myself stop crying so much in his presence? I really don't want that to be the last memory of me in his mind.

LongWayFromHome,
"The best solution would have been for you to sell your current house and move into one that you and your H would have selected, setting it up a way that you both enjoyed. You can still present this idea to him."

I did suggest selling the house, finding another house here in Indiana that we would both like and him visiting his family several times a year until I can retire in 3.5 years...then we could move to Texas together. He said NO.

Yes, I do understand that you have presented this idea to him and he refused it, since he has already made up his mind to move to TX, regardless of whether you join him. Although it's water under the bridge, the best time to sell the house and move into something that both spouses like is at the time of the marriage.

It seems that he is not interested at all in being married to you unless it's completely the way he wants it, which means you will lose your job and financial security and your network of friends and be completely vulnerable to a man who doesn't seem to care. I find it alarming that he liked the marriage better when he was making the decisions. The best marriages are those that follow the POJA.