First of all you are not in reconciliation, your WW is in an active A.

Second of all, why would you agree to any contact at all with the OM if she clearly has feelings for him and wanted to leave you for him. 'Weening' off the OM is ridiculous, you are her H and should be the only man in her life. You are/should be more important than any friend or family member. A friend online should not disrupt your M. If you are uncomfortable with her friend then she should end the friendship, if she in uncomfortable with any of your frineds you should end the friendhsip.

Now, I know she is in an A and she won't understand logic but the logic is for you. NC is essential and honestly should be the only thing acceptable to you. Now get to snooping, put a keylogger on your computer and cancel the phone if you she wont let you see it if its in your name, simple.

Lastly and most importantly, EXPOSE. Expose to OM's family ask them to keep OM away from your wife as you are trying to save your marriage. Ask your famliy and friends that have influence on your W to use their influence to help save your M.

I know who he is, and for all thing considered I have the plans in place to unleash hell at a moments notice.

But....

I seem to be dealing with a wife who is intertwining both her needs and agenda's. For example, a lot of the things we have talked about that involves her personal struggles have never been brought out before. Although it is extremely slow in drawing it out it is light years in comparison to what she would accept about herself as a person, wife and mother.

But...

During these feel good conversations is the intertwining of her reinforced assertion that her and his feelings were not true and misdiagnosed as "love" and that she found a friend in the end. When questioned about certain aspects about their "Friendship" the story changes constantly. During the first few weeks of how should we say, the breaking point, she made it clear that she would need to get to the point to let him go, but the expectation was clear, he is to go.

Her being tired, withdrawn and overall moody were the withdrawal signs I have read about and since she was forbidden from spending online tie with him or calling him while my children were awake or if I was home left little time for chit chat between the 2 of them. Of course, there is always her job to allow for communication, which makes me need to get a VAR ASAP.

ABout 2 weeks after the bomb, not D-Day mind you, I saw her carrying around a book to which she would bring to work. Naturally I noticed it and after she left it in the van I read it. The contents were describing their frustration at the distance and the situation as well as perhaps her admiration about him working more, note he was virtually unemployed during the height of their emotional affair. SHe also noted how he says he loves her and says it first, with the "We will see" to close the writing.

When asked if he ever told her that he loved her she said no, I asked again and I got the same answer. So I got the evidence and presented it to her. Her face told it all and I got the excuse that it was her way of writing herself out of her affair.

This is just an example of the problem. But when I challenged her to rugsweeping she wrote a very angry letter to me but threw it away which, after some careful angular lighting was able to read the impression left on the under page of the note pad/ She was mad at my feelings of her rugsweeping and equally mad about being perceived as fake.

So is it normal for wayward Wives to exhibit this behavior? I mean, she still wants him as a friend, assures it was nothing real, but refuses to go NC and gets pissed when I say that her efforts are not good enough?

It is called Fog-babble. She is trying to justify communication with him because she doesn't want to end the A. It is still ongoing.

There is no excuse for her to keep any contact at all with him. What are you worried about? Her leaving?

I had the same fear but you need to get yourself to understand, is this what you want in a Marriage? DO you want a wife that lies to you, gets emotional needs met from another man and continue to have the feeling it gives you (that the world is laughing at you and sees you as a joke). I know the feelings very well and you don't want that in your life so don't let her pressure you or convince you to do things her way, she is addicted to him. She is like a drug addict or alcoholic telling loved ones she can quit on her own and can do it her way....it doesn't work.

She i still emotionally involved with him. She is pushing your buttons to throw you off the scent.

What are you doing that would make you into a more desirable option fir yourself?

What Plan A practices are you continuing to make?

Have you discovered and eliminated any Love Busters on your end?

LTL

Well I changed my shift from second to first to allow for more family time. Been open and available for discussion, my undivided attention is hers where needed.

On only a few occasion during tense moments have any busters been used.

What I am waiting for is the next piece of evidence, which is why I need a VAR. She does not use the home CPU and guars the phone like the grail. Unless I steal the phone and have it hacked I will never get it at this point.

I agree with you all about it continuing still, since this is not the first time I have dealt with this. back in 2007 she had an emotional affair with her ex boy toy and I do believe it bcamee a PA at least once, more on that later.

Would dropping the big D snap her out of it at this point? I mean, I do not want to do it without the last bit of proof.

Only file for a Divorce if you want the Divorce, or once you are emotionally spent and give up.

You should have consultations to find out your rights though if things head in that direction.

LTL

I do not want to file for Divorce however I have not been able to attain the shock value or direct intolerance that I need to make her understand.

I have for the most part performed plan A to a tee. I just can't get her to understand that I cannot ever accept this idiot as just her friend.

I am more so angered by what my children were exposed to during all of this. She used my 11 year old sons ipod to start texting him and the content her and him were talking about were well over the top for what a child should be exposed to in terms of sexual content.

it was also told to me by both of my eldest sons that when they discovered the messages and told her about them she then in turn gave the ipod back without deleting them with the intention of having me find them.

She put them to bed at 5:30 pm one night since she was being disturbed by them and would barricade herself into our room while I was at work to ensure privacy. I left for a week just after valentines day and 7 days later this place was a dump. she spent all her time and energy online or on the phone with him.

I am grateful to tell people this as I feel paralyzed by indecision. How, how do I make her see the realiation and relent to her behavior or acknowledge its effect on me. I will admit that it has been peaceful and all but with the lack of openness among her "Private" area's of life I will not be able to trust her as well as her story revisions about what happened between him and her.

If he lived nearby they would have slept together, something she admitted too wanting to do, albeit for a supposed brief time. She related this desire to her chemical reaction's from his attention.

And I haven't even touched off about her previous emotional, possible PA, from years ago.

If you know who the OM is why haven't you exposed?

Ok, I called the OM's mom and sent a FB message to his Step-Mother. When my wife, who still claims that it is over and haven't spoken in a month or so, got the heads up from him she became furious, which led me to the "The angrier the WS the hard you hit the Target" saying about exposure.

During a little chat afterward this morning, which I had little time for as I needed to go to work, she used the words immature, ridiculous and various other put downs to boot.

Ok, I am nervous as hell, what's the follow up, keep going, then drop a Facebook post bomb to all of our mutual friends? I almost did this last night.

My god she was pissed...And I am still blocked out of everything BTW, no access What so ever. And she also likes to remind me that since this did not go physical it is not a "real" affair and therefor my feeling's are oversensitive and unjust. I don't think so.

You need to finish the exposures or all of your efforts will be for naught. The goal is to run the OM off and kill the affair. Expose to everyone today. Expose to his FB friends, your wife's family and friends, and any children over 4.

Are you using the talking points from my exposure thread? Are you giving the OM's full name and asking your family for support?

Don't stop! That is tantamount to bringing a pea shooter to a gun fight. You will just get your *** shot off!!

Finish your exposures TODAY and ask your wife to stop communicating with this man. Ask her to give you her cell phone and the password so you can validate that contact has ended. She should give you access to everything.

When you are done with your exposures, you should confront the OM and tell him that you will fight for your marriage and he needs to never communicate with your wife again.

Ok, I am anxious but not afraid to go forward. Now I am not talking myself out of this by saying, but if per se she leaves, with out the kids, is this normal?

As for reading your 101 thread I have been perusing this place for months now and finally have been able to get the courage to do what is needed. In fact, I have been desperately trying to read the thread by this so called Wheelspinning you mentioned in an assault the ambush thread which has been slowly providing motivations and you are right. Men are too often afraid to provoke their wives into conflict.

Please tell me I am not overreacting to her EA, When she starts to bombard me with BS I start to doubt my feelings.

This is hard, I have no shame in saying so either.

WE understand completely! We were all anxious too. But the difference between those that make it and those that don't is the ability to act DESPITE the anxiety. You have a very short window that is closing as we speak. It is very important to get all of your exposures NOW or they will have a trickle effect. You need a tsunami effect.


We would tell you if you were overreacting. You are questioning yourself because you have been gaslighted by your wife. We are objective observers who understand your situation and have been through this.

Please get your exposures done TODAY!

I will, I hope to god that people around here are available later this evening when the Sh1T hits the fan, I already have the shakes just thinking about it and I am going to need alot of guidance cause I have never done anything like this before.

But Dr. Harley was right, the only logical answer for her level of anger is in fact that it is not over, not yet it isn't!!

Just keep going, my friend, and don't let up!! It is hard but you can't let fear be your guide.

When your wife wakes up from the fog, she will thank you for standing up for you marriage.

You're doing the right thing.

When will you be finishing it up?

Did it work for you as you expected?

This afternoon after work while she is at work, which is good as I do not think I could do it with her in the house.

I encourage you to post him on www.cheaterville.com and www.playerblock.com.
tell your story and attach a piece of proof, if available.

Cheaters hate internet exposure and it usually causes a lot of drama in the affair