If you have a way of doing so that does not involve getting access to the phone I am all ears. Like I said, no willingness to go transparent and not effort for UA or any real together time.

Is this a lost cause?

It's a lost cause if she's still in contact with the OM. What about getting her phone while she sleeps?

Her phone is coded, cannot bypass on the sly without her knowing it. I honestly do not know if I can take the stress anymore. I mean, she kept him as a FB contact for the longest time to piss me off since she was so "Angry" with me and with the intention of having him around to talk to if me and her fell apart. No transparency, or responsibility for her actions and inactions in regards to our family.

When I try to explain my thoughts on a subject regarding her concerns and complaints they are dismissed as being untrue or unacceptable. I have made sure, and I mean made sure, to communicate constructively, eliminate the love busters, try to focus on her apparent EN's, but as I said whenever I try to point this out when she claims that I am not trying she erupts into a self beat em up mode and says how horrible of a person she is!!! No middle ground.

Key example, Long ago she mentioned that she wanted to go to college for obvious purposes and I made the statement of saying that I don't know how I can help you except for going to work (To finance her need) and watch the children ( To provide child care). For whatever reason she took this as me rejecting her need for this. Ok, fast forward about 8 years and the opportunity arose again except this time I used what I had learned and encouraged her to sign up for classes with as much enthusiasm and positive energy as possible. The result, well, she constantly procrastinated in getting to the school, rescheduled constantly until she just gave up on her own accord. All encouragement on my part was rejected as being to "In her face".

This year after her EA it was identified as a EN (Self fulfillment) for not having a career. Efforts were made by me to get her the courses she needed to pursue this endeavor. Although she started the classes, bought all the support materials as well she soon abandoned the schooling without even talking to me or telling me about it.

This is just one highlight of malcontent and frustration on my part.

Sir, I don't think you exposed the affair as you were told to months ago.
Did you post the OM on www.cheaterville.com and www.playerblock.com?
Did you contact the OM parents and ask them to help end the affair?
Who did you expose to?

exposure included the om's mother and step-mother
her mother, step father and real father, step brother, sister, 2 aunts and her grandmother.

the net result is either neutrality or non involvement with quiet support.

our eldest sons know what's going on with our eldest together being able to freely recognize the problems originating from her. I still have not been given access to anything and thrown bones to chew on. She read off the texts with me over her shoulder to validate and it appears that the relationship died out or simply went deep underground. A VAR placed strategically confirmed the lack of calls while she was away from the home, no evidence.

Fights between us start with a complaint or concern that I make which soon erupts into full blown fights. When I asked why she kept him as a FB contact it was with the intention of making me angry and keeping him available to contact in case we fell apart. This is self defeating is it not? I mean one of the sources of our, my, marital, problem was from her inaction/action regarding a matter She knew I couldn't stand and then would use that Stress" as an excuse to call him, eventually, IF we fell apart?!!!!!

All efforts to connect are near futile, and as for UA, there is nothing more that I can do. I reduced my work load, eliminated LB'S as much as practical and asked her to find a job with more appealing hours for our family dynamic, which were not even explored past the online search phase. Thus we work alternate shifts bareley able to even see each other let alone spend quality time together. Yes, I know that the tally of 15 hours is not really included but engagement in daily activities would be helpful and seeming how work place affairs start in busy environments it was better than nothing at all.

All efforts for transparency are dismissed, or acknowledged then later ignored. Nuff said there. Rather than spend any time together she decides to spend time online with that damn game. I mentioned my complain about being ignored and feeling anxious as this was the medium used to start the EA. She agreed, but did nothing to address this in her actions and in fact increased her online time thus making me irritated and eventually angry as my request was completely ignored.

She also has been focused on getting her hands on the evidence which include the audio of her online conversation with the OM, her emotional and verbal abuse towards my eldest son, her disregard to smoking in the house, her having my eldest son prepare oatmeal for the children dinner, further issues as well and all associated items as well including my journals. for the former she'll claim she needs these material to get past this marital issue and wants my journals to read over to understand me better. neither request to me makes sense.

No effort has been made to repair the damage she has done to my eldest son from the abuse she has done to him. His siblings have also remembered a lot more than I thought which makes it hard to bear.

She has also attempted suicide twice since this has happened and 5 times over all, this last time I made her go to therapy or face the on call clinicians, she chose the former.

She has also made severely mean comments towards me regarding my feelings or complaints from the affair, leaving me totally defeated.

And during it all she has also been diagnosed with either bipolar traits as well as bpd traits as well along with reactive depression. This has made her withdraw from the family and spend little time awake during the day when I am gone.

She is now saying that the only way to fix herself is to leave via a separation which I have protested for many reasons, the primary as Harley notes is not being able to fix any issues while apart. But Between everything I am facing with work, children, bills, house care, after work sporting activities and much more I am ready to pop. I read a statement Melodylane wrote about "the first time in 13 years she ever heard of a wife wanting to leave without the involvement of another man" and I tend to agree with her. However maybe she is needing this time away legitimately.

This has put me at a cross road gamble in a sorts. See if I post a facebook post for ALL to see then I risk restarting the affair as she may be tempted to contact him again, which is something she swears up and down she isn't going to do but does not dismiss that maybe this will lead to divorce as a "Who knows" statement.

Or do I risk letting her walk to actually fix herself and trust that she will not restart the affair whether the depression issues are present or a smokescreen (please note I am not denying the issues exist, but people are people and sometime they lie so...)

And Jedi, please stop putting links on your posts, I cannot see this forum from my work as it is filtered out, well, you posts anyway.

After doing some research it also appears that I am suffering from post infidelity PTSD, never knew it was a condition.

Self diagnosing and putting labels on your state of mind will not help you.

Focus only on being a better version of who you are and continue to attempt to Get A Life finding even the slightest bits of joy in pursuits and friendships. Volunteer somewhere to feel a purpose. Keep your focus OFF of your marriage and spouse. When it strikes, give it a short moment to process and then divert your focus to something else. It isn't easy, but it does eventually start to get better.

LTL

I take it that you think this is a lost cause?

Again, post him on Cheaterville for the whole world to know.


There is no excuse for this behavior on either of your parts.

I know JD, IT has been difficult, but believe me I am doing m best.

Other than cheater Ville what else is there that I can do? I keep getting mixed signals, the day she claimed separation was the only answer she starts crying saying she doesn't want to leave but feels she can't stay...????????

She has even agreed to have the kids live here and her move out?

Try and make as many deposits as possible. Where and when will she be doing visitation?

It hasn't started yet, and with no proof of the OM or any other OM I feel hopeless, but I have been calmer lately in regards to talking to her. The red flags are still there, no transparency, phone still on lockdown and she takes her purse everywhere.

She hasn't packed anything yet and seems to be conflicted, but what is the confliction about though.

Plan A was working but the anxiety of her making me wait so long for any insight or proof that the affair was over really took it's toll. Add in the NEED for her to get the evidence back has also caused some tension.

Sir, do not let her convince you to leave your home.
If anyone leaves, she does...and if she decides to do NOT help her pack or move.

Sir,

I was in a similar situation.
My wife needed time to "think" and "figure out where she was in life"....well it turned out she was having an affair....

and she later did leave the kids and I...

but I stayed in the house and got custody of the kids because courts do not favor parents who leave the home.

JD,

Trust me, I know in my heart and gut what is going on but I cannot prove anything and know from experience since I heard this before from a past relationship nearly word for word.

From reading SAA it appears right now she is on the fence since she knows what she is going to lose but unable to shake the "Soul Mate" feeling, which she says isn't there. It was never about him, but about her she says, which is true, but since she didn't choose to end it more as it died out I can only assume she was just holding out and sabotaging the repair efforts as much as possible to say "see, we didn't work, time to call it quits".

I guess between the strain of possibly losing my wife and taking over all the duties including raising 4 children alone is taking it's toll, I can do it but its gonna suck.

[/quote]

Sir, do not let her convince you to leave your home.
If anyone leaves, she does...and if she decides to do NOT help her pack or move. [/quote]

Oh no Sir, I am not leaving, I made that perfectly clear. I think she still has the goal of living together and seeing other people... I think anyway, but I know that'll never work.

Make sure you're documenting everything, especially with her leaving.

DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT

You can do it.
I took over raising 3 kids and there are others here that can help you with advice and resources if it comes to that

I have faith in me but the unknown is what is killing me. It seems like she likes or needs attention from her other online friends all the while I have been getting stonewalled.

I also do not trust her at all about any future plans concerning me or the children. Since she has lied about all the other "I'll never's" I can't help but get this deflated feeling from the fear of what she may do.

she still hasn't packed or anything like that yet either. But she has also engaged in very little contact or talking. I suppose if I knew what the outcome was going to be I'd be okay with it, limbo is where I seem to be stuck in, and it sucks.

Well in an interesting development. today I went for a walk for about an hour an when I returned I went into the bedroom to get something and the wife was doing her online gaming thing, but she seemed irritable and asked rather abruptly "what?", I answered non chalantly but unaggresiveley nothing and left. a few moments later I went back in to get some clothes and again she was tense and asked firmly what I wanted, which I said clothes. she then gets up in front of the tv and turns the game system off and claims some people were simply annoying her as to why she seemed irritable.

sounds legit, but, her just cutting the system off is highly irregular. so I checked to see if the OM was online and coincidently he was last seen just around the time she turned the system off.

thanks to technology I asked to see who the recent played list which would confirm my suspicions and she locked up, got angry and refused to show me saying I was picking a fight even though I asked as politely as possible and was as passive as a kitten, she still wound not honor my request.

I think its safe to say he's back, or did he ever leave?

I just can't figure out what I am doing wrong or not enough of!!!