Hi everyone. I am new here and really to forums in general. I apologize in advance if this post is extremely long. I hope that some people familiar with this will respond. Also I would greatly appreciate private messages if they would help.

I have been married for almost three years, together for four. We started having major relationship problems about 9 months ago. Things got so bad that we were both pretty unhappy, and fighting almost constantly. Recently, two months ago, my husband left me. He was gone for a whole week. I really did think it was over and that he was going to proceed with the divorce. We also have a 2 year old just FYI. I was a basket case for that week. I felt like my life was over and I couldn't even breathe and I could hardly function. The reason he left was he said he couldn't take it anymore. I realized looking back, both during that week and after he returned, that I have been emotionally and verbally abusive constantly for the last several months that we had been fighting, and also at rare other times in our relationship. And what I specifically have done and said are things like name calling, putting him down, saying he's worthless occasionally, yelling at him over the tiniest things, and so forth. I'm also a little OCD about things, so things make me mad pretty easily. Before he returned he said he didn't even know if he loved me anymore and that I was too controlling. I definitely think I am extremely insecure and controlling. Although affording to another post I saw earlier, by VickyJ or something? That some of my jealousy and questions I ask are normal. It's just hard to know with all of these overlapping issues. Anyway, the last day he was gone I spilled my heart out to him of course, in a calm way and explained my thoughts and feelings and how I thought it would be best for all of us for him to come back, and that I wouldn't treat him like that anymore, and would take the necessary steps for self improvement that I needed. Which I sincerely meant, it was a HUGE wake up call and I have never felt so terrible. I also said how sorry I was of course. Since he came back I have not done any abusing at all, haven't spoken a mean word to him and things feel stronger than ever. I was browsing the internet the other day though, and read all these articles on abuse. I got majorly concerned that I had scarred him for life and that it might be in his best interest to leave the relationship. I was extremely upset, told him how deeply sorry I was and that I realize the parameters of my past behavior, and that he deserves better. I also explained how I take complete responsibility for my actions, and that not a single thing I did was in any way his fault. He insists he does not want to leave and never wants to. He still says he had thought about going through with divorce that week, but thst really he just wanted me to truly change and realize how I was treating him. And says he loves me more than ever. I have also started going to individual counseling btw, and also have Been on antidepressants since the day after he came back. Looking back I Realized I was depressed that whole time we were fighting, not an excuse at all, but I think that might have influenced my behavior? I guess I just really needed some outside advice based on the concepts of Dr. Harvey, what do you guys think about all of this and do you think my husband should be staying? I really think that I will never be abusive again. I have just made a conscious choice to never again treat anyone like that. And I think the therapy will help tremendously, along with my antidepressants and possibly anger management. And like I said there is another post by a man saying his wife is abusive, and some of the other behaviors he said were controlling, like asking questions and being jealous etc, I also have, and wonder if I should be modifying it. I love my husband more than anything. I would do anything to help myself and/or our marriage. Including marriage counseling if need be. Thanks in advance for your input! Oh another thing. I also think I am a little emotionally dependent. I am so scared after reading tons of articles online I feel like there are a million things wrong with me.

Can you kindly break that into paragraphs and perhaps shorten it so we can read it? Thanks.

Hi everyone. I am new here and really to forums in general. I apologize in advance if this post is extremely long. I hope that some people familiar with this will respond. Also I would greatly appreciate private messages if they would help.
I have been married for almost three years, together for four. We started having major relationship problems about 9 months ago. Things got so bad that we were both pretty unhappy, and fighting almost constantly. Recently, two months ago, my husband left me. He was gone for a whole week. I really did think it was over and that he was going to proceed with the divorce. We also have a 2 year old just FYI. I was a basket case for that week. I felt like my life was over and I couldn't even breathe and I could hardly function. The reason he left was he said he couldn't take it anymore.
I realized looking back, both during that week and after he returned, that I have been emotionally and verbally abusive constantly for the last several months that we had been fighting, and also at rare other times in our relationship. And what I specifically have done and said are things like name calling, putting him down, saying he's worthless occasionally, yelling at him over the tiniest things, and so forth. I'm also a little OCD about things, so things make me mad pretty easily. Before he returned he said he didn't even know if he loved me anymore and that I was too controlling. I definitely think I am extremely insecure and controlling.
Although affording to another post I saw earlier, by VickyJ or something? That some of my jealousy and questions I ask are normal. It's just hard to know with all of these overlapping issues. Anyway, the last day he was gone I spilled my heart out to him of course, in a calm way and explained my thoughts and feelings and how I thought it would be best for all of us for him to come back, and that I wouldn't treat him like that anymore, and would take the necessary steps for self improvement that I needed. Which I sincerely meant, it was a HUGE wake up call and I have never felt so terrible. I also said how sorry I was of course. Since he came back I have not done any abusing at all, haven't spoken a mean word to him and things feel stronger than ever. I was browsing the internet the other day though, and read all these articles on abuse. I got majorly concerned that I had scarred him for life and that it might be in his best interest to leave the relationship. I was extremely upset, told him how deeply sorry I was and that I realize the parameters of my past behavior, and that he deserves better. I also explained how I take complete responsibility for my actions, and that not a single thing I did was in any way his fault. He insists he does not want to leave and never wants to. He still says he had thought about going through with divorce that week, but thst really he just wanted me to truly change and realize how I was treating him. And says he loves me more than ever. I have also started going to individual counseling btw, and also have Been on antidepressants since the day after he came back. Looking back I Realized I was depressed that whole time we were fighting, not an excuse at all, but I think that might have influenced my behavior? I guess I just really needed some outside advice based on the concepts of Dr. Harvey, what do you guys think about all of this and do you think my husband should be staying? I really think that I will never be abusive again. I have just made a conscious choice to never again treat anyone like that. And I think the therapy will help tremendously, along with my antidepressants and possibly anger management.
And like I said there is another post by a man saying his wife is abusive, and some of the other behaviors he said were controlling, like asking questions and being jealous etc, I also have, and wonder if I should be modifying it. I love my husband more than anything. I would do anything to help myself and/or our marriage. Including marriage counseling if need be. Thanks in advance for your input! Oh another thing. I also think I am a little emotionally dependent. I am so scared after reading tons of articles online I feel like there are a million things wrong with me.

That didn't work very well. Sorry..

Thank you for breaking htat up a bit!! It makes it much easier to read. We have the solution to your problems. The solution is to stop your lovebusting, and to create a romantic, safe marriage. If you can do that, then your husbands bad memories will be replaced by new ones.

I would start off reading this article: How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage

The first book you and your husband should read is Lovebusters. It is important to get your lovebusters under control. With you it is angry outburst. With him, I wonder what he is doing that makes you feel jealous? Jealousy is a normal reaction to a THREAT to your marriage. What is causing this?

Go through Lovebusters together and do the lessons at the end of each chapter. You will also need the workbook Five Steps to Romantic Love and the book His Needs, Her Needs. The lessons in all of these books will help you tremendously.

Another great - and FREE - resource is the Marriage Builders radio show that plays every day. You can listen to it by clicking on the radio link at the top of each page.

Do you need anger management to control your angry outbursts? How is that going?

And what do you think is causing your depression? When women are depressed it is usually because of her marriage. What is the cause, in your opinion?

Listen to these clips.
Anger Management 101

You're welcome. And thank you!! Okay, I will follow all of your advice and look into all of that. Now to talk about my jealousy. I get very jealous of other women, usually when he talks about women he works with. And also he is the kind of man who swears to me that he doesn't find any other women attractive(he has been this way since I met him and since we started dating), and I just find that really hard to believe. I didn't think that was possible for any man. I have tried tons of times to get him to admit it but he never will. So I am always worried when he talks about girls at work a lot, that he likes them more than me or gets along better, wishes he could date or have a relationship with them without the stress of ours. I know it sounds kind of childish, but that's the truth. Like I said I'm an extremely insecure person. I think that's the root of it. And several months back when we were having lots of problems he reached out to an ex through Facebook and hid it from me. That's another reason I think.

I don't know if I need anger management. I honestly think the therapy might be able to help eliminate that. I think if we address the root cause of my anger, that I will have no reason to continue being angry. I have always had a very quick to anger/quick to be annoyed personality, even in all of my other relationships.

About the depression, I am not sure. I think maybe I did start to get depressed after some deeper problems started.

You are insecure because he has poor boundaries around women. He shouldn't be talking to women at work and he most certainly should not be talking to any ex's!!! That is how affairs start.

Talking to and about other women means the competition hasn't closed. When you get married, the competition is supposed to be CLOSED. That is why you are insecure.

You will feel more secure if he stops all that. That could be why you are so depressed...That would sure depress me if my H talked to women all day and then spoke to exes on facebook!

You are insecure because he is placing your marriage at risk. He is drunk driving and you are in the back seat. If he would stop risking your marriage, your "insecurity" would be greatly alleviated.

And lets just say you are an "insecure" nutjob, [which I do not believe at all!!] wouldnt' the best solution be to stop tormenting you? If my H was a crackpot, I would certainly not try to torment him.

Welcome to MB! I am glad that he left for a week, sounds like it was the wake-up call you both needed so you two can get back on track. I think you both will benefit greatly from the extraordinary care in the MB concepts.

One thing that can be especially hard with a two year old is UA, undivided attention, time. Do you have friends or family who can watch the baby for date night, or swap babysitting with you?

Yes I agree. I have always thought he shouldn't be talking to women at all, but I have felt like I was just being crazy insecure. He also communicates to them about personal things, even mentioned when we were having problems...and that really bothered me. And I always felt like since I had treated him badly that I didn't have a right to feel jealous.

And yes New, I agree that the undivided attention will be our biggest obstacle. It is very hard with young children. I have family who can help out, and I will try to arrange that as much as possible, but I always feel like I'm being a burden :-(

Do you know that 60% of marriages experience affairs? And did you know that they start with opposite sex friendships just as you ddescribed here. The Surviving an Affair forum is full of thousands of affairs that began just that way.

Check this out: The Risk of Opposite-sex Friendships in Marriage

Yes I agree. I've known that and read it a million times, and that's why I hate it! Lol. Thanks for the link I will check it out.

What do you think about marriage counseling? Should we go or is my individual therapy enough? I have heard sometimes marriage counseling can do more damage than good.

You should do just fine with the reading material I listed above, the forum and the radio show. You won't find that kind of help in marriage counseling generally.

Okay I can do that

Girl, that's exactly what I figured! It goes right along with the insecurity, you two feeling like you and the baby are a burden, but with the women friends he can be light and free. This is what you can change up, get away *together* instead of feeling like the old ball and chain all the time. No one wants to feel like that.

It's not a burden, especially if you can swap and help strengthen their marriages with date nights away from the kids too. I used to try to work it to have two friends' kids sleep over one night, then I had two nights my ex and I could go out! And long term, my best friend and I used to swap Friday nights. The best part was sleeping in the next morning It's much less burden on your family babysitting once a month than to be single and lean on them all the time! Please arrange it now before you get sick of your DH again.

Okay thanks I will try that. Also I was wondering what you think about my emotional dependence? I really feel as though I wouldn't be able to live without my husband, and saw first hand the week he was gone. I have read that is very unhealthy. Any tips on becoming less dependent on him?