IB - Independent Behavior

Quick update...I only have a few minutes. I will get back to the responses after my H goes to bed tonight and I have more time.

We had our discussion this morning and my H agreed to talk to Steve. YEAH! We have an appointment Wednesday.

Unfortunately, the day went downhill between us from there on. The abbreviated version is I couldn't sleep last night, only got 2 hours. I've been tired and irritable. I got my feelings hurt because my H told my daughter he would like to have our grandson again tomorrow. I told him I understood not having time alone together yesterday, because he wanted to golf and spend time with grandson. But I was not okay with remaining last on his priority list. He said I wasn't. I said if I wasn't then why didn't he choose to spend UA time with me before golf with friends and our grandson. He did apologize and said he will show me that I am his first priority from here out. I didn't respond because I don't believe him and finally found the restraint I had been missing in my irritability. Once I felt I could respond without attitude, I accepted his apology. I did finally get a nap so I'm not as irritable. We're going to our neighbor's for pizza and margaritas. I'm feeling disconnected and awkward around my H, so this is probably a good thing. Hopefully I sleep good tonight and tomorrow is better

Hi tamak

Since you are leery to seek legal advice...if you live in TX (another poster mentioned TX)...there is no such thing as legal separation in TX. Only divorce can be filed. Spousal support is not automatic either. TX is also a community state which has certain tax implications that you would need to consider. Anyway...just a few FYIs.

I see that you have signed up for MB coaching. I hope your H gets onboard and makes the changes you are looking for...that you can avoid divorce but just wanted to point those things out to you.

Good luck!!

graceful2b



It is.



Very well put. You're right, I know it....logically. Its so hard to stop. I have always been the giver, putting everyone's needs before mine. I have gotten better at asking for my needs to be met, but I use avoidance more and more the less my husband meets my needs. Its easier than trying to communicate with him about it. That leads to frustration I'd just as soon avoid.



Its good to be understood, but sorry you're dealing with the frustration of these issues, too.



Thank you for the recommendation. Sounds like a great book. I'm going to ask SH if he thinks it would be a good one for me to get and/or mention to my husband first. I'm afraid of rocking the boat, since he agreed to talk to SH.



I think about it more and more every day....



I look forward to learning how to do that

Thank you for your response

black_raven

Thank you for the information. I do live in Texas. I didn't think legal separation was an option in this state.



Thank you. He has agreed to talk to Steve at least once, to see if he likes him as a coach

I am ready for our apt with Steve, Wed. I feel like I've been on a roller coaster since my H got home. The peaks are enjoyable and the valleys suck. I'm in complete avoidance mode right now because we've been in the last valley since Saturday. The valleys always happen when I rock the boat by voicing my displeasure at something. I'll tell him that a, b or c made me feel disrespected, ignored or unappreciated (most common complaints). He will typically respond like the man in the "Ouch? No, no..Let me Explain" article. I tell him I don't think he is hearing me. He says he hears me and understands but continues in the "Let me explain" fashion. I get frustrated. He gets frustrated. I withdraw. He withdraws. We have both been in withdrawal mode since Saturday. I've slept on the couch the last 2 nights. I came out of withdrawal mode briefly yesterday, because he did something really sweet and thoughtful for me. I tried to hug him and tell him I really appreciated it. He pushed me away and said I could hug him in a minute. The minute never came. He wasn't feeling good at bedtime and wanted affection and for me to sleep with him. He likes to cuddle when he doesn't feel good. I let him hug me and hugged him back because I didn't want to reject him the way he rejected me. But my heart wasn't in it and I slept on the couch.

I hope it goes well, Tama. I am hoping so hard that you caught this in time, before you give up on him altogether. But then I think, worse case, it's still not too late, if he gets consistent with his changes you will come to trust them in time. Do you have family that can support you in staying motivated through this?

NED

Thank you for the support and encouragement. I wouldn't have made it this far without it. I have a good support system in friends. They are very supportive of not just me, but of both of us and our reconnecting. So its a healthy support system.

The session with Steve went really well this morning. He talked to my H by himself first, then me by myself. He wants us to watch the basic concepts videos and read He Wins/She Wins together. Its going to be tricky, because my H leaves in the morning for 2 weeks. But Steve suggested we start on the videos tonight together and then watch them independently and discuss them over the phone. Same with the book. We each have a kindle. He suggested we download it, decide how much to read each day independently and then discuss what we read over the phone. Then have another session with Steve when my H comes home.

My H said he liked Steve and is on board with working with him and doing what he suggests. There was a marked difference in the way he spoke to me, after his talk with Steve. I felt included, like he was talking to me, instead of at me, and like I was a part of the discussion, instead of a witness to it. He deposited several LB units in that one short conversation. I felt closer to him in that one moment than I have all week. So I'm feeling optimistic that we can do this. I told him I was very hopeful, because I love him very much and I don't want us to just be OK. I want us to be GOOD together. He said that's what he wants to and he hopes Steve can help us get there. We ended with a long hug and I love yous. I wanted to suspend that moment in time, it was so great for me Lol

Wow Tama how awesome!

That's great he liked Steve and is committed to the MB program.

Does he travel alot for his job? Is he gone overnight alot?

Thanks NED and BH




I cannot express how relieved I am! He agreed with the basic concepts and read His Needs/Her Needs and agreed with the principles, when I first found MB years ago. But he wasn't keen on implementing them. So I was unsure about his willingness to commit to Steve's suggestions.

Today has been a record Love Bank deposit day. This is the first time in a really long time that we haven't had an argument the day and or night before he left for work. I am sad he is leaving, when I had gotten to the point I was relieved just because I needed a break from the tension and frustration and life was just easier for me with him gone.



He is an oil field consultant. He has to live on location when he goes to work. He is supposed to start a 2 week on, 2 week off rotation as of tomorrow, which is still more than I would like, but much better than the 3 weeks on, 1 week off he was working. His rig is only an hour and a half away. I used to be able to go visit or stay with him. But that's not allowed anymore.

He will need to find another job.
You must no longer spend nights apart.

This is what I want. He is resistant. He loves his job and the money he makes. He did say tonight that he agrees with paying all our bills off, and not acquiring any new ones, so he will have the option of finding a new job. Its the first time he has said this....

I sure Steve will help you all work to this stage. I wouldn't start that dialogue unless that is what Steve thinks you should do. I don't want you to scar him off but instead let it build to this point.

What about a non traveling job in the same industry? Marketing? Safety? Safety jobs are huge and they usually pull from the engineers in the field. My H works for an oil well service company and he is the manager of their safety program in North America.

life4799



Its just so hard. My patience level is something Steve and I talked about. He told me I need to try to stay optimistic and not get ahead of my H in this process. I was just so sad to see him packing his stuff up last night. We finally found a connection with each other and then he had to leave. I am making a concerted effort to not get ahead of him on the videos and book Steve asked us to watch and read together. We were able to watch 2 videos together yesterday and got the book downloaded to both of our kindles. I emailed him the link to the videos and we set a time for him to call me tonight after he has a chance to see how things are going at the rig and if his signal is strong enough for him to be able to watch the videos at the rig or if we have to wait till he comes home to finish those and how much of the book we're going to read and discuss each day. This is a big step for me. To wait for him so we can do it together. Its hard. I'm ready to dive in...but I want us to do it together more.

It will all come together just take your time and listen to Steve.

ML



There are several jobs in his field that don't involve much travel. He might have to drive to several locations during the day to oversee things, but would still be home every night and have at least 2 days off a week. We know several people who do this. He said he and Steve talked allot about his job and schedule. Steve told me the same thing and that he told my H he had to realize there was a risk of losing something if he kept his current job or changed, we needed to decide together which was more important.

The money he makes is what my H keeps coming back to as his reason for not wanting to change jobs. The options that offer more time at home, don't pay nearly as good. I personally would rather have him home than the money. We have money to do almost anything we want, have almost anything we want. But I do most things by myself or with friends and none of the stuff we have keeps me from feeling lonely. He's not home to enjoy the stuff we have very much. Ex; we bought 2 4-wheelers a couple years ago because there is a dried up lake bed close by with bbq pits and picnic tables. We had one great fun-filled day of 4-wheeling and bbqing with friends and family there 2 years ago. We said we were going to go every time he came home during the summer. We haven't been back since and the 4-wheelers only get used now to pick up golf balls in the field behind our house. Now he wants to buy a boat. I won't agree unless he is home enough for us to actually get to use it fairly regularly. It seems like a waste otherwise to me.

life4799



I hope so. I feel optimistic for the first time in a long time. If we can keep the connection we found while he is gone and do the homework Steve gave us, I think we have a real chance. I'm a little nervous that he might get wrapped up in work and forget to call or do the homework, but I'm trying not to let myself think that way and trust that he will do what he said he will. To help me with that I plan to distract myself with busy work, projects around the house and practicing my golf game. And I have a 'date' tomorrow night with a friend whose husband is also going out of town for a few days. Girl talk and margaritas should be a good distraction

My husband sent me a text 3 hours ago that he can call me at 7 but wont have time to look at the book to see how long the chapters are or if he can access the videos so we can make a plan for tomorrow. I think he might be making excuses before he tries. This has been a pattern before. Am I being unreasonable?