I understand now that we should have sold the house and found another place years ago. He liked living here the first few years, he loved the six acres of land (he created a small race track in back to drive sandrails and scooters), he loved the 2 garages, even living in the country. I did not realize for a long time that because the house was one that my deceased husband and I purchased and because the kids were associating the house with their dad...that it was creating problems between us.

As I posted when you first came here, due to your husbands angry outbursts (and threatening to shoot your sons), Dr. Harley would probably encourage you to separate from him until he can control his anger.

Quitting your job and moving with him would probably not be advised

Based on some of your posts, it sounds like the garage and tools were like a museum for the deceased husband and your current husband hated it.

The main issue right now is the angry outbursts and physical threats.

You can email Dr. Harley directly if you like: mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. Include your name and number and he may speak with you personally.

If he learned how to control his anger, and was willing to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement you could have a great marriage.

But moving with him at this point does not guarantee any future success.

RHL

I think he is being very clear that he doesn't care about your happiness. The AD will help with the crying but you don't need to mask your feelings. Your feelings are valid and his choice to still move forward despite you obvious displeasure says volumes about how he feels about you.

Don't listen to his word (it only designed to pacify you will he moves), once he has completely moved out I doubt he'll even waste time on that. Watch his actions, a man that wants to be with you wouldn't leave you.

And, don't let him convince you that by not following him you have chosen to end this marriage. He has chosen to leave you not the other way around.

It is obvious that he is not a spiritual man but some men us the Bible to control their spouse. And I'm not sure if that is the case here, but if that is the case, be assured that the Bible believes in the Policy of Joint Agreement, so don't let him use that either.

He may have felt that way about the garage Jedi, I don't know. He had full access to it and everything at the house. My sons would get upset if one of their dad's tools was broken by my husband and my husband would get upset if the boys did not put the tools back properly. Like I said, problems that I should have seen but didn't because I was an idiot at the time.

You are not a mind reader, if it was a big concern of his then he should of voiced it. I'm sure if he did you would of discussed options that may work for both of you. You are not a idiot just human and don't waste your energy trying to figure out what you could of done to make him want to stay. You're not the reason he is not staying, he is a freeloader and no matter what you would of done it wouldn't stopped his freeloader ways.

I don't know Life, I keep looking back on all the things that I did wrong. I would come home from work and be aggravated because he has spent the day watching TV, playing video games, or playing on the computer. Then I would be doing dishes, cooking, and laundry. The reason why I was wrong is because I would get upset with him for not doing anything but not so upset with my teenage son for not doing anything to help out. I would make excuses for my son...he goes to school all day and has several hours of homework to do after school. While you are home all day and do nothing to help. I can see the error in my ways but it is much too late to do anything about it. I screwed up.

He was your husband and a grown up not your kid!

You seem determined to find excuses for his freeloading, lazy, insulting lack of care. Ever have any 'teenage boy' problems with your first husband? Of course you would be upset with that. Your mistake was not kicking him out for treating you like a meal ticket.

Now he's controlling too and is set on making all your decisions for you. While making it clear he cares nothing for you and will KILL any children who dare to stand up for you.

It is them I feel sorry for actually because you've always had a choice. They lost their father, then they lost their mother to a two-faced con act.

At least their father didn't go voluntarily.

If you must run after him, try to keep some money aside and keep saving for the day when he walks away again. Or you come to your senses. Tell your children about this fund so they have some reassurance in their terror for you.

They say the spouse who cares least has the most power. You are the weakest because you accept his lack of care.

Hell, he moved in commitment free and jobless for three years at the very start. That was the red flag which showed it was never going to be any good.

You are weeping in front of him and he simply doesn't care.

He is willing to take a slave, but he will never be a true partner you can make decisions with. You can never expect him to care about you want.

You'd be selling your soul.

How can someone who has experienced true happiness in her first marriage settle for this sham?

Can you imagine your first H pulling this trick? What do you think he would say?

Please don't throw away the security of your home and your nearby family to follow someone who makes you feel unsafe and unloved.

My husband left for Texas today. We have spent a substantial amount of time talking the last couple of days and I already miss him.

I am so sorry.

Very sorry for you, RHL.

Maybe revisit the doc for some AD's, and if possible, get some physical activity to ward off depression in the short term

I started AD's two days ago. He is planning on coming back at the first of June to get the rest of his belongings. He said, "I Love You and I am not leaving you." I asked him to clarify because what I hear is that he is coming back to stay. He said no that he is still moving to Texas but he would make sure that whatever place he got would have room for me. He would make sure that I had half the dresser space and half the closet space (this was another issue that had caused him to be upset, because he did not have the same amount of space as me...I look at it now and think about how stupid I was to argue over such a little thing). I thought because he had a whole den to himself including a wardrobe and a clothes rack that would equal enough space, obviously I wasn't truly listening to the things that bothered him because even the little things build up.

I have been reflecting on our relationship and what has occurred over the past few years. I know I can't go back and request a "redo" but if I could I would do things differently. I told too much of our personal business to family and friends, this caused problems with their feelings towards him. I was so upset and selfish with how I thought he should be that I kept trying to change him instead of acknowledging all the good in him. The most awful thing that I did...I kept thinking about having him leave and kept pushing him away...through words and my actions. I would get annoyed because it felt like he was constantly touching me, looking at me, calling me too much while I was working...I made him feel so unloved and unappreciated. I realize now the mistakes that I made and it is too late to do anything about it. I am so miserable and don't know what to do with all the empty time on my hands.

It is bad enough when you are not accepted by your spouses family but it is even worse when the person that you have chosen to spend your life with shows you in every action that she does not want you in her life.

He is facing difficulties on the road already. He didn't have enough money to pay for a hotel room and gas to finish his trip so he slept in his car in a truck stop last night. He is towing an old VW to give to his son and along the way the wheel came off and damaged the brake drum. He had to put another wheel on and it was difficult for him because of his health issues. He was about half way to Texas when I talked to him last night.

rhl, the reason your marriage fell apart is because he wouldn't change. That is not a "mistake" to tell your complaints to your spouse; it is the path to a compatible, loving marriage. The problem is that he wouldn't change to accommodate your needs.

Your husband is what Dr. Harley calls a freeloader:

Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.

Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.

Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accommodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carper, replacing the roof, and even doing some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.

Renters believe Our relationship is temporary. You may be right for me today and wrong for me tomorrow.

Buyers believe We are together for life.

Renters believe Our relationship should be fair. What I get should balance what I give.

Buyers believe We both contribute whatever it takes to make our relationship successful.

Renters believe As needs change, the relationship may end if needs are difficult to meet.

Buyers believe As needs change, we will make adjustments to meet new needs.

Renters believe Criticism may prompt me to change if it's worthwhile for me to do so.

Buyer believe Criticism indicates a need for change.

Rentersbelieve Sacrifice is reasonable as long as it's fair.

Buyers believe Sacrifice is dangerous and to be avoided.

Renters believe Short-term fixes are fine.

Buyers believe long-term solutions are necessary.

I have been talking to my sister's and my children about moving to Texas. My youngest two sons (18 and 20) say they want me to do whatever will make me happy. My two daughters (24 and 26) are livid that I would even consider choosing my husband over them, they both live in other states. My sisters think I should think long and hard about it and have a backup plan but they just want me to be happy. I feel like I am having to choose between my kids and my husband. Has anybody else ever moved to another state to be with their husband when they have adult children?

Melody, If we know how somebody is when we marry them...shouldn't we accept them for who they are instead of trying to change them?

I have been paying close attention to the things that he does around here for the past couple of weeks and I started noticing the things that I appreciate about him. I know that some of these things may sound silly to people but they are still things that I appreciate. I love coming home in the evening and spending those first few minutes talking...he will normally ask me how my day was and listen, then he tells me about his day. If either of us had a funny story or some issue come up, we call the other one. My tire was flat the day before he left and he took care of it. On weekends when I am home, he fixes breakfast for us. He enjoys when I am actively involved watching a movie...when I laugh out loud or shriek when I am scared...some people get annoyed at that. I fell going down the ramp the day he was leaving, he was immediately at my side helping me up and making sure that I was okay. I'm not scared when he is here, he makes me feel safe.