Indeed and this isn't something Red would do, she cares far more for her H than she would for any move or change in lifestyle.

She even knows that this is because she is a buyer and buyers dont make huge, indepedent, life changing decisions on their own that hurt the other person. However a buyer will always consider being flexible, which is fine when you are with another buyer.

A buyer who is tied to a renter gets stomped on, because they are the only ones being flexible.

A buyer tied to a freeloader like this will be absolutely squished.

I was "old fashioned" in my beliefs for a long time, too. I went out of my way to "submit," sacrificing my desires to"follow my husband's lead." I believed it was what a good wife was supposed to do.

It never worked. It only lead to unhappiness and resentment for me, and only encouraged further disrespect and demands from my husband. Sacrifice destroys marriages.

You can continue to sacrifice by just doing what he wants no matter how much it bothers you, and you may even stay married. But you will never be happy.

Marriage Builders is not about just keeping marriages together. It is about building ROMANTIC, OVER THE MOON IN LOVE, HAPPY marriages, where BOTH husband and wife are considering each other in ALL decisions and are BOTH getting their needs met. Sacrifice doesn't lead to that. Take it from a formally "submissive" wife. It doesn't work.



Independent behavior is one way to solve his misery, but it is not a good way to go about solving it if your desire is to have a happy marriage.

I just wish he would stay here long enough for us to plan a move.

He had all kinds of problems on his way down there. He was towing a car and the wheel came off. He has a separate bank card that his social security is paid to, he tried to get a hotel room and found out that he only had $58 on his card and $70 in his pocket. He slept in a truck stop parking lot all night, he was only half way to Texas. When he was about a hundred miles from Texas, his car started blowing black smoke and losing power. Luckily his son was able to go get him and pull the cars to his house in Texas. My heart was aching for him.

I feel for him too but that is evidence bad planning skills which are need to be a great leader. I believe if he practiced the POJA all of that would of been thought through if you moved. And, I think you guy would of come up with a plan that considers everything a would be better then any plan both of you have come up with.

He is moving to TX right now because he believe he is dying soon and what to be with his parents and children before he dies. That is the reason he couldn't wait the 3.5 yrs for you guys to retire with your pension. If that is true about he is dying soon (which I don't think you really believe) what are you going to do then alone in TX with no support.

And if he isn't dying soon then he should wait to allow guys to retire and sell the house in 3.5 yrs because life is just longer with no money. If he is just unhappy with you and the marriage then Dr. H programs can help with that. The suddenness of the move without any input from you is my concern.

As in the military the leaders are not the only one to blame then an obviously bad choice it made. The people that choice to follow them are also responsible are prosecuted. You should follow a bad leader because you can't then say it was his fault for where you are. Your job as a helper is to help him be the leader you need him to be.

Mine doesn't because he could have been comfortably at home the whole time. Or he could have taken the time to get organised as you say.

But what does that matter, when you have a wife to gaslight?

I think his children will soon get pretty tired of his gesture to be near him if they are having to constantly pull him out of his own self made messes.

I would not vote for the author of this fiasco to be my personal leader in life.

Do you foresee happiness if you follow him into this chaos?

Was your first husband your leader and if so, was he a more capable one than this husband?

I'm struggling to see why you think following someone with such a terrible track record in his general life is a good idea.

Perhaps you think if you are as devoted to him as you were to your first H, that he will magically become more like your first H?

He isn't the same guy!

Did you ever read this?

Which one do you see your H as?

How can I help him to be a good leader if he will not listen to my advice.

You can't.

You must realise that we can't control others, only ourselves?

The best thing you can do is not go along with his schemes and let him go without all the wonderful,sane things he got from you. If you set a high standard (the list Melody Lane gave you) and don't settle for less, let him fall on his A with his crazy schemes, he may be motivated to try sense.

But then again he may not. He may like being a freeloader who causes chaos.

That's free will for you.

Did you read this?

Yes I did read it.

We don't believe in saving lost causes. Sometimes divorce is the definition of success. You gave him an offer to create a great marriage, but he turned you down. You can't force a person to be married to you against his will, rhl. You can't force a person to change.

Which one do you think your husband is? A buyer, renter or freeloader?

QFT

The most influence you can have on him is by setting the bar high. He will either rise to meet your standards (which will improve your marriage), or he will not (in which case you are better off without him).

***Update***
My husband has called me every day since he has been in Texas. Most of the calls have been about 10 minutes with just the basics of what is happening with him...no intimate phone calls. But he is planning on coming back sometime next week to get the rest of his stuff. He told me that he would "appreciate" having me with him, not "I would love to have you with me or I miss so much."

What he doesn't know is that I am getting stronger everyday. I work for a contractor and he is coming out to change all my locks this week. I also went and got boxes to pack up all his stuff. I will be putting his stuff into a storage unit and let him know where. If I have any trouble with him, then I will get a protective order. He doesn't know any of this yet because I want to wait until I have everything done before I tell him.

Pray for me to have strength because he knows how to smooth talk and I know he will start doing that before he heads this way. He will also find out that he will have extra living expense because he thinks he will be staying with me while he is getting stuff ready to move but he is not.

Very proud of you and I'm going to pray for you.

I am so very proud of you!! Look at you!! I would agree very much that you are getting much stronger every day and that is evidenced by your decision to not be his "option." You recognized that you deserve so much better and have planned accordingly.

Your children must be so very proud of their mama.

I'm scared Melody because he has always been able to manipulate me and I am afraid that I will fall for it again...especially when he starts sweet talking me. I have been paying careful attention to everything he says and the words that he uses.

I have also heard from a mutual friend that my husband does not want me to come to Texas except to be able to use the money that I would get from my house. I was also told that he gave one of his friends permission to "bang me".

He does not know that I know any of this. Even when I have been seething with rage, I still maintain my calm on the phone.

He will tell me what a bad day he has had...how hot it is in Texas...how he has to smoke outside his son's house in Texas...that it is going to cost his over $900 to rent a moving truck. I just tell him "oh that's a shame and that doesn't even include the fuel and insurance".

Don't get me wrong, I still have moments that I cry for what we used to have but I am taking to heart that actions speak louder than words.

Redheadlady,

You may need to have No COntact with him to protect yourself emotionally.
Have you considered this?

I have but I do not want to give him any idea about what I am up to. I am also meeting with my counselor this week to help me with dealing with him. My kids, my sister, my neighbor and my employer are being very supportive. I also started going to church again. And this is a biggee for me, I did not shed any tears for him today.

On a lighter note. I have a brand new grandson and my youngest child graduated from high school yesterday. I was allowed to watch the birth of my grandson and it was the most amazing thing I have ever seen. And when my son graduated yesterday, all of his siblings (with the exception of a sister that lives in Florida) were in attendance. I have had a very full and very wonderful weekend.